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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think about evening things out between the kids

108 replies

MyKindHiker · 11/06/2025 22:39

I have a bit of a dilemma. I have two sons, 7 and 9. The elder one last year was in a nasty accident (not his fault) and has received a substantial insurance payout as a result. He's all recovered now thank heavens. By law this goes into a trust fund until he's 18, by which point it will be a pretty big chunk of money.

I was thinking about what this means for my younger son, and whether I should try to make provisions for him to match a similar amount for when he's 18, as it feels unfair one child having a head start over the other in terms of being able to put down a deposit on a house, or pay for university without taking out loans etc.

I do put money into trust funds for both of them already, but if I wanted to 'top up' the younger son, I'd have to funnel all money into younger one's fund. If I got to the point where it was equalised I'd of course then continue to put anything extra equally for both.

I'm not sure what is the right approach. Should I try and make sure their start in adult life is 'fair' or evened out, or would by elder son feel it was unfair his brother getting a handout from mum where he didn't, even if the amounts were the same. Genuinely on the fence about it.

Would I be unreasonable to make extra provisions for the youngest?

OP posts:
DontReplyIWillLie · 12/06/2025 12:38

Mischance · 12/06/2025 11:55

Even it up - no question. The source of the money is irrelevant - the fairness is what matters.

But it ISN’T fair. Fair is giving your children the same.

Grammarninja · 12/06/2025 12:47

DontReplyIWillLie · 12/06/2025 12:38

But it ISN’T fair. Fair is giving your children the same.

'Fair' is a subjective notion. If you really want to go into it, I'm sure second child was affected during first child's convalescence. No court is going to award him compensation for the time his parents, no doubt, were in hospital away from him and all the attention/nurturing/experiences he missed out on due to first child's injury. A sick child has an impact on the entire family so the compensation, if not needed for ongoing medical care, should be seen as family compensation.

beachcitygirl · 12/06/2025 12:52

If you try to even it out you will end up being unfair to your child who had the injury or put yourself into financial strife. So I wouldn’t. Concentrate on being a happy family and in keeping your kids close to each other and in time tell your other son about his brothers compensation.

user1476613140 · 12/06/2025 12:59

I have four children. The eldest and youngest both receive regular payments for a disability. They are at a financial advantage over the two children who don't receive any money each month. Until my eldest turned 18 I saved money for each every month. They all got same amount.

No one asks to have a life changing accident or disability.

DontReplyIWillLie · 12/06/2025 13:04

Grammarninja · 12/06/2025 12:47

'Fair' is a subjective notion. If you really want to go into it, I'm sure second child was affected during first child's convalescence. No court is going to award him compensation for the time his parents, no doubt, were in hospital away from him and all the attention/nurturing/experiences he missed out on due to first child's injury. A sick child has an impact on the entire family so the compensation, if not needed for ongoing medical care, should be seen as family compensation.

But it isn’t family compensation. If it were, OP would be able to access it and do what she pleased with it.

Grammarninja · 12/06/2025 13:07

DontReplyIWillLie · 12/06/2025 13:04

But it isn’t family compensation. If it were, OP would be able to access it and do what she pleased with it.

There is no such thing as family compensation - far too complicated for the courts. That's where loving parents with good intentions come in.

DontReplyIWillLie · 12/06/2025 14:30

Good intentions towards both children?

Grammarninja · 14/06/2025 19:49

DontReplyIWillLie · 12/06/2025 14:30

Good intentions towards both children?

Exactly.

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