Do I make an effort for Father's day if it is never reciprocated?

[strawberrywhining]

My husband has never really made an effort on behalf of our two young children for Mother's day. On MD this year, I thought he had forgotten entirely until he asked me mid afternoon when I wanted my card. Previously I've had flowers bought from Tesco on the morning once it became clear he'd forgotten. He has similarly made little effort for my birthdays - this year he bought a card, flowers and chocolates from the supermarket on the way home from work on the evening of my birthday.

Each year I've gotten him thoughtful things from the kids - one year they painted coasters for him at a ceramics cafe, another time I got him a selection of cheeses I thought he might like, I have them make him a hand made card etc.

This year I'm wondering if I should just do a card presented to him mid-afternoon with no fanfare, the same as for Mother's day. I'm not sure if I can bring myself to do it, it feels mean and petty. But this years Mother's day was a new low in that I spent most of the day sad, thinking he had forgotten and my DC didn't even know it was Mother's day.

I wouldn’t bother and I’d give him a card mid afternoon, the grown up thing to do would be to let him know how hurtful you find his lack of caring about you on birthdays ect and tell him what needs to change and give him a chance going forward to change.
You shouldn’t have to though, I have to send my husband links to things I want on my birthday/Christmas because I’ve given up and am sick and tired of waking up to a load of crap in a gift bag.

Yes one shop bought card given mid afternoon.

Thoughtless arse that he is.

And it’s not petty - it’s simply not rolling over and being a good girl every time even though you’re being treated poorly.

I would do the same as what he does for you simply because he doesn't seem to mind otherwise. I don't think it's petty at all.
If you want to be given more thoughtful gifts then have that conversation with him but in a few months and not just before father's day

Matching energy is not being mean or petty.

It is giving back the same energy someone thinks you deserve.

I stopped doing it with my ex, I just matched his energy for FD, birthdays and Christmas.

Tbh once the dc were at school they made him something so I stopped doing anything all together.

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, but I just got so fed up of feeling like shit on days I should have been happy I had to take myself off and make ‘me’ happy, and I think that’s a good lesson to teach your kids. I used to always make sure I bought myself something g nice for my special day, or treated myself in some way.

I think it's reasonable.
He has shown you what he sees as an appropriate level of effort to make.

He can hardly complain if you make that amount too. 🤷‍♀️

DH didn't bother much for me for mothers day so I am not going to bother for him much. However it's not our love language so not particularly upset! All our money is shared and he'd much rather have the 30 quid it would cost to get our DCs handprints at a pottery cafe and I'd much rather buy myself flowers when I feel like it.

If you do want more then you need to ask/ insist that you get more. Don't play games as he probably won't get the hint.

All these ‘days’ are nothing more than sheer commercialism…though I am rather partial to a cake on my birthday!

Absolutely YANBU.

He is never going to have an epiphany and see how much you do for him.

Stop making the effort.

YANBU at all. It's not being petty if you're not doing it to "get back" at him. It's more of a "oh OK, this is how we celebrate those days" kind of thing.

I think you don’t lower yourself to his level. I think you expect more on Mother’s Day and your birthday. He sounds like a shit husband.

No you shouldn't lower yourself because it's shit for your kids.

Split with him or accept it. Don't weaponise special days for your kids.

My ex doesn't bother usually or makes minimum effort but I always ensure my children buy/make him something as I want them to find joy in giving as well as receiving. I would love to be as petty as he is but I just can't do it.

Give him the same as he gave you. My DP knows that this is exactly what I would do. He knows full well that if all he got me on Mother’s Day was a card that’s all he’d be getting on Sunday!

It's not mean or petty - it's warranted.

It might do him good to see how it feels to be unappreciated.

He'd be getting a shit card and a small box of Maltesers, if I were feeling generous. Same for his birthday.

If he wants better he knows what to do.

How is Father's Day a special day for the kids?

It isn't being mean. It probably just doesn't mean much to him and he won't even notice. I don't expect anything other than the cards DC make at school and don't do anything for Father's Day other than be there when they get presented too.

Neither day was ever a big deal when I was growing up so it not being a big deal now wouldn't come across to me as petty in the least.

That is exactly what you should do , nothing petty about it you are simply putting in the same amount of effort as he does

How is yours not?!?

How old are your kids? Old enough to hold a pen and use scissors and glue? Go back to brass tacks and give them paper, pens, and what ever craft supplies you have in and tell them to make a card and a gift for their dad.

It probably won't be pretty, but it's a thing they did. Father's day and mother's day shouldn't be about what your partner gets you. It should be about what the kids do for the parent. You're not responsible for the xard and gift. They are

I think it's pretty rubbish to not provide them the opportunity to do something for father's day because you're modeling poor gift giving behaviour and an absence of responsibility for them sorting gifts out for loved ones - basically repeating your DHs pattern of behaviour into the next generation

Definitely match his energy, see how that goes down. If he isn't happy with it then you can explain that that's how you feel when he doesn't make an effort.

Thank you everyone, that's given me a lot to think about. I do take the points about not weaponizing the day when it's meant to be about the kids, and I also don't want to perpetuate the cycle of the kids then thinking this is how we treat people. That said, I like to think I'm pretty thoughtful when it comes to gift giving with all members of family so I would hope that that wouldn't be the case.

I like the points about it matching his energy in terms of effort. He may well not even notice, if that's all he's expecting that we do for Mother's day/Father's day then fine.

I'm torn, having read the replies I wonder if should sort something out as I normally do and when I present it to him, I explain that I'd considered matching his efforts but wanted to lead by example for the kids and that I expect that next year he puts some effort in. I'm not after anything expensive, just a card made by my kids, perhaps a token pot plant or something and for him to tell them it's mothers day in the first place. It doesn't help that my birthday falls close to Mother's day and his to Father's day so I've got both days to sort out.

Thank you all for the replies x

I should hope that you would only have to give him ONE shit Fathers Day for the message to be received and understood

Have you not previously spoken to him about all this?