To think about evening things out between the kids

[MyKindHiker]

I have a bit of a dilemma. I have two sons, 7 and 9. The elder one last year was in a nasty accident (not his fault) and has received a substantial insurance payout as a result. He's all recovered now thank heavens. By law this goes into a trust fund until he's 18, by which point it will be a pretty big chunk of money.

I was thinking about what this means for my younger son, and whether I should try to make provisions for him to match a similar amount for when he's 18, as it feels unfair one child having a head start over the other in terms of being able to put down a deposit on a house, or pay for university without taking out loans etc.

I do put money into trust funds for both of them already, but if I wanted to 'top up' the younger son, I'd have to funnel all money into younger one's fund. If I got to the point where it was equalised I'd of course then continue to put anything extra equally for both.

I'm not sure what is the right approach. Should I try and make sure their start in adult life is 'fair' or evened out, or would by elder son feel it was unfair his brother getting a handout from mum where he didn't, even if the amounts were the same. Genuinely on the fence about it.

Would I be unreasonable to make extra provisions for the youngest?

@Yogabearmous very good point well made.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom i really like this idea.

55/45% on the votes… it’s a close call!

Sure it was. Dad and I were living in hospital with eldest for ages taking shifts. No one died but obviously he went from having a happy family mum dad brother to having either a mum or a dad, a parade of aunties and babysitters and no brother around. And then months of recovery where they couldn’t play or go swimming or on their bikes (together at least).

Two of my DC have better paying jobs the the third. The third got good A levels but refused university. His choice, but the consequence is he now earns significantly less than siblings. I don't think he cares. He is happy to clock off each evening and not bri g marking or work home with him. He says he doesn't have any stress at work. His siblings do to an extent.

if one had an inheritance or won the lottery or just had a better paid job. I can’t fix that. So if i wouldn’t try to even out a windfall, why would i try and even out a compensation payout

I think you're talking about very different things here though. I also think there's a very clear distinction between 'child' and 'adult'.

Once they're both adults - if one has a huge bonus, if their spouse has a large inheritance they share, if they have a lottery win - would you try and even it out? Of course not. As adults, that's just life.

As a child though...personally I think that as far as possible we be trying to get them to adulthood with as equal a start as possible, where possible. They'd not be doing the lottery anyway...but if great Aunt Mabel left £10k to one dc and £0 to the other as a child then YES I would 'even it out'. Hopefully through the executor but if not then I'd save the equivalent for the other dc.

As long as the compensation wasn't intended to cover life long therapy or physio or reduced earning capacity or whatever - as long as dc1 was COMPLETELY recovered - then yes, I'd funnel all our savings until dc2 had the same. So that they went into the adult world with equal starts financially wise.

I would even it out. It will cause ill feeling. Life is very expensive for young people starting out, and it sounds like eldest could have substantially more than youngest. The youngest will feel that keenly.

Is there any chance your son will be affected by what happened in the future? I’m thinking of my brother. He experienced something incredibly traumatic when he was at primary school, had counselling etc, and all seemed fine. When he was late teens/very early twenties he started having flashbacks and his mental health really suffered. Getting help the second time was incredibly difficult, and took a long time (he didn’t relieve compensation, and was largely at the mercy of nhs waiting lists)

If your son was to have further complications in the future, would you be able to support him financially to get the help he needed? Or if he was to need time off work. My brother ended up on SSP for the better part of a year. Fortunately he was living with mam at the time anyway, but it would have been far more difficult had he left home.

I would even it out too - depending on the amount. You're right it's none of our business what happened etc but are we talking about life changing some of money (can potentially be mortgage free as a young adult etc) or an amount that might pay for uni etc? If the latter, top up the younger ones as much as possible so it's evened by the time they're older?

*sum!

I think I'd be inclined to have a just in case fund. Then when both are adults you can either spend it 50/50 or split however. It might mean that thier individual funds both get a little less each.

The reason I say this is my youngest went through a traumatic event (no compensation pay out), but years later my eldest has just had a bit of a crisis during his A levels which was, in part, due to what had happened to his sibling. I've just had to spend a lot of money on counselling for him.

I would even it out, give them both a great start in life. You can explain to both boys that some of the money came from compensation but that you as parents have worked hard so they can both go to university debt-free.

So the insurance payment is compensation for your child. What if in later years your child suffers something like PTSD or other mental health issues relating to the incident.

