Cousin wants us to stage intervention on behalf of stepdaughter

[SweetSouberry]

One of my cousins is married with two children, older than toddlers, and his brother is getting married. They are invited and older one is the flower girl.

His wife’s 14 year old daughter is not invited. She lives with cousin for the last eight years.

She does have a relationship with her biological father but this is relatively new.

This cousin’s brother is getting married and essentially Cousin with stepchild has asked us to threaten to boycott wedding unless step niece is invited.

I am going to do no such thing but I am tempted to say something but my DH and siblings say not to.

My aunt is distraught but blaming cousin with stepchild not groom.

Doesn't boycott just mean not go? of course that’s reasonable, I absolutely wouldn’t want to spend time with or waste money on someone so nasty, them relenting because majority didn’t want to either wouldn’t change my mind.

Just to clarify, are there three children involved here or two?

Is it: two children invited, one of whom is flower girl, and third stepdaughter excluded? In which case it is wholly unreasonable of him and I would have to say something.

Or: child free wedding except for flower girl, and stepdaughter isn’t invited but neither are any other children. In which case it isn’t what I would do but I can see how Groom might have come to that decision.

I usually side with the argument that people can't force others to accept step kids as family (eg grandparents shouldn't have to treat step grandchildren they barely see the same as their actual grandchildren). But in this case I'm fully on the side of your cousin's SIL. Excluding a teen that has been in their lives since she was small and hasn't even had contact with her bio dad until recently is deliberately cruel in my mind, especially when her half siblings are flower girls. I know weddings can be expensive and they may be limited on numbers but seriously I think this is a shitty thing to do.

I couldn't help but say something tbh but then I can be quite argumentative and don't mind pissing people off if I think they're in the wrong 😬

@SweetSouberry
Don’t get involved
sounds like groom and brother will fall out anyway - this or something else.
There was a very similar thread recently
Very sad
My dd was included in everything ( including wills) regarding her step family.
But in the previous thread everyone went, but the mum stayed home with her daughter ( the step child)
Nothing you can do…

Whilst I think it’s horrible not to invite the stepchild in principle (I have stepchildren as well as my own), it would be understandable if it was for the teenagers benefit if its a moody teen who would sit their with a face like thunder the whole time and texting their friends saying they wish they were dead rather than be at the wedding! 😩😬😂

I think it's totally unreasonable to exclude one child in the family - they have 3 children who live with them, if you invite the family you include everyone. If I were you I'd probably not want to go to the wedding of someone so mean-spirited.

I was in a very similar position. My BIL got married and invited two of my children to the wedding. His biological nephews.

He invited my 14 year old son to the evening do but not the wedding.

I didn't say a thing. My DH was raging. Absolutely raging. But I convinced him to not to say anything.

We went to wedding and left after the speeches. My son didn't go to the evening do.

My son had been in the family 13 years. 12 years more than the wife. Complete and utter wankers, I kept them at arms length after that. Fuck 'em their loss. I have nothing but contempt for them.

Genuinely OP I'd just keep out of it. No good will come of rocking the boat.

The wedding was a shit Mrs Bouquet affair with harpist and one of their friends signing a love song as they walked down the aisle. Absolutely cringeworthy.

No, and I did say they were unreasonable to put pressure on the op in my previous post.

However, this notion of it's the couple's day and they should do whatever they want can be taken too far. Sometimes you need to compromise your desires in order not to hurt those you love. In this instance, I'm assuming the family know the sd well as she is living with the cousin for 8 years. It's obviously going to cause hurt and upset to exclude her so a decent person would include her unless there is a very good reason not to.

It depends how strongly you feel about it really. I'd be happy to get involved and to boycott because I think it's a really shitty thing to do and a principle I'm happy to stand on, with the caveat that it's worth a conversation with the groom to see if he has a very good reason to take this stance. If he did and I agreed with it then fair enough but if that were the case, such as the child has form for outstandingly bad and disruptive behaviour at family events, then presumably you'd all be aware by now anyway.

I don't think I could really go to and enjoy the wedding if the whole time I would be thinking what an awful pair of people the happy couple must be.

If you're not that bothered by the whole thing and just want to keep the peace then obviously you keep your mouth shut and go. Either way it looks like this wedding will ruin the relationship between these brothers and at some point again in the future you may be required to pick a side. Without further evidence one way or the other, I know whose side I would be on.

Do the invites include a Plus 1? Someone can take her as theirs...

Walk away. Not your circus. Not your monkeys.

Yeah, nothing makes a wedding festive like passively aggressively ensuring someone the bride and groom specifically didn’t invite is there against their will.

And 14 year-old girls just love being pushed into embarrassing situations so that their parents can make a point.

Well you are on a hiding to nothing if even Groom’s Mum is against her other son.

If you get a chance to speak with groom and your aunt I would give your opinion, that it is mean and divisive not to include the step daughter, but I wouldn’t boycott.

He should politely refuse the invite and for his child to be a flower girl. IF the bride asks you or him you could explain that SD is part of their family so they would never attend in these circumstances but hope they have a lovely day celebrating their way. If he can swing it financially (and I’d sub him a bit if needed) he should take all his girls away for a holiday that weekend. Solidarity is beautiful.

The bride and groom are being despicable. I would boycott.

Horrid thing and I don’t think I could ignore it. I would say something. Everyone saying nothing is just complicit too.

Is the Mum of the step-daughter attending the wedding? Presumably, she's been invited because she's your cousin's partner? Where is the step-daughter supposed to go on the day of the wedding (assuming her Mum is invited)?! Has there been an assumption made that it's the step-daughter's biological Dad's weekend to have her? Or she'll be going to grandparents for the day instead? I understand that technically the step-daughter isn't related to the bride and groom but this child has been in the groom's brother's life for 8 years!! She's not suddenly come into his life or the relationship with her Mum is brand new. I find it cruel that someone could not invite a child simply because she's not biologically related!! It must be extremely hurtful, to know you're not wanted. By all means say to the groom that you feel not inviting the step-daughter isn't very nice but further than that, I wouldn't involve yourself and I wouldn't boycott the wedding either. It's not your battle, it's for the two brother's to discuss.

Is that autocorrect, or was their friend signing (ie British Sign Language) a love song? If nobody present was Deaf, that is an absolutely bizarre thing to do…

I think the cousin getting married is awful and it would change how I looked at them going forward.

It's unfair to ask other people to get involved though. The cousin not getting married should just turn down the invitation themselves.

Unreasonable unless there is something like a behaviour issue.

Just decline the invite and say why.

Wouldn’t get involved, tbh. He can boycott if he wants, he shouldn’t be demanding anyone else does.

Mean behaviour but surely your cousin is the one who needs to take a stand by not allowing his other child to be flower girl.

I am sure I have read this same thread but from the mother of the step-child. I am sure the other daughters were going to be flower girls.

That is AWFUL of them. Disgraceful behaviour. Who would treat a fourteen year old like that?!

I can’t believe you attended without your son. That wasn’t very loyal to your child.