Cousin wants us to stage intervention on behalf of stepdaughter

[SweetSouberry]

One of my cousins is married with two children, older than toddlers, and his brother is getting married. They are invited and older one is the flower girl.

His wife’s 14 year old daughter is not invited. She lives with cousin for the last eight years.

She does have a relationship with her biological father but this is relatively new.

This cousin’s brother is getting married and essentially Cousin with stepchild has asked us to threaten to boycott wedding unless step niece is invited.

I am going to do no such thing but I am tempted to say something but my DH and siblings say not to.

My aunt is distraught but blaming cousin with stepchild not groom.

Don’t get involved. If cousin doesn’t want to go if stepchild not invited then he doesn’t go. You boycotting will have no impact except on you relationship with cousin getting married. Really unreasonable thing to ask

It is true that step child has been living full time in the family for 8 years and step-child's siblings are the flower girls,?

In that case, it seems pretty odd and cruel to exclude step-child from the wedding.

the bride and groom can have the final say on who is invited, but they are not being very fair here.

It is 100% reasonable of your cousin's family to boycott. It would also be reasonable for you to say something imho.

That is very cruel of your cousin to not invite the child that has lived with his brother for 8 years. I can understand your frustration but I honestly wouldn't get involved. Could your mum or dad say something to his mum to ask why? I know his mum supports his decision but this is excluding a child who is in their household. What are they thinking?

People are so bloody mean these days! I have no advice but think it’s really horrible of the groom to do to his brother.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

My aunt is distraught but blaming cousin with stepchild not groom.

Distraught about what and blaming cousin with stepchild for what?

The groom appears to lack manners; inviting this brother's whole household except the 14yo is absolutely going to cause issues and hurt feelings. At the very least he should have approached his bro in advance and explained why the 14yo had to be excluded. Since that apparently didn't happen, the groom's brother is perfectly reasonable to ask why the stepdaughter has not been included, and depending on the answer and the relationship to skip the wedding.

You should feel free to speak to your rude cousin (the groom) if you'd like to; that's your decision and doesn't involve the other people telling you to shut up. They can also each speak to him about it or not, as they choose. But whether or not your speaking to the groom does any good probably depends on your relationship with the rude cousin/groom and why he excluded the 14yo in the first place.

It is a shitty thing to do to exclude the 14 year old child.

But people are unkind and petty.

However, perhaps a conversation with the groom rather than a boycott would be more effective.

There have been so many threads of a similar type where stepchildren aren’t invited to family weddings it should come down to the individual circumstances I think and in this case it sounds really cruel. If I was the Mum of the two girls, one a flower girl, the other not invited I don’t know what I’d do really…on the one hand it’s the flower girls family and she deserves to be at family events but it’s cruel on the family unit as a whole.

I think I would say something on our own behalf but I wouldn’t expect anyone else to get involved or boycott the wedding, seems like very tantrum behaviour.

I would have to say something. It’s really cruel to leave this kid out. I would probably not go based on that tbh. I’ve been that stepchild and it’s incredibly hurtful to be left out.

The step child being excluded is a really horrible thing to do.

However, it's not your issue. You can publicly express support for their feelings and agree the 14 year old should be invited but boycotting the wedding is probably a step too far.

Hopefully the bride and groom will reconsider their lack of invitation.

‘Boycott’ and ‘stage an intervention’ are excessive phrases to be using. Has anyone had a chat to the groom to find out what the blocker is here. Has the stepchild just been overlooked or is there a capacity that she takes them over?

I'm a little bit confused here. Is your cousin allowing his dd to be flower girl regardless of whether step daughter is invited or not? If so, it's a bit rich asking you to threaten to boycott. If not, it's still a bit off to ask you to threaten to boycott but less unreasonable.

Personally, I think you can't win here. If you don't challenge the groom, or at least speak to him, you risk a falling out with the cousin. If you do discuss it with the groom, there could be a potential falling out there too.

Are you very close to either of the cousins? That would potentially influence my decision. It's a horrible situation to be in and it would certainly influence my opinion of the groom. It's really horrible of him not to invite a child who has lived with his brother for 8 years.

I have had a similar situation in my family except it was repeated exclusion of one person by cousin/uncle/aunt. The excluded person now has very little contact with the siblings who were not supportive when they were pretty close previously.

What a horrid thing to do

If your aunt is upset I would tell her it’s a horrible thing to do, her son is treating his step daughter as family, the rest are not and that’s down to his brother and his mother, your aunt.

Shes been part of their life for 8 years and is now being told she doesn’t matter

Personally I wouldn’t be going either

You need to tell the 'boycot squad' that they must accept wedding invitations with good grace and not try and manipulate the couple into inviting extra people.

If they want to avoid it then that's up to them but you stand by the fact that everyone has the right to have exactly who and what they want on the big day. And you will not get involved in any dispute on guest lists.

I think I would have to say something to the groom in your situation, it is really cruel to exclude the step daughter.

I'm also pretty sure I would have to stop my daughter being flower girl. I'm sure she would be upset and there would need to be a conversation about but it isn't fair otherwise.

What a shitty thing to do!
are you close to the groom? If yes, perhaps talk to him to find out why this decision was taken?

Not your circus not your monkeys

Is your cousin allowing his child to be flower girl ? In which case you boycotting isn’t going to make much difference.

It’s pretty mean to exclude the stepchild in this case but it’s not up to you to make things worse with a boycott.

While I agree that everyone has the "right to have exactly who and what they want on the big day", that does not mean that they should do that, and if they do, they need to accept that people will be hurt/upset/etc and it will impact on people's opinions of them. Some decisions are downright nasty and making decisions like excluding a child who has lived with your sibling for 8 years is just nasty and bound to have repurcussions.

I am going to do no such thing but I am tempted to say something but my DH and siblings say not to.

They have given you much better advice than the majority of posters so far.

I would say something (tactfully) if I were you.

That may well be, if the exclusion is out of spite. But it's not down to OP to put pressure on someone who's about to get married. The people who are angry have made it clear. They shouldn't try to force OP to feel the same way or act on it.

Why are people so deliberately nasty? Singling out a 14 year old. I know this doesn’t solve your problem but it’s just so mean and I hope the wedding party see this thread and realise how utterly spiteful they are being.

How easy it is to invite one child and ensure a harmonious family relationship.

Team cousin-with-stepdaughter here.