If this were the case then the money could go some way to helping them.
Completely understand what you are thinking but you are assuming there will never be any further consequences of the accident

The son who had the accident still has the compensation money though. You are arguing as if OP is proposing to take his compensation from him but she is not proposing that. He will still have all his compensation.

I mean it depends.
Is it £10,000 or £10,000,000? Is it a large amount of money because he can never lead a normal life, work etc? I'm guessing not as he's 'fully recovered'.

I'd probably make it up if you're not talking huge money. Why wouldn't you if you can, and it's not money that is being spent on care etc, ie not essential.

Also genuinely interested in what kind of insurance pays out to a child who fully recovers (so no long term impact on wellbeing or earning potential and not needing long term care etc) who presumably didn't financially lose because of whatever accident it was. This would probably have an impact on my response to your op too. And before you say 'none of your business private medical info' - you posted on here and context matters.

But he won’t have anything else because all his parents money will have been funnelled to his brother to make things even, even if in later life he has to spend that compensation on physio and counselling. He has the benefit of the compensation but he wouldn’t necessarily be able to benefit from it in the same way that his brother could benefit from family savings.

I think the only workable way of evening things up is to save all the money into a pot which you can reassess when both boys are adults and there is a clearer picture.

It doesn't sit right with me tbh.

He got compensation for an accident fir which he experienced significant discomfort and recovery time, probably through someone's negligence. You didn't give it to him.

I appreciate it might be rubbish for the other child but they didn't go through that.

It feels a bit like one child "earned" money through pain and suffering and the other just got given it, which undermines the external compensation imo.

I think meddling risks damaging their relationship as adults tbh.

Save the money mostly in your name and reassess when they are older.

They certainly will have the money.

My point is that try to equalise things will result in equality.

If the child who has the compensation needs to spend the money on any sort of recovery then they won't have the equal amount to spend on what they choose which is what the other child is free to do.

I'm not arguing that the OP should or shouldn't do but I think it's a valid point

I think it depends on the injury - I received compensation for an accident as a child, my parents didn't compensate my sibling. I recovered at the time but as an adult it has caused me no end of problems. My Sibling has a great job and earns well, I don't. Ignore the money your child has received, that has been given for a reason - it is theirs, carry on giving equally as you would have done if the accident hadn't happened, no need to feel guilty.

I think it depends on the nature of the injury - if it is likely he will need money to pay for things related to it later, then it should be ring fenced.
However, assuming they are both reasonably young, and when he turns 18 it will all be but a distant memory, you should just split it in half. Your youngest did suffer - albeit not physically, but you weren't around, he was handed off to other family members (rightly so, but still not fun) and there was lots he couldn't do due to your child's injury.
It isn't the same but my sister was a baby/toddler model, and all the money that was earned was split equally between us, as I used to be left with a babysitter etc whilst my mum took her etc.

For me it would depend on the amount of compensation/lump sum your eldest will receive .

i certainly would try and build up a good savings that I could give towards youger child’s possible uni fees or first home deposit.

I agree with others that you can’t be absolutely sure that he is not affected down the line (I hope not but he has the insurance payout for a reason) However I think as a family you should have benefited from the money as well e.g to have an amazing family holiday as it was very difficult time for all of you.

I think the best option for you, as the parent of both children, is to leave the insurance payment to one side and raise your children equally, treat them both the same. Including channeling your own money into their savings equally. That way, if there is ever any resentment over financial circumstances, it will not be directed towards your parenting.

Who knows what the future holds, all sorts of things can happen between now and him getting access to the funds. Your elder son may grow up to have after-effects that you cannot foresee now, perhaps for example, if he was in a car accident he may develop PTSD when he starts driving lessons himself and might need that money for support then. He may also grow up to generously decide to split the money with his brother, wouldn’t that be better - that it’s his own choice?

God no. Life isn’t fair, youngest luckily didn’t have a traumatic accident that required a lengthy hospital stay and missing of school so he doesnt get an insurance pay out.

are you sure eldest is completely recovered with no lasting effects? Obviously you don’t have to say what it was but it’s sounds quite serious. No chance he could experience chronic pain as an adult or it could lead to further injuries? What about the psychological effect of the accident and hospital stay, could he develop anxiety or ptsd? Or the impact of missing education?

I would even it out.

Yes, later in life one may win the lottery (although he’d probably share some with his brother, no?), or have a better paid career etc, but you’re not trying to even them out for the rest of their lives or manage that, you’re just trying to give them an equal playing field when they begin their adult life. Nothing wrong with that.