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Original poster

To not want to go to my nephew's 50th party

74 replies

citygirl1961 · 10/06/2025 12:55

I love all my family but I don't like parties, unless it's a meal out or something similar.

My eldest nephew is 50 in a few weeks time. A while ago my sister in law said his wife was thinking of booking a mini festival for his 50th and said she wouldn't fancy going to anything like that, so I thought that if she didn't go then I could refuse and not feel too bad about it.

Fast forward on and it is now happening and my sister in law is going along with my brother and I have been invited. She told me not to worry if I don't fancy it, but I do feel obliged to go with it being family. I'd be upset if I didn't get invited to these things so I feel I should make the effort.

However, no one knows what this party involves. All I know is that it is in a field and there is a barbecue. We will only be going for a couple of hours as the party is set to go on well into the night . I can't leave until my brother and sister in law do they do because this field is in the middle of nowhere and difficult for me to get a bus home.

All I can think of is what if its cold or raining heavy and no shelter. It's one of those things where its there on the horizon and I can't wait for it to be over. I feel like making an excuse and saying I can't go after all but would this be unreasonable?

OP posts:
flossydog · 10/06/2025 12:57

The best that can happen is you have a nice time and get to see family. The worst is it rains and you all go home early. Not worth worrying about.

NeedForSpeed · 10/06/2025 12:58

Can you pre book a taxi for, say, 9pm?

BallerinaRadio · 10/06/2025 13:00

So you don't want to go, but feel obliged to go, and you'd feel upset if you weren't asked to go.

It's a family barbecue, you're overthinking it.

toomuchfaff · 10/06/2025 13:01

I thought that if she didn't go then I could refuse and not feel too bad about it.

I can't leave until my brother and sister in law do

Are you conjoined twins?

Why do you think you can only do what they do? Go if they go, leave when they leave?

If you don't want to go, don't go...

Or go for a bit, see how it is and then leave. Its a party invite, not a jury summons. You don't have to stay till youre dismissed.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 10/06/2025 13:05

If it's raining , take a rain coat.
It's unlikely to be cold but again, take a coat.

Book a taxi to pick you up at a time you know you'll want to go home.

Or don't go...

Icecreamhelps · 10/06/2025 13:09

I always feel like this about pre arranged parties/events. It's got worse since menopause.
It's not unreasonable to feel this way.
I do make a huge effort and go, once I'm there I'm glad I did as I relax and enjoy myself. As a previous poster said worst case scenario if I'm not relaxed or enjoying myself I make my excuses and leave.

crumpet · 10/06/2025 13:13

Take a small blanket too - so useful

Chazbots · 10/06/2025 13:16

Take a collapsible chair too and a very big blanket.

PicaK · 10/06/2025 13:18

If he's 50 how old are you?
I'd decline graciously - thanking them for the invite and sending some money to put towards friperies that make them smile

Original poster
citygirl1961 · 10/06/2025 13:21

PicaK · 10/06/2025 13:18

If he's 50 how old are you?
I'd decline graciously - thanking them for the invite and sending some money to put towards friperies that make them smile

I am 63, so not that old :)

OP posts:
Original poster
citygirl1961 · 10/06/2025 13:22

toomuchfaff · 10/06/2025 13:01

I thought that if she didn't go then I could refuse and not feel too bad about it.

I can't leave until my brother and sister in law do

Are you conjoined twins?

Why do you think you can only do what they do? Go if they go, leave when they leave?

If you don't want to go, don't go...

Or go for a bit, see how it is and then leave. Its a party invite, not a jury summons. You don't have to stay till youre dismissed.

No we're not conjoined but this place is difficult to get to via public transport and I am getting a lift. I don't like leaving a family gathering early.

OP posts:
Tourmalines · 10/06/2025 13:22

Ok , 63. Not old . Go . Have a good time .

333FionaG · 10/06/2025 13:22

Take a folding chair, a raincoat, a blanket and a hipflask. Pre-book a taxi to come and collect you.

Original poster
citygirl1961 · 10/06/2025 13:23

Icecreamhelps · 10/06/2025 13:09

I always feel like this about pre arranged parties/events. It's got worse since menopause.
It's not unreasonable to feel this way.
I do make a huge effort and go, once I'm there I'm glad I did as I relax and enjoy myself. As a previous poster said worst case scenario if I'm not relaxed or enjoying myself I make my excuses and leave.

Thank you. I feel like this about any parties now, not just with family occasions. I don't drink any more and would rather go out for a meal now.

OP posts:
FluffykinsTheFerociousFeralFelineFury · 10/06/2025 13:33

I don't go anywhere unless I can leave when I decide I've had enough. If that means driving myself and staying sober, so be it.

Judiezones · 10/06/2025 13:34

toomuchfaff · 10/06/2025 13:01

I thought that if she didn't go then I could refuse and not feel too bad about it.

I can't leave until my brother and sister in law do

Are you conjoined twins?

Why do you think you can only do what they do? Go if they go, leave when they leave?

If you don't want to go, don't go...

Or go for a bit, see how it is and then leave. Its a party invite, not a jury summons. You don't have to stay till youre dismissed.

OP clearly explains that it's in the middle of nowhere. It's not difficult to work out that she's getting a lift from them. Nothing to do with being "conjoined twins".

NewsdeskJC · 10/06/2025 13:40

Don't go.
Say to nephew. "Hope you have fun, hope to catch up another time to mark your birthday."
Job done.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 10/06/2025 13:41

I think you’re allowed to decline an invitation from time to time. From the sounds of it you do attend other events so it is unlikely that one party will get you blackballed from other gatherings.

If you do decide to go then I’d dress in layers with comfy shoes, ask your sister if you need to bring anything like a chair or whatