18 yr old ds permanently at the kitchen table

[Upperroom]

he's revising, been so for months at the kitchen table. Has all meals bought to him. I cannot wait for a levels to finish. I’m desperate to have my space back! Dh says it’s fine (although he has his own study) and thinks it’s good he’s not in his room all the time. Aibu?
there’s also a possibility he may take a year out and retake a uni admissions test… so this might not be over in 2 weeks!

Thanks for the replies - it’s good to hear other perspectives. It’s been such a long slog… he has a perfectly good room with a desk. (I even redecorated his room to make things calm & nice for him).
He has his head phones permanently in. He listens to ‘focus music’ so it’s easier just to pass him food as it’s tedious getting his attention all the time. I do worry what he’ll do after exams. His character can be a little difficult… he’s high functioning ASC - he might be body doubling to an extent. But I feel like such a dogs body at the moment and it’s been like this since the beginning of April! He needs to restart his chores after his last exam that’s for sure!!
Thanks for the solidarity posts!

Sometimes people prefer to be working in the ‘hustle and bustle’ of family life, rather than holed up in a room on their own.
I was the same.

He sounds like a really conscientious lad, give him a break. It’s not forever.

Yeah I felt like this when DH was wfh during Covid. Not his fault but really did render the dining room unusable in that time.

You have a nice quiet space to retreat to? If not I'd be staking a claim to that study. But seriously it will be over soon and in a few years you will look back longingly to these days

Honestly, your problems could be a lot worse if he wasn’t working for his exams.
Embrace it. It’ll all be over soon enough.

The fact that he’s studying and is not hiding in his room is a positive imo.

You all live in the same house - why does DH have exclusive use of the study?
Does he WFH? Why can't he share that space with DS if needs be.
And if he uses it for gaming, he can give it up.

I think it's great. My son of a similar age hides in his room hugely distracted by other online stuff when he says he is 'revising'. I've often suggested he sit downstairs but he won't. It could be worse!

OP I do get you being frustrated. I have a sibling who used to do this to my parents. The issue wasn't that they were revising or using the table; it was that they were expecting a communal space to become a private space effectively, in that my sibling would complain about people using the kitchen too often or too loudly, get annoyed if anyone needed to grab something from nearby and was furious if anyone addressed them and broke concentration. It forced everyone to walk on eggshells at the heart of the house. (I on the other hand locked myself away in my room and got told I was being rude for that too... no I'm not at all still bitter 15 years later 😆)

It's so close to the end now that I would recommend leaving it so as not to disrupt the routine at a crucial moment. After exams, if they're sticking around, have a family discussion use of the table and set whatever boundaries you need to for your own sanity!

I saw a post about this on WIWIKAU, so many tables being taken over.
I don’t really understand it, I’ve had 2 go through exams now and they used the dining room table at times but put their stuff away when the table was required by the rest of the family.
There’s no way the rest of us would be balancing our dinner on our knees for weeks on end.

I think I'd be glad if my child was studying so hard and with the family rather than just holed up in their room all the time, at least I could see they were actually doing something, and I'd want to be as supportive as possible. It's such a short time in their life and so important.
He's in the kitchen is it really so hard to walk a couple of steps and pass him a plate?

I definitely think that he needs to not take over the whole table though, so his sister can use it too. She can't be disturbing him that much if he's wearing headphones so that is just being awkward and selfish.

I’ll definitely not be trying to change the current situation until after his last exam. And I’m all pleasant and sweetness to him as like everyone says it’s such a crucial time and it’ll be over by the end of next week.
he doesn’t go out and the eggshells thing is definitely real to the poster who mentioned their brother.
ds2 is also doing GCSEs - it’s all a lot! Dh is wfh and I’m in-between freelance projects partly on purpose so I could be a support at this time…

Hang in there! Sending love. I’d send wine if I knew where you lived!! 😂😂😂

You bring him ALL meals? As in breakfast, lunch, dinner? That’s pampering him to the extreme! He can surely get up and make something?

Its exams that could possibly affect his future career, prospects, earning potential,and his social life. Let the poor boy study. I really don't see the big deal. Your daughter won't remember drawing but these results affect his life !

At least he is doing some revision and not sat in his room on his phone pretending to revise.
But I would be knocking the bringing meals to him at the table on the head. He is not the King.

It will be over soon. DS2 seems to be revising continually in his bedroom and only pops down for meals so I rarely see him. I try not to look at the state of his room, or the clothes in a pile next to his laundry basket that didn't quite make it inside. I'll save the nagging until after they're over, because every time I say anything about it, I'm told 'I'm doing an exam paper'. And I know what is more important at this point.

I wish I had this problem! My daughter hides in her bedroom pretending to revise and hiding her phone or changing her tablet screen whenever I go in to checkshe is actually working. Her school advised that they use the kitchen table or similar space downstairs as opposed to their bedroom but she won't have it. It's not forever and it is great he is putting the work in.

Jesus Christ most parents would be proud of their kids for revising.

If he is successful at what he is doing at that table you will probably manage to get rid of him for months at a time.

I’d be pleased. Dd hides in her room and I’m not sure how much revision is happening. To be fair, I took over the dining table every uni assignment when I recently did a post grad course. I think it did drive dh slightly nuts as we have a study but I needed more space for piles of papers. He never complained but did comment it was nice to have it back once I’d finished 😂

If it’s the most annoying thing he’s doing, I think you have to suck it up.

This must be annoying OP, I sympathise. I guess he works better around people? I would have killed for my own room to revise in, I had to share with all my sisters. Different methods for different people I guess. You sound very supportive letting him off all chores and supplying all food straight to the table! I think it's nice to do for this time, but if he does retake the admissions test I would be reasserting the rights of other people in the family to also use the space, especially my other child.

Who says she isn't. OP is allowed emotions too, she is a person not a son-facilitator. She can be proud AND annoyed, which is pretty much what parenting is a lot of the time. Edited to add that I would be glad my kid was revising but not THAT proud, I would kind of expect it, your bar seems low.

Where has she not supported him? She has tolerated this and fed him and let him off all family commitments, what does supportive look like to you?!

Help Help Help! My teenage son is taking his A Levels really seriously and is spending a lot of time revising. I know he’s revising because he’s at the kitchen table. It’s a living nightmare!