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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Weird argument with DH

70 replies

joeydoesntsharefood36 · 11/06/2025 16:39

DH and I don’t have the best sleeping routine. Both wake up multiple times in the past, sometimes able to go back to sleep sometimes not.

Last night DH woke up to go to the toilet and I got woken up by the cat. He then said he had to tell me something but for me not to be embarrassed. He was skirting around the issue, not saying anything proper so I just asked him to come out with it.

He asked me to stop touching myself in bed as the movement wakes him up. I literally had no idea what he meant and I again asked for more detail. He said I masturbate in the night, I even moan softly when I finish and then I fall asleep. He assumed I was doing it to relax myself but didn’t want to mention it in case I felt embarrassed.

My first reaction was to laugh, as I don’t masturbate when he is asleep next to me. He said he assumed I was awake but could I have been doing it when I was asleep? I was laughing as I thought it was really funny, I told him this has never happened while I’m awake, perhaps I do it in my sleep but I asked for more details on how he is woken up and what noises.

He told me movement and a moan. This is where it changed for me. I wear joggers to bed and also have a vest with poppers on (like a baby fro). He said I put my poppers back on and fall asleep. Now, I physically find it impossible to put my poppers on when I am lying down. I know if I had taken them off I would never have bothered putting them back on. I would have left them unbuttoned. And they are never unbuttoned. And I always have my bottoms on when I wake up.

This is where I started getting defensive and angry and he said my reaction was everything he expected and that’s why he was wary of bringing it up for the last few months, that’s when he says he started noticing. I was getting angry, the poppers part makes me think he is lying but why would he lie. TMI but I even said to him if I had touched myself, my hands would smell and they quite clearly didn’t.

To clarify, I’ve never masturbated while he has been asleep next to me, I have no recollection of any time whatsoever. I also have a low sex drive so would have no interest in mastrubating by myself when I could just have sex with him as he is next to me!

sorry this is probably really weird but I have no one IRL I could discuss this with. Where could he be coming from with this, or could I actually be doing this in my sleep?

OP posts:
CuarloDeFonza · 11/06/2025 16:46

This does sound weird, either he's making it up, or he actually thinking you are masturbating or you are masturbating but I can't imagine how you can't be aware of this. Me and my wife have had, what we call, 'sleepy sex', which usually happens around 2 or 3am and I sometimes forget it actually happened which pisses her off in the morning. Needless to say if you were playing with yourself as a husband I'd be inclined to join it rather than moan about it.

Persephoknee · 11/06/2025 16:49

I’d be a little bit worried about his mental health. It sounds like a delusion. I would
go to the GP.

coachortrain · 11/06/2025 16:50

If he had said it was a one off I would have thought he dreamt it. But repeatedly? Wrangling the poppers? He has no experience in how hard they are to realign. Also like you said your fingers would smell of you. Personally I would be intrigued enough to set up a camera in my room to see if this was really happening.

Maybe my Dh is different to yours but if did this he would be wanting to join in not annoyed I had woken him Grin

101Alsatians · 11/06/2025 16:50

Maybe he's dreaming? Or...is this a roundabout way of saying he'd like you to do that?

Orrr....is he touching you/planning to in your sleep and he's pre-empting any guilt/getting caught?

PullTheBricksDown · 11/06/2025 16:50

OK, that is really odd. So he's seen this happen multiple times but hasn't said anything ('I can help you out there...')? The poppers thing is strange but also sounds like something weird enough to be part of sleepwalking.

I feel like this could be a seemingly dodgy suggestion, but could he try recording it on his phone next time it happens? Ask him to do that so you can see for yourself.

joeydoesntsharefood36 · 11/06/2025 16:54

I’m honestly still so confused by it. And why he chose to bring it up at 4am rather than any other time. I’m adamant I haven’t been, but perhaps I have in my sleep., who knows! He said he didn’t want to interrupt as he assumed I didn’t want him to and just wanted some self pleasure!

OP posts:
joeydoesntsharefood36 · 11/06/2025 16:57

Also forgot to mention this actually turned in to a row because I was adamant he was making this up and couldn’t see why he would say it. And also it was 4am!

OP posts:
sameshizz · 11/06/2025 16:59

Well not sure what to make of the poppers thing but apparently I do ‘sleepwank’ as my partner words it .
he just laughs it off.
But a previous partner years ago actually stormed out the house.
i never have any recollection when this happens, usually i’m dreaming about really mundane things which aren’t remotely sexy at all .

wrongthinker · 11/06/2025 17:01

Weird. What's your relationship like generally?

