Do I make an effort for Father's day if it is never reciprocated?

[strawberrywhining]

My husband has never really made an effort on behalf of our two young children for Mother's day. On MD this year, I thought he had forgotten entirely until he asked me mid afternoon when I wanted my card. Previously I've had flowers bought from Tesco on the morning once it became clear he'd forgotten. He has similarly made little effort for my birthdays - this year he bought a card, flowers and chocolates from the supermarket on the way home from work on the evening of my birthday.

Each year I've gotten him thoughtful things from the kids - one year they painted coasters for him at a ceramics cafe, another time I got him a selection of cheeses I thought he might like, I have them make him a hand made card etc.

This year I'm wondering if I should just do a card presented to him mid-afternoon with no fanfare, the same as for Mother's day. I'm not sure if I can bring myself to do it, it feels mean and petty. But this years Mother's day was a new low in that I spent most of the day sad, thinking he had forgotten and my DC didn't even know it was Mother's day.

How can you not know this??

I have, after my birthday and mother's day this year. He thought he had done a good job regarding my birthday.

No

So, as you’ve previously spoken to him and nothing has changed, why do you think you’ll get a different result this time?

You’ll be ‘explaining’ (it’s not a complex concept, it doesn’t need explaining) again, while presenting him with a gift. His actions will continue to have exactly no repercussions for him and he will continue to disregard you.

You need to get cross. He’s being unkind and disrespectful. He’s also modelling poor behaviour for your kids and showing them that you don’t really matter. Do not be afraid to tell him this. There are too many of these posts where women martyr themselves and are apparently terrified of asking too much. Don’t be one of those women. That sort of martyrdom benefits nobody, apart from the lazy husband.

Reading your update where you have previously expressed your thoughts to your DH, I would just match his energy and get the kids to make him a card.

Your DH doesn’t care enough about the card/present/ special day and has no motivation to change and so won’t bother.

Telling him afterwards isn't helpful to either of you. Tell him a week or two before what you expect for mother's day or your birthday.

Yes, a card, a few prezzies and a Sunday lunch.

My 12 year old will struggle to contain his glee 😂

Why is Father’s Day special but Mother’s Day isn’t?

Why is it ok for him to make no effort for Mother’s Day but if OP doesn’t make effort for Father’s day, she’s weaponising a special day?

Time to stop all effort on birthdays too.

He is not going to bother to remember this next year on Mother’s Day.

So you’ll get a cycle of him making no effort, you making effort, him making no effort, you making effort - every year.

My ex used to do the same. I think it was to punish me, for being me. Thank goodness we’re not together anymore, though I do have to see him due to us having 2 DC.

I had a couple of years with my DP not marking Mother's day - but I'd getting DD to make a card, choose a small present for Father's day. Then one year I thought Fuck it and I did nothing - no card, no gift and school hadn't done anything either. He's not big on birthdays or Christmas so I thought he wouldn't even notice or be bothered. But oh boy was he bothered - I just said - well you did nothing for last 2 Mother's days so didn't think we were marking it. Following year and there on- card and flowers.

Match his energy - unless the kids ask about it. If they do, they can make a card.

THIS. Match his energy is the way. All the stuff about 'being petty' and not 'lowering to his level' is guilt trip stuff aimed at women. Instead, think of it as speaking his language, and actions speak louder than words.

I would get the kids to either make a card or get one and they sign it, and they give it to him in the morning

and that’s it, no present etc

For this one year step back. Match his energy. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

If he's not bothered then it shows that these things really aren't important to him and if they are for you you'll need a discussion with him, not about why he doesn't do anything but why it's important to you.

If he throws a strop then he's a hypocrite and that's a whole different ball game and a different discussion.

Does he do anything for his mother?

Please do nothing.

I would get a card from a supermarket and a box of chocolates. I would give him the card in the morning just because I think it’s better in the morning. I know he didn’t but it is no more effort for you to give it in the morning and it will stress you out more waiting until the afternoon.
Then I would proceed to eat half the chocolates when you are next sat down together in the evening.

From now on on your birthday/ mother’s day start your own traditions with the kids that are age appropriate. I’m not a baking person but if you are make a cake with them every year. Or just make cornflake cakes or something simple.
Is there a nice nature reserve or family walk near you? Go out for a nice walk with the kids.
My mum used to take us all strawberry picking on her birthday sometimes as she loved strawberries.
A wildlife place if you/ the kids like animals?

So I think if you are doing it by yourself and it’s meant to be from the kids I think easy/ non stress/ not expensive if you are paying for it yourself.

So you will have nice memories with the kids and ensure you have a nice day for each event without him. I do think that you shouldn’t be going over and above for him. Bare minimum as that’s all he does for you.
Make his presence irrelevant so he can’t spoil it. “Me and the kids are going to walk around the (whatever pretty place near you) for my birthday. Are you coming?” Him -yes/no. You then go with or without him.

Just one thing though. Does he hate things that he may consider tat. I know I hate being given unnecessary items as I hate clutter. I would prefer a cup of tea for Mother’s Day than a “I love mum” mug or something else that I would have to find a home for in my always full up house. So it is possible he would prefer you didn’t get him the thoughtful presents. If so then stop. Small gift such as chocolates but nothing else. Then use any money saved towards yourself.

How old are the dc?

Shockingly, I had the reverse - we were together 30 years, 3 kids, she never made any effort for father's day, and actively argued that it shouldn't be a thing (just commercial) whereas mother's day had a precedent, coming originally from the church (neither of us were religious). I always made a huge effort for mothers day, and enjoyed getting the kids to prepare a nice surprise, make breakfast, etc.
We split for other reasons, but that was always an issue for me. It felt callous. It even upsets me writing this down, all these years later 🙄

I would do pretty much what you suggest. I would make an effort this year and then I would do two things. First of all, a few days after Father's Day, I would have a conversation about birthdays and Mother's Day and agree on some expectations.

This isn't just about him showing consideration, it's also about him teaching the children to show consideration in whatever way suits their ages. He models consideration for you by buying cards and presents for you, and arranging an outing or party or whatever, and he helps the children to show consideration for you by reminding them and helping them buy your cards and presents and making your breakfast or whatever.

After that conversation I would notice what he does for my birthday and mother's day and from then on do roughly the same effort for his birthday and father's day. Because the one thing you are not going to teach the children is that family makes a big effort for fathers and minimal effort for mothers.

The real question is - does he make an effort and make you feel cherished on the other 363 days per year that aren't your birthday or Mother's Day?

If he does then it's probably good to take a step back from the pressure of conforming to a commercialised holiday just because Hallmark says you have to do it.

But I suspect he doesn't, which is why these days take on outsize importance... but the problem isn't actually his lack of effort on Mother's Day but his lack of effort all year round. That's what you should be thinking about.

Massively disagree with this. If you carry on making a fuss of fathers day, whilst he does nothing for mothers day, you are sending the kids the message that women /mum doesn't matter, but men/dad does. It's not 'weaponising' anything.

Focus on the kids here - if they enjoy making a card or making him toast in bed, great - it’s teaching THEM how to be lovely people.

id then mention it after and say that’s why you’re doing it?

He's shown you that these days don't matter to him. Match that energy for Father's Day.

Maybe you could approach Mothers Day differently. Arrange one of those ceramic painting days for you and the kids, have a lovely day. Make it more about a special time together rather than let him make every year miserable.