DH not backing me over FIL argument(s)

[HudsJess]

I’ve always disproved of some comments made by my FIL, however since having DC I’ve been more aware of these. He initially managed to avoid saying anything too incriminating around them but in recent months he has not had such restraint and I have challenged it directly myself.

After the latest incident two days ago, DH is refusing to back me up and we’ve had a huge row about it. I don’t want our children around someone who makes such comments so openly, and DH says his father is who he is and it’s pointless trying to suppress his opinions. It’s not about that though - my issue is he openly speaks about them in front of my DC.

Latest examples, paraphrased from what I remember -

‘just checked the forecast, blue sky and no wind. There’ll be hundreds across the channel today, all housed at our expense’

’have you seen Lineker’s replacements on match of the day? Bloody women. What on earth do they know about the offside rule’

’that presenter is useless. They are only in the job because they’ve dropped their knickers to get it’

My point is - DH should have a frank conversation to make it clear this is unacceptable.

Sounds extremely trying! How old are the children? Young enough for tinkly laugh and ‘grandad’s being all cross and silly again!’ responses? Old enough for a direct challenge or asking him what he’s so scared of in women sports commentators and successful women in general?

Completely agree he needs to watch what he says in front of the kids. I've had to say to a family member about their swearing, or topics of conversation that aren't for the kids, they understood but hadn't been around kids for so long it hadn't crossed their mind. Changes a
have been made, rhey slip up, but they understand. If FIL can't keep his mouth shut and act responsibly around the kids then he stays away from the kids. Easy.

You have a DH problem too. He is putting an adult who is old enough to consider other's and no better above his kids. Not acceptable.

Agree something needs saying or the DCs will repeat it

Ugh what a twat. Age is no excuse.

Where is FIL making those comments, at your home or his?

I would say, with a big smile, ' Oh Bob, not this old rubbish again'. Be calm and pleasant but certain that he's wrong.

I'd also see less of him. Do you go to them or is he coming to yours? Do you all go or would your husband take the kids, or host, by himself?

"Tone it down Alf, not around the children."

People can have different opinions. What they can’t be, is sexist, racist, misogynistic etc. I’d say his first comment is an opinion which he is entitled to, the second two are absolutely awful sexist things to say and yes your dh and you should be sticking up for women in front of your children if he says such things.

While it may not be hundreds he is correct good weather and they come across in boats not fit and probably not sea worthy .it's the gangs praying on these people's desperation that are vile .but they are coming from a safe country who could give them shelter and visas .I have met some lovely immigrants but he is a different generation best thing to say .listen grandpa is being silly old goat or other non rude word .he will get message eventually.

Alf 😂

Reckon he’s on a total wind up of you as well as this being what he actually thinks.

I’d leave this to your husband - I doubt your FIL is that interested in his grandkids, but likes an audience. You husband can do that, you and the kids can stick at home while GB News FIL can say what he likes

Maybe just talk to your kids about the fact that some people are bigoted, use it as an opportunity to actually discuss the issues and accept that he is who he is. The kids will need to get their heads around it one day. Little kids are generally very fair minded and will probably be quite disapproving, they might tell him off themselves.

We usually see him at ours unfortunately.

Oh well suggest your husband sees him in situ at his fathers house. Coming around to someone’s house and making comments like that is seriously small dick energy done to aggravate you

Tell him straight. FIL comments like these are not acceptable in this house or around my children so unless you are going to quit making them you aren't welcome here while I am. So your choice - you have a relationship with the family or you don't.

If DH won't say anything you do.

You have a husband problem.

Challenge him yourself. The offside rule is easily explained.

He is being racist and misogynistic all in one! Maybe go out with DC if you can .DH needs to say it's not appropriate. He sounds like Alf Garnett! Not funny then or now.espcially the last comment. Older men need to learn to wind it in.Women newsreaders have been around about 50 years now .Time to get with it.

OP - sure, your FIL sounds sexist. However, you sound very high strung.
How old are your kids? I am guessing, pretty young. I think you don't realise that your kids will live in a world with a lot of differing opinions around them - and you won't be able to control them all.

Your kids are young now - so I am sure they don't care. When they are older - it's actually good way to talk to them about people with different opinions - like grandpa. Your kids will learn more from this than if you keep them in some artificial bubble of controlled information and one way to see things.

Personally - I'd only mention things that bothered me. Or at least said - I disagree. BUT older people really won't change, and it's pointless applying your mindset and your way of looking at things onto them.

I am with your H on that. His father won't change, and I don't think it's fair you insist he does. If this is somehow a deal breaker to you - divorce now.
But it'd be a really strange thing to do, tbh.

FWIW - my kids grew up with two sets of grandparents - that are really conservative in a number of ways, and not PC in may other ways. They are teens now. Their GP's views did not affect their world view much - which is mostly formed by parents (early on), and then mostly influenced by friends at school and social media.

So - in your place - I'd try to relax and stop fighting with your FIL. Life is too short, and your arguments with H over it will only hurt your family.

The first comment is one of fact
The second is one of opinion
No problem with them.
The third is inexcusable! He said that in front of your kids?

He’s not at all wrong about his first point. It’s not ‘racist’ to have an issue with illegal immigrants piling into boats and quite literally running into the country with zero checks or visas then being housed at our expense ffs! Of course it shouldn’t be said in front of children but taking issue with what he says, just because it involves foreign people (criminals! What they’re doing is criminal don’t forget) is madness and frankly, disingenuous.

You are actually saying OP is highly strung because she , quite rightly, doesn't like the racist and misogynistic opinions of her FiL? That's unbelievable.

It's down to everyone to challenge views like the ones OP's Fil is expressing. And the fact her H doesn't want to would make me suspect he probably shares his fathers opinions.

Op I would be asking your H to visit his father in his own home because its not right that your children and yourself should have to listen to such objectionable language.

That made me chuckle too 😂

Sorry I meant to quote a previous poster who was laughing at the Alf example too @OneFineDay13 😅

I would block my children from seeing their grandparent.

Ew.

Also how is thinking women cannot understand the offside rule “opinion”?!