Itiswhysofew · 11/06/2025 17:04

You can't move when you're asleep, so how is that possible?

You're not at all aware of doing it, so what would be his reason for lying?

Koazy · 11/06/2025 17:05

Very odd. Also why would your fingers smell? This who thing is strange. Do you get on well usually?

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 11/06/2025 17:07

Put your joggers on back to front and tie them at the back. Don't tell him. Would be virtually impossible to open and close them lying down. Or offer to get a camera up. He is trying to make you feel shit imo.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 11/06/2025 17:12

Itiswhysofew · 11/06/2025 17:04

You can't move when you're asleep, so how is that possible?

You're not at all aware of doing it, so what would be his reason for lying?

You absolutely can move when you're asleep. That's what sleepwalking is.

I drive DH nuts because I have what we call "night crazies". I'll sit up and start talking, I have been know to jump out of bed and run off. I've been found in different parts of the house. Never any recollection and when DH is woken by it he's certain I'm asleep.

Franklyfrost · 11/06/2025 17:14

I can’t think why he’d lie about it. People do sleep ‘walk’ and have no memory of what they’ve done. Have you tried doing the poppers up lying down: is it really impossible? I understand it’s not what you’d do if you were awake but dreams are weird so you would be acting differently to normal.

If there’s not a drip feed about him claiming the cat has been using his phone and that the neighbours are Russian spies then I’d believe him.

donthaveaname · 11/06/2025 17:15

Is he dreaming vividly?

BeaRightThere · 11/06/2025 17:16

I don't know why you wouldn't believe him. Why on earth would he lie about this? It sounds possible to me and regardless it's hardly a big deal.

Todayisaday · 11/06/2025 17:19

Weird. Mayne get a sleep tracking app. Ask him to try and wake you next time he thinks its happening, maybe its you just moving around and him half asleep imagining things.but that would clear up the mystery.

candycane222 · 11/06/2025 17:21

How does he know you are masturbating and not just restless, dreaming and sleep talking?

My dh definitely moves around when he has vivid dreams, and I definitely make noises occasionally - have even been known to both laugh and cry. Since you both sleep quite poorly isn't this more likely - you fidgeting and moaning or murmuring, him being disturbed by it (and having put two and two together to make 5 into the bargain)

candycane222 · 11/06/2025 17:23

(and I certainly sometimes have 'sexy dreams' though no idea if I either move or vocalise during them)

Iiquidsnake · 11/06/2025 17:25

Typical bloke—can’t handle a bit of movement, so he turns it into a full soap opera. Men really are hopeless with this stuff!

joeydoesntsharefood36 · 11/06/2025 17:28

candycane222 · 11/06/2025 17:21

How does he know you are masturbating and not just restless, dreaming and sleep talking?

My dh definitely moves around when he has vivid dreams, and I definitely make noises occasionally - have even been known to both laugh and cry. Since you both sleep quite poorly isn't this more likely - you fidgeting and moaning or murmuring, him being disturbed by it (and having put two and two together to make 5 into the bargain)

this makes sense to me, thanks. Perhaps he is putting 2 and 2 together. I do move around a lot in my sleep and as I mentioned I’m awake a lot so restless and tossing and turning.

not sure why it bothered me so much, maybe the way he worded it, or I felt like I was being accused of something and he was sure I must be awake and I’m of course adamant I’m not and neither of us backing down!

OP posts:
joeydoesntsharefood36 · 11/06/2025 17:28

Iiquidsnake · 11/06/2025 17:25

Typical bloke—can’t handle a bit of movement, so he turns it into a full soap opera. Men really are hopeless with this stuff!

Haha literally this!

OP posts:
Azureshores · 11/06/2025 17:29

Does he have form for gaslighting you?

StopStartStop · 11/06/2025 17:30

No. He's setting the scene for when you find yourself uncovered, having been woken by him touching you.

Azureshores · 11/06/2025 17:32

BeaRightThere · 11/06/2025 17:16

I don't know why you wouldn't believe him. Why on earth would he lie about this? It sounds possible to me and regardless it's hardly a big deal.

I can only assume you haven't been on MN very long and don't know that men pull shit like this all the time when they have a little agenda..