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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex sending DS mobility car back - guilt!

67 replies

SunsOutTodayF · 10/06/2025 17:59

Posted about my situation before and the logistics. Separating from ex and due to move out soon. I’m the primary carer for our disabled DS who receives high rate mobility via a mobility car that soon to be ex drives.

I’ll have DS 60/70% of the time and ex will have him the rest of the time.

Ex would have used the car to drive to his work (full time) and when he had our son would have picked him up and also helped when not working by driving him to respite or appointments. Or occasionally if I took our son on a holiday would have driven him and driven him (with me) to days out (every few months maybe)

Ex has now ordered himself a new car and mobility car will go back. I’m feeling like a horrible shitty person now that he has to send the car back, I ended the marriage and I’m feeling so much guilt and shame - I don’t drive and will use the payments to pay for taxis etc but I feel so bloody guilty that ex has given the car back as it was perfect for our son. He said that I pressured him to and told him that keeping it was not an option. I don’t know if I’ve made the right choice.

Why do I feel so shitty now? Ex said everyone he worked with couldn’t understand why he couldn’t keep the car? Everyone I have spoken to said that he needs to give it up apart from my parents.

I’ve also received a small amount of help to set up a new place due to my sons needs and being a carer but I now feel money grabbing and like I don’t deserve any help 😢

OP posts:
lifeisgoodrightnow · 10/06/2025 19:54

A parent or spouse driving the car to employment is within Motability’s rules as the work that the non disabled person does provides for and benefits the disabled person.

Snazzysausage · 10/06/2025 19:56

If the higher mobility is likely to be a long term award,could you learn to drive now using the extra money and when you've passed then join the mobility scheme again and get a car for you to use for your son?

Simonjt · 10/06/2025 19:56

Grimtastic · 10/06/2025 19:46

Ah and insurance fraud too. You are doing him a favour

It isn’t, ita fairly usual for the address for a motability car to be the recipients home via DLM rather than the main drivers home. It isn’t fraud at all, due to the nature of mobility vehicles the policy is designed in a way to be used by multiple drivers, and so likely multiple households driving it.

Forthemarket · 10/06/2025 19:59

So he is an arse who wants to control the narrative and to prioritise his feelings above his son’s needs. Your son needs the money so you can travel with him. Your DH has returned the car because he knows full well others would think him a cunt if he drove round in his son’s mobility vehicle while you get buses or don’t go places. He also knows that this will have been coveeed before when assets are split. He will be looking to shaft you in other ways too I suspect so don’t let him.

Original poster
SunsOutTodayF · 10/06/2025 20:09

lifeisgoodrightnow · 10/06/2025 19:54

A parent or spouse driving the car to employment is within Motability’s rules as the work that the non disabled person does provides for and benefits the disabled person.

That’s what I thought and that’s how we used it when we were together. Now we have split up DS will stay with ex for 5 nights with me and 2 nights with ex per week. Him keeping the car then did seem unfair but as stated I now feel massively guilty! I just wish he had spoken to me first - I didn’t force him to immediately purchase another car, it’s cheap and v.small compared to the mobility car.

OP posts:
Dinosweetpea · 10/06/2025 20:10

Princessbananahamock · 10/06/2025 18:14

its your child’s mobility car for the benefit of the disabled person. I don’t think your ex using it for commuting purposes comes under the guidelines for what the car should be used for. New mobility cars may even have trackers to make sure the car is being used for the disabled person for example the driver lives at another address. You are completely right to hand it back, it’s not the family car.

This.
I remember your previous post. He neither needed or deserved use of the car.
Stay strong, you are doing the right thing.

Original poster
SunsOutTodayF · 10/06/2025 20:11

So two nights per week he would have DS overnight. In between that he would possibly help a bit with transport but he would mostly be using it for his job. I wanted ideally to give it a few months and then make the decision.

OP posts:
Original poster
SunsOutTodayF · 10/06/2025 20:12

Obviously it’s a win but I still feel like a bitch! Especially as I’m the one leaving my husband.

OP posts:
x2boys · 10/06/2025 20:16

BashfulClam · 10/06/2025 19:51

The rules are that the car is to be used for the recipient of DLA. Work commutes for other family members are prohibited so he was breaching the rules. When had an accident in my dad’s motability car the insurance company asked what I was using the car for (I was visiting him in hospital with clean clothing etc). There is usually a mileage limit that is quite restrictive too.

Edited

The rules are the car should benefit the recipient of the DLA not that child has to.be in the car at all times.
It's fine to use as the family car my dh drives to and from work in our sons mobility car every day
In fact when it was in the garage recently mobility provided taxis so my dh could get to and from work.

Meadowfinch · 10/06/2025 20:19

Usernumber12356 · 10/06/2025 18:11

But you can't drive. And now you have money towards independent transport so you're not depending on your ex. And he'll have his own car for ds when he has him.

What's to feel bad about?

This.

I really don't see the issue. Your ex can buy his own car. You can learn to drive. Then you can reapply for a Motability car.

You are entitled to that money to help you care for your child. You have no reason to feel guilty at all.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 10/06/2025 20:20

lifeisgoodrightnow · 10/06/2025 19:54

A parent or spouse driving the car to employment is within Motability’s rules as the work that the non disabled person does provides for and benefits the disabled person.

Yes, but if they live in a different household the vast majority of the time it doesn't count.

OP I was on your last thread, and the response was pretty unanimous that the car had to go back
..morally and according to the rules of the scheme. So don't keep beating yourself up about something that was not your decision.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 10/06/2025 20:20

LadyKenya · 10/06/2025 18:10

Why could he not keep the car? Driving to work, benefits your Son, as any money he gives you for maintainace comes from that, presumably? The car benefited your Son, it was your choice to send it back, so that is that. The only thing to do, if possible, is learn to drive yourself.

Because he didn't want to keep to benefit the child. He wanted it for his own use at the OP's expense because she'd have to pay for taxis and all other transport for every day other than a pick up and drop off for contact.

lifeisgoodrightnow · 10/06/2025 20:21

Barrenfieldoffucks · 10/06/2025 20:20

Yes, but if they live in a different household the vast majority of the time it doesn't count.

OP I was on your last thread, and the response was pretty unanimous that the car had to go back
..morally and according to the rules of the scheme. So don't keep beating yourself up about something that was not your decision.

Show quote history

It does if you agree it with motability and they may / probably will fit a tracker.

BangersAndGnash · 10/06/2025 20:21

I don’t know how your voting works.

You should not be feeling guilty.

DLA / mobility car is not for your ex to go to work or drive when Dc is not present.

Take the money and use it for taxis.

And of course you shouldn’t feel guilty about accepting money for adapting Dc’s environment,

But learning to drive, if hat is possible, and getting a mobility car in future will give you so much freedom and independence with Dc

Sarkykitty · 10/06/2025 20:34

The mobility car is basically leased by your son using the mobility part of his DLA payments. It’s not cheap so if dad can afford a new car by himself that extra money you will now receive on your sons behalf will pay for your child’s transport costs as right now you can’t drive yet and your son is number one priority here. You may be able to get some help towards paying for driving lessons through carers grants.
its definitely the right decision that the car has gone back due to dad not being his sole carer as your son will need that money to help with his mobility so I don’t think you should feel at all guilty.

tipsyraven · 11/06/2025 05:29

He can’t keep the car as the mobility money that pays for it will be needed to pay for taxis for her son and she has him for most of the time.

OP, don’t let other people make you feel guilty. You shouldn’t be put at a disadvantage because of your son’s needs. The money is for his transport not your ex to get to work, that is an incidental use and he has now bought a new car.

Use taxis for now, learn to drive and reapply for a car when you can do so. You need to make your new life work as well as you can for you both. Giving the motobility car to your ex is not going to serve either of you well as you won’t have the money to pay for taxis for your son.

Zanatdy · 11/06/2025 05:34

It was the right thing to do to return the car. It is meant to be for your DS’s use, so your ex living somewhere else and using the car for work wasn’t right. You can still learn to drive and once you’ve passed your test, get a mobility car again. It’s just a car at the end of the day, and your ex is getting another so presumably can still drive DS to appointments etc.

Davros · 11/06/2025 08:36

In my day Motability cars were not supposed to be used as a “family car” or for incidental use without the disabled person present. However, this was rather unworkable so they used to turn a blind eye as long as it wasn’t taking the piss. As he would be doing the latter, the car is not for his casual daily usage with much less contact with DS. Maybe the rules have changed to formally allow daily family use, but it still wouldn’t apply in this case.

sashh · 11/06/2025 09:02

OP

Before it goes back ask the garage how much it would cost to buy it. You might be surprised how low the price is.

Motability can help with driving lessons (I assume you physically can drive but need lessons) as will some charities.

I got rid of my last mobility car and bought a mobility scooter and I have only missed it a couple of times. I get shopping delivered and just potter around my local area.

Don't feel guilty or grabby you are doing what is best for you and your child.

OCDmama · 11/06/2025 09:31

LadyKenya · 10/06/2025 18:10

Why could he not keep the car? Driving to work, benefits your Son, as any money he gives you for maintainace comes from that, presumably? The car benefited your Son, it was your choice to send it back, so that is that. The only thing to do, if possible, is learn to drive yourself.

So OP should swallow the cost of transport for son the 70% of the time she has him? Is ex really going to pay a heightened CM rate to reflect the fact he's got the car and the funds that should be going to taxis? I think not.

wobblybrain · 11/06/2025 09:47

sashh · 11/06/2025 09:02

OP

Before it goes back ask the garage how much it would cost to buy it. You might be surprised how low the price is.

Motability can help with driving lessons (I assume you physically can drive but need lessons) as will some charities.

I got rid of my last mobility car and bought a mobility scooter and I have only missed it a couple of times. I get shopping delivered and just potter around my local area.

Don't feel guilty or grabby you are doing what is best for you and your child.

You can’t buy it, motability haven’t had that option for a long time.

PruthePrune · 11/06/2025 09:50

Why haven't you learned to drive before now?

Original poster
SunsOutTodayF · 11/06/2025 12:02

PruthePrune · 11/06/2025 09:50

Why haven't you learned to drive before now?

Tried and failed 4 times! 🫣

OP posts:
WitchesofPainswick · 11/06/2025 12:05

I am cynical but suspect that your Ex has of course hoovered up a nice portion of your joint savings into an asset that he now keeps. You feeling guilty about it means you miss this bigger picture.

teenmaw · 11/06/2025 12:44

Have a word with yourself op. We all incur costs of splitting and the vast majority of us pay our own way to work. Thats life. The money is to get your son where he needs to be which it will now be spent appropriately on. Your ex is taking the utter piss.

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