DH not backing me over FIL argument(s)

[HudsJess]

I’ve always disproved of some comments made by my FIL, however since having DC I’ve been more aware of these. He initially managed to avoid saying anything too incriminating around them but in recent months he has not had such restraint and I have challenged it directly myself.

After the latest incident two days ago, DH is refusing to back me up and we’ve had a huge row about it. I don’t want our children around someone who makes such comments so openly, and DH says his father is who he is and it’s pointless trying to suppress his opinions. It’s not about that though - my issue is he openly speaks about them in front of my DC.

Latest examples, paraphrased from what I remember -

‘just checked the forecast, blue sky and no wind. There’ll be hundreds across the channel today, all housed at our expense’

’have you seen Lineker’s replacements on match of the day? Bloody women. What on earth do they know about the offside rule’

’that presenter is useless. They are only in the job because they’ve dropped their knickers to get it’

My point is - DH should have a frank conversation to make it clear this is unacceptable.

What nonsense. It’s not ‘highly-strung’ to not want your children to have to listen to sexist, racist drivel from their grandfather on a regular basis. I mean, you sound as if you suffer from a high level of internalised misogyny yourself. Maybe from being around misogynists.

Agree - if DH won’t say anything, you say it. One warning that you won’t tolerate this. Let your children hear you say it. You don’t need a man to tell a visitor what you will accept in your own home.

Say no to fascist grandfathers! Personally I wouldn't tolerate it. 😃

One of the women presenters on MOTD is Kelly Cates. Kenny Dalglish’s daughter. I’m sure she’s sound on the offside rule. However it seems to be obligatory to have a woman presenter for men’s sports and that might be a bit irritating.

I think you don't realise that your kids will live in a world with a lot of differing opinions around them - and you won't be able to control them all.

I think you don't realise how important it is to reinforce to your children what your values and opinions are as a family. your children are teens. Mine are a lot older. If you want your children to embrace your values, you have to tell them what your values are and what you will and will not tolerate. you don't need to just walk the walk - quite often the walk doesn't take you past the issues that will confront them as they get older - you need to talk the talk too.

Children need to hear you say "well we think that women are just as capable as men" or "we think that we should have some human sympathy for anyone who feels the need to get in a boat and leave their country" (unless you don't of course) or "we think it is disgusting to accuse someone of exchanging sex for a job with no evidence" (although in that last one I'd probably just say shut up grandad that is inappropriate in front of children or indeed anyone and you are embarrassing yourself).

I remember years ago we had a leadership conference at work - 20 of our best mid-level leaders - and we asked people to introduce themselves and tell us the credos they lived by. There were a few who quoted a famous person but most of them said "well my dad/mom always told me ...." Words do matter.

What an awful bigot. Personally I would not want him in my home.

Problem solved. Stop inviting him.

I think that you have to challenge each comment. The last one is totally unacceptable in front of children. The second comment is ridiculous. Perhaps do a bit of research on each female presenter to hit him back with. Unfortunately the first comment is partly true, but if comments like that are plucked out of nowhere, it's slightly unhinged. Not uncommon among older men, me and my DP/peer group are all 57+ and there's a few we have to avoid in the pub. There's a few men around 62 who admit that they've turned into grumpy old bastards and they have to keep themselves in check. A lot of men, of that age want/expect the same opinionated privilege that they saw the men around them get, when growing up, but things change and they do to.

Take your kids and go out when your DH invites his dad round. Don't cook any meals for him and if you are in the room when he says those things, tell him that he is being racist and misogynistic and he won't be welcome in your home if he doesn't stop.

You may not be able to change his bigoted views but he can certainly control what he says in your home and keep his thoughts to himself.

Why is your DH so reluctant to speak to his dad? Does he secretly agree with his views or is he scared of his dad?

The second comments is not opinion. The replacements are Kelly Cates and Gabby Logan who are extremely experienced football presenters who know the offside rule perfectly given they will have debated it with the ex pros countless times previously. As the OPs father in law knows already of course.

I disagree with your DH that FIL is incapable of changing the way he talks. My Gran, who died a few years ago aged 100 would sometimes express views that were racist or homophobic. When my siblings and I became teenagers we would challenge her about it and although I am sure that not all of her views changed she did watch what she said a lot more. As the years went if she started saying something inappropriate we would just say her name and show by our expressions that we were not happy - she would either stop or ask why we felt it was wrong. We had a very close loving relationship throughout.

I think it does depend a lot on your DC's ages - I can understand why you would not want younger kids exposed to that and would reduce contact if FIL is not willing to try to change. If they're older then I would get them involved in challenging his views.

He sounds awful. I'm guessing your OH doesn't challenge him, as he is at the top of FIL's approval tree, being male and like FIL.

Does he want the whole of the UK and his TV screens to populated by carbon copies of himself? He sounds really dim.

@BookArt55 and others who have said those sort of comments are similar to swearing in front of children make a good point. If he can stop himself from swearing around them he can stop the other rubbish that comes out of his mouth. Not sure why your husband can’t see that.

Even if you tell your children that grandad shouldn’t say those things, they probably will repeat them, partly because they see him being naughty and getting away with it. Maybe say, oh dear grandad has said bad things again so he will have to go home. And send him home every time.

I would call him out, every single time. “Christ Bob, are you channelling Nigel Farage/Andrew Tate today? You do realise you sound like an ill educated moron?”

First one is correct.

second one - think bbc did employ female presenter for football who knew lack shit about rules. Same happened with F1.

third - stupid comment.

dont get so wound up though…

i was in a similar situation - my fil always said these vaguely racist things but when I had my daughter it became impossible to ignore. I had a hard line - told him he was not allowed to say this nonsense in front of her, reminded him every time and then took her out of the room. He stopped.

you are both responsible for protecting your children - of course it would be great if your husband took this on but if he won’t you’ll have to do it.

Oh for goodness sake. I never, ever watch sport and even I understand the offside rule.

An AC of mine had a FIL like this. They always talked with their children after he had gone and explained how unacceptable it is.

Ok so assuming he isn’t just doing it to get a reaction, you can ignore it, if your kids say anything /repeat it then you tell them why it is inappropriate/wrong etc. it gets easier. Now my two are teens they challenge grandparents themselves or just roll their eyes. I will still challenge if something is really out of order but not in an aggressive way

I am mixed race, FIL is now dead and was a bit like yours. DH is a gentle soul and his Father was a bully but he did speak to his Father about his use of racist words like not using the word for a corner shop that is racist. I had said he would never see our children if he spoke like that.

Bollocks

I've watched F1 from being a tot eitter at home or at races.

All of the women from Louise Goodman through to Bernie have contributed as well as the men, its been a pleasure to watch the likes of Susie Wolff and Lee Mckenzie over the years.

Some of the males were awful to begin with. Legend Damon Hill took a while to warm up as I recall, but then so did Danica. They're individuals, they all have different skills and attributes.

It's sad to see such sexist remarks in this day and age. Do you say the same about black people? That they can't possibly be as good at presenting because they're not white men? Or is it just women you punch down on?

Your ignorance is showing. Immigrants / refugees aren’r just given free housing. Maybe watch less GB News.

More likely you know jack shit about football so couldn’t understand what the presenters were saying.

But don’t get so would up though.

Why is it irritating to have a female presenter for men’s sports?

1 and 2 are both untrue.

They’ve never played men’s football. Irritating as he was Lineker was an excellent footballer. I’m not irritated by Cates or Logan though because they are good presenters. There are some female football presenters who are cringeworthy. This is especially true on Scottish football programmes.