Weird argument with DH

[joeydoesntsharefood36]

DH and I don’t have the best sleeping routine. Both wake up multiple times in the past, sometimes able to go back to sleep sometimes not.

Last night DH woke up to go to the toilet and I got woken up by the cat. He then said he had to tell me something but for me not to be embarrassed. He was skirting around the issue, not saying anything proper so I just asked him to come out with it.

He asked me to stop touching myself in bed as the movement wakes him up. I literally had no idea what he meant and I again asked for more detail. He said I masturbate in the night, I even moan softly when I finish and then I fall asleep. He assumed I was doing it to relax myself but didn’t want to mention it in case I felt embarrassed.

My first reaction was to laugh, as I don’t masturbate when he is asleep next to me. He said he assumed I was awake but could I have been doing it when I was asleep? I was laughing as I thought it was really funny, I told him this has never happened while I’m awake, perhaps I do it in my sleep but I asked for more details on how he is woken up and what noises.

He told me movement and a moan. This is where it changed for me. I wear joggers to bed and also have a vest with poppers on (like a baby fro). He said I put my poppers back on and fall asleep. Now, I physically find it impossible to put my poppers on when I am lying down. I know if I had taken them off I would never have bothered putting them back on. I would have left them unbuttoned. And they are never unbuttoned. And I always have my bottoms on when I wake up.

This is where I started getting defensive and angry and he said my reaction was everything he expected and that’s why he was wary of bringing it up for the last few months, that’s when he says he started noticing. I was getting angry, the poppers part makes me think he is lying but why would he lie. TMI but I even said to him if I had touched myself, my hands would smell and they quite clearly didn’t.

To clarify, I’ve never masturbated while he has been asleep next to me, I have no recollection of any time whatsoever. I also have a low sex drive so would have no interest in mastrubating by myself when I could just have sex with him as he is next to me!

sorry this is probably really weird but I have no one IRL I could discuss this with. Where could he be coming from with this, or could I actually be doing this in my sleep?

Or this ⬆️

I'm not a paranoid misandrist, no

He may think thats what he's heard/felt but theres a strong chance he isn't as awake as he believes, and has heard/felt you just moving around and his brain has filled in the rest.

But because he fully believes thats what you were doing and that his recollection is accurate, your accusation that he is entirely making it up, has annoyed him.

Sleep wanking is totally possible, I went through a phase of it years ago, but you know because you wake up with nightwear not as it was, you can smell it etc etc.

Is he the type to start an argument over nothing so that you can be the bad guy? Because if so this is a good one to start as you're much less likely to discuss it with other people (or so he probably thinks!).

You're a man you mean?

Because everyone who doesn't hate men must be a man? Sorry to disappoint. I'm a woman.

You are married but he has only noticed this is the past few months. You have a low sex drive. The poppers, the lack of evidence that you have actually done this. He didn't want to tell you because he knew you would react badly (because you know it isn't happening).

It does sound like he could be gaslighting you for some reason.

The thing is unless you got up to wash your hands they are going to have a genital fluid type smell on them and you say they don’t, which to me is proof you’re not. Surely you’d feel some kind of arousal even in your sleep, especially as you’re not a good sleeper?

The latter was happening to me. I’d get a camera set up in the room OP and see what’s actually happening at night. With my ex it was classic projection to try and cover his own back.

So sorry to hear that.Asshole.Hope you are okay 💐

Set up a camers but dont let him know and see what happens.
Why would he only bring it up now but also why would he lie
Very confusing indeed.

He's making it up. 100%.

I don't touch myself at night but I do have sleep orgasms. I always remember it and there's certain ahem evidence in my pyjamas

Maybe because op knows shes not doing it more that she knows why someone would lie. Its odd to me you dont understand why someone wouldn't believe something they know not to be true.

Very weird, I agree, but sleeping in joggers and an all-in-one with poppers underneath sounds not just uncomfortable but unhygienic too. I think bodies need a bit of air.

Definitely my first thought , weird

Dear DH if you fulfilled my every desire I wouldn’t need to have a wank. Your loving wife

ps Please fuck off into another room / house

Is he saying you do it every single night? I would be suspicious of this and get a camera.

FWIW my ex did actually sleep masturbate and he would have no idea. He wouldn’t … finish, just have his hand down there for a few minutes and go back to sleep. He never remembered it and claimed to not be dreaming of anything sexy. It definitely wasn’t every single night though as I’d have sent him to the doctor! More like once, maybe twice a month.

He's setting the scene so that when you wake up in the middle of sex he can say you initiated it.

I think it’s more likely he’s misunderstood what’s going on. It sounds like a stupid argument at a stupid time of the morning - the best advice I’ve ever been given is that ‘anything you say to each other in the middle of the night doesn’t count’.

When you pushed back, he might have been embarrassed and pushed it back to you and both of you, sleep-deprived in the wee hours of the morning, escalated it until what should have been a funny, sleepy anecdote, turned into WW3.

Get you on the sleeping badly thing though - my DH and I sleep in different rooms for around half of the week so we both get a good night’s sleep. Definitely keeps our relationship on an even keel!

Yep, this would be my guess too.

I also thought that the multiple layers and poppers would make it very hard for anyone to be touching OP while she's asleep without waking her. Don't know if this is related to any past issues with this happening or if it's entirely unrelated.

Bet it isn't the cat that wakes you up every night, OP.

He panicked because he thought you'd woken up properly and blamed the cat and then you.

Couldn't you both be correct? Ie you are touching yourself but over your clothing?

This is all very…. Bizarre

Separate beds would probably sort the problem. Also I would worry that sometimes people say odd things for disturbing reasons like they are actually up to something covert. I can't recall the details but in the Gisele Pelicot case I think her husband had been making odd comments about her gynaecological health, which she thought nothing of at the time. But obviously in hindsight it was because he was raping her and having others rape her. Not at all suggesting of course that this is what your DH is doing but I'd be wary about such odd comments without any admission that he could have got it wrong - they are so specific. Surely a normal person would say, well maybe you were just moaning in your sleep but it really sounded like XXX. I'd have my hackles up with this one and keep a close eye on him for any other suspicious behaviour.

Do you honestly not know why your fingers would smell after masturbating?!?!