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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think about evening things out between the kids

108 replies

MyKindHiker · 11/06/2025 22:39

I have a bit of a dilemma. I have two sons, 7 and 9. The elder one last year was in a nasty accident (not his fault) and has received a substantial insurance payout as a result. He's all recovered now thank heavens. By law this goes into a trust fund until he's 18, by which point it will be a pretty big chunk of money.

I was thinking about what this means for my younger son, and whether I should try to make provisions for him to match a similar amount for when he's 18, as it feels unfair one child having a head start over the other in terms of being able to put down a deposit on a house, or pay for university without taking out loans etc.

I do put money into trust funds for both of them already, but if I wanted to 'top up' the younger son, I'd have to funnel all money into younger one's fund. If I got to the point where it was equalised I'd of course then continue to put anything extra equally for both.

I'm not sure what is the right approach. Should I try and make sure their start in adult life is 'fair' or evened out, or would by elder son feel it was unfair his brother getting a handout from mum where he didn't, even if the amounts were the same. Genuinely on the fence about it.

Would I be unreasonable to make extra provisions for the youngest?

OP posts:
Screamingabdabz · 11/06/2025 22:43

I would try and make it the same but I understand the moral dilemma. It’s a tricky one!

BakelikeBertha · 11/06/2025 22:47

Is the son who was injured permanently affected by his injury OP? This would have a bearing on the decision for me. For example, if he'll never be able to do certain things again, due to his injury, then I think to some extent he deserves the extra money to compensate for what he's lost. It's definitely a tricky one otherwise.

Sorry, just noticed you said that he's all recovered now, so does that mean there are no further problems whatsoever?

Original poster
MyKindHiker · 11/06/2025 22:52

BakelikeBertha · 11/06/2025 22:47

Is the son who was injured permanently affected by his injury OP? This would have a bearing on the decision for me. For example, if he'll never be able to do certain things again, due to his injury, then I think to some extent he deserves the extra money to compensate for what he's lost. It's definitely a tricky one otherwise.

Sorry, just noticed you said that he's all recovered now, so does that mean there are no further problems whatsoever?

Edited

Yep no lasting damage but he was out of school for 4 months recovering. Was a very nasty injury but kids bounce back thank god. So what do you think?

OP posts:
Bourbonversuscustardcream · 11/06/2025 22:55

I don’t think you can even things up in these sorts of circumstances. If they had unequal savings because of some family inheritance issue or a windfall that you’d only passed on to one child I’d say you should be fair and even it out. But this is outside of your control and a consequence of something awful that only happened to one child - I think in evening it up you risk unfairness to your eldest.

InterestedDad37 · 11/06/2025 23:30

I think it's totally fair, and probably a very good idea to even things up, if you are able to, either by topping up for other son, or even by splitting the compo (I may need to rethink the second option 🤔)
But yes, it strikes me as a very sensible thing to do, for all the right reasons.

Horseebooks · 12/06/2025 00:13

I think I would try to even it up yep. I also think I would be honest about that and hopefully your kids will agree it was the right thing to do. I know I would if I was in the same position with a sibling.

Loubylie · 12/06/2025 00:17

I don't think you should even it up. Your eldest had a traumatic injury. That is why he got compensation. Even though he has recovered there might still be psychological effects further down the line.

BellaEllaWella · 12/06/2025 00:18

I don’t think it should be evened out - your elder son was awarded money for a reason. He suffered from the injury and so this is his compensation - your other son didn’t so there is nothing to even out. Any further contributions
from yourself should be split equally between them and anything else seems unfair.

1SillySossij · 12/06/2025 00:35

He did a 9 year old get a big payout for an accident he has completed recovered from in less than a year?

minipie · 12/06/2025 00:56

Loubylie · 12/06/2025 00:17

I don't think you should even it up. Your eldest had a traumatic injury. That is why he got compensation. Even though he has recovered there might still be psychological effects further down the line.

Agree

Also - Your kids will have various bits of bad luck and good luck over the years, are you always going to step in and even things up? If not then why do it now?

caringcarer · 12/06/2025 02:06

Loubylie · 12/06/2025 00:17

I don't think you should even it up. Your eldest had a traumatic injury. That is why he got compensation. Even though he has recovered there might still be psychological effects further down the line.

I agree. Your elder son must have had a very unpleasant and painful 4 months. He deserves his compensation for the discomfort your younger DS never had to go through that so he doesn't need compensation. As for poster who suggested splitting compensation you can't because it's held on court account until you elder son is 18 then passes straight to him. A cheque will be issued in his name and he'll need to put it in his own bank account. This happened to my DS after being in a car accident. I saw the suffering he went through and he still can't run like he used to before his accident even many years later.

WhereHasMyPlanetGone · 12/06/2025 07:06

Your 9 year old got the money for a reason… the injury he suffered. I don’t think you should even it up.

AnotherNaCha · 12/06/2025 07:13

That is a moral dilemma. Was originally thinking to even up, but now after reading the thread, I believe that would be unfair, and harder to justify why the younger also got “compensation” for his brother’s ordeal. Is it a hugely differing sum - how much could he have got if he’s made a full - physical at least - recovery?

TheaBrandt1 · 12/06/2025 07:16

It’s not a moral dilemma at all. It’s your son’s money that compensates him for an injury. The other one didn’t suffer an injury. That’s life. Their paths will diverge.

Overthebow · 12/06/2025 07:17

I think I’d try to even it up a bit, but it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You could pay more into your other DCs savings and reduce the savings amount to DC with payout instead of stoping it altogether. That way it would reduce the gap between the two but you don’t stop your saving for DS.

Fiver555 · 12/06/2025 07:17

I think you should start putting money aside. Then when your 7 year old is 18, you can decide if it's necessary. Things could change between now and then.

olympicsrock · 12/06/2025 07:18

Try and top up the younger one a bit but do need to make things even

Original poster
MyKindHiker · 12/06/2025 07:33

1SillySossij · 12/06/2025 00:35

He did a 9 year old get a big payout for an accident he has completed recovered from in less than a year?

Long story and also… none of your business 😉

Private medical info.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyKindHiker · 12/06/2025 07:46

@TheaBrandt1 @minipie @caringcarer all good and fair points, thanks. I guess in life there could always be cases where one gets a windfall the other doesn’t.

OP posts:
WhereHasMyPlanetGone · 12/06/2025 07:47

MyKindHiker · 12/06/2025 07:46

@TheaBrandt1 @minipie @caringcarer all good and fair points, thanks. I guess in life there could always be cases where one gets a windfall the other doesn’t.

I don’t really think it can be described as a ‘windfall’ when the reason they got it was that they went through a serious injury/trauma to get it. It’s exactly what it says… compensation for what he went through. His brother very luckily didn’t have to go through the same trauma.

Zanatdy · 12/06/2025 07:49

One of my DC got some compensation for an illness caused by a farm (Ecoli) and the other got a small amount as he wasn’t as unwell. I haven’t balanced it out no, but it’s not a life changing sum and both kids won’t need to pay for uni as their dad is paying.

Yogabearmous · 12/06/2025 07:50

If both boys were 18 and one had a car accident and got a pay out for damages , would you look to give the other the same?

you can’t spend your life trying to even financial matters for them. It’s life, and one of your sons was involved in a serious accident, so he gets the pay out, that’s it. They have to learn life is not always equal. One might get a better paying job, or a prettier girlfriend, where does it end.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 12/06/2025 07:50

Can you save into one pot for your children together and then wait until they are adults to decide how much to give each of them?

healthybychristmas · 12/06/2025 07:50

Did your other child suffer as a result of their sibling's injury? Was family life difficult for them at the time?

Original poster
MyKindHiker · 12/06/2025 07:50

WhereHasMyPlanetGone · 12/06/2025 07:47

I don’t really think it can be described as a ‘windfall’ when the reason they got it was that they went through a serious injury/trauma to get it. It’s exactly what it says… compensation for what he went through. His brother very luckily didn’t have to go through the same trauma.

Show quote history

I’m talking about windfall in the context of the moral dilemma rather than the context of the money.

The point many posters have been making which seems sensible is that I can’t chase around after my kids trying to even things up between them all the time. So if one had an inheritance or won the lottery or just had a better paid job. I can’t fix that.

So if i wouldn’t try to even out a windfall, why would i try and even out a compensation payout.

OP posts: