Do I make an effort for Father's day if it is never reciprocated?

[strawberrywhining]

My husband has never really made an effort on behalf of our two young children for Mother's day. On MD this year, I thought he had forgotten entirely until he asked me mid afternoon when I wanted my card. Previously I've had flowers bought from Tesco on the morning once it became clear he'd forgotten. He has similarly made little effort for my birthdays - this year he bought a card, flowers and chocolates from the supermarket on the way home from work on the evening of my birthday.

Each year I've gotten him thoughtful things from the kids - one year they painted coasters for him at a ceramics cafe, another time I got him a selection of cheeses I thought he might like, I have them make him a hand made card etc.

This year I'm wondering if I should just do a card presented to him mid-afternoon with no fanfare, the same as for Mother's day. I'm not sure if I can bring myself to do it, it feels mean and petty. But this years Mother's day was a new low in that I spent most of the day sad, thinking he had forgotten and my DC didn't even know it was Mother's day.

Was just about to post this exact point.

OP, you’ve explained to him how it makes you feel so why would you keep making the effort for someone who doesn’t make the effort back? You won’t be teaching your children anything other than their father is more important than their mother. That men are more important than women.

I think this is where we disagree about the longer term messaging the kids receive.

my view is that as they grow up they will see mum making the effort and dad doing bugger all, much like how deadbeat dads let down their kids and kids come to see it with their own eyes as they grow up and treat him accordingly.

If they see mum setting the bar of what a good parent does and how they would like to be treated then it does more to highlight dads failings. If both do very little for mothers/fathers day then it teaches kids that its the norm not to expect much as adults, and sons especially will repeat the cycle woth their own families as adults (as you've heard from OP, mum's are more likely to step up).

Kids enjoy shopping for a card and making a gift and doing something nice on the day. I wouldn't get in the way of that just because their dad is willing to let them down, I wouldn't.

Can I ask why you think kids will repeat the cycle if both parents do nothing, but won't repeat the cycle if just dad does nothing and mum still makes a fuss?

I'd do just the card. I'd also arrange to take your kids for a Father's Day brunch with your DF (presuming he's around) and tell DH he can tag along if he wants. Or go drop a slightly bigger than usual Father's Day present to your DF.

We tell each other things we want for birthdays/christmas then usually get a couple surprises too. But we have a spend agreement and a plan. Mother day/Father’s Day is similar but less spent . Agreement is 2/3 gifts totalling around £30 plus card. Usually alcohol/flowers/sentimental.

id talk now and just say you both have different ideas about what gift giving looks like and you would like to discuss a budget/plan for going forward. So if gifts wrapped and presented in the morning is a deal breaker for you say it. If he wants a few ideas for your birthday agree to it. Compromise and meet in the middle.

Totally agree with this.

My DH doesn't give two fucks about Mother's Day (unless I tell him he has to) or about Father's Day. But he shows his appreciation (and prompts the DC to) all year round so it's not a hill I'm going to die on.

I think sometimes and to some degree when there's imbalance in the gift giving efforts it can be about a mismatch in creative talents. It is a talent and a skill (often self undervalued) to be able to match person and gift well, some people are naturally good at it. And some people are shit, very little creativity and imagination, and are often aware of that, and can just get overwhelmed. Or alternatively can try and be creative and just get really crap expensive unsuitable things. (Yes, there can definitely be an element of lack of effort as well!)
If you think there's some degree of him genuinely wanting to show appreciation on Mother's Day, suggest something that matches effort for effort, but skips the creativity. Ask if he is willing to make an effort if he has a formula, and that you think its important for him to be leading the kids in showing appreciation (as you will for father's day). Be prescriptive. eg Every mothers day, 1/ I want you to take the kids to the florist and they can select some flowers with x minimum spend. 2/ I'd like you to get the kids to make a nice card or mothers day craft (look online), they can prepare a week or two before. 3/ I'd like either breakfast in bed, or you can make a cake with the kids for afternoon tea or you can book somewhere for a nice meal out. If he agrees, suggest he set alarms then and there to prepare in good time. For father's day, you can go with a similar formula (that may have more creative flair). If he is unwilling or incapable of doing 1/2/3, then take father's day to the basic level that you feel ok with.
I know it's simplifying things, doing the work for him etc etc . It's in no way ideal. But ultimately you don't want Mother's Day to be an annual day of feeling sad and disappointed, so maybe its better to just be pragmatic about it.