Ex sending DS mobility car back - guilt!

[SunsOutTodayF]

Posted about my situation before and the logistics. Separating from ex and due to move out soon. I’m the primary carer for our disabled DS who receives high rate mobility via a mobility car that soon to be ex drives.

I’ll have DS 60/70% of the time and ex will have him the rest of the time.

Ex would have used the car to drive to his work (full time) and when he had our son would have picked him up and also helped when not working by driving him to respite or appointments. Or occasionally if I took our son on a holiday would have driven him and driven him (with me) to days out (every few months maybe)

Ex has now ordered himself a new car and mobility car will go back. I’m feeling like a horrible shitty person now that he has to send the car back, I ended the marriage and I’m feeling so much guilt and shame - I don’t drive and will use the payments to pay for taxis etc but I feel so bloody guilty that ex has given the car back as it was perfect for our son. He said that I pressured him to and told him that keeping it was not an option. I don’t know if I’ve made the right choice.

Why do I feel so shitty now? Ex said everyone he worked with couldn’t understand why he couldn’t keep the car? Everyone I have spoken to said that he needs to give it up apart from my parents.

I’ve also received a small amount of help to set up a new place due to my sons needs and being a carer but I now feel money grabbing and like I don’t deserve any help 😢

Choices are learn to drive..
Accept you need to use taxis..
And don't believe ex who said people agreed he should keep a car that should benefit ds not him.

Thanks - yes my plan was to learn to drive with the mobility money but I wish I didn’t feel so awful about the whole thing.

Why could he not keep the car? Driving to work, benefits your Son, as any money he gives you for maintainace comes from that, presumably? The car benefited your Son, it was your choice to send it back, so that is that. The only thing to do, if possible, is learn to drive yourself.

But you can't drive. And now you have money towards independent transport so you're not depending on your ex. And he'll have his own car for ds when he has him.

What's to feel bad about?

its your child’s mobility car for the benefit of the disabled person. I don’t think your ex using it for commuting purposes comes under the guidelines for what the car should be used for. New mobility cars may even have trackers to make sure the car is being used for the disabled person for example the driver lives at another address. You are completely right to hand it back, it’s not the family car.

The PIP is for your ds. Money used to get a motability car should be 100% for your ds, not your ex for work.
Of course you need the mobility part of PIP as payments to pay for your ds to get about, it is what it is for.
Don't feel guilty.

I guess the question is why you didn't learn to drive before, then you could've kept the car, and why that will be more possible now. But given that you didn't, there's no point self-flagellating. The decision's made and presumably the advantages of separating outweigh these kinds of details, so all you can do is make peace with it and commit to the next phase in a positive way.

You can't drive and you have your child the majority of the time so sending the car back was the right call.

Unless your ex lives very close by and was going to take your DS to the majority of places that you're getting taxis to it wasn't feasible to keep the car.

The issue was mainly with my soon to be ex husband ordering himself a new car when we are in the very early stages of separation and I had also said to him that we would sort out all our utilities etc but leave sorting the DLA for a while as I wasn’t sure what to do. I planned to seek advice about our custody set up and what is fair, I feel like he will blame me for forcing him to give up the car.

It would seem that he ran ahead then, and put down for another car, so he would be unreasonable to blame you for sending the mobility car back. It is not free, and if he is not on hand to drive your Son to hospital appointments, school etc, then you are right to use the money, that you spent hiring the car, on taxis, as, and when you need to.

I was also worried about insurance as the car would be registered to my new address and ex would have been driving it.

Yabu and your ex was being a piss taker thinking he should keep the car.

You need to learn to drive.

It sounds like you need to learn to drive

who cares if he blames you? He is an ex for many good reasons I expect.

I don’t understand the problem, i would see this as a win that your ex is taking responsibility for his own car rather then using your DS mobility money. Surely if you can’t drive the money is far better in your sons ‘pocket’ then going on a car for his Dad?

this is the first time I have ever seen a post this way round, usually it’s when couples split and one party wants to keep the mobility car we see complains

He can't keep the car, it's not for him. It's better he returns it and buys his own vehicle. Use the money for users, and driving lessons.

Thanks, that’s what I’ll do, wish I didn’t feel so guilty like I’ve done something awful!

A Motab car is for use for the recipient of the money, your ex driving to and from work when he is not resident parent is outside the rules.

you’ve nothing to feel guilty for

Why can’t you just get an Uber with the money that was spent on the car. You were abusing the system anyway - it wasn’t being used the majority of the time for your DS.

But your ex needs to get to work? What’s wrong with him taking the prerogative and sorting it.

You say everyone agrees apart from your parents.

You feel guilty and ashamed.

I would explore this more. You may find this is the key to feeling better.

Personally I would feel guilty and ashamed as a non resident parent driving the mobility car and reducing the amount of PIP my ex and child received. So if i was your ex you would be doing me a favour and relieving me of my guilt.

Everything can be seen several ways. Why do you feel guilty and why do your parents think him keeping a car (and you having less money) is the correct thing to do?

Ah and insurance fraud too. You are doing him a favour

Why on earth are you feeling guilty? You didn’t make the rules he wants to break to the detriment of you and your DS. He can do one (in his own car)

The rules are that the car is to be used for the recipient of DLA. Work commutes for other family members are prohibited so he was breaching the rules. When had an accident in my dad’s motability car the insurance company asked what I was using the car for (I was visiting him in hospital with clean clothing etc). There is usually a mileage limit that is quite restrictive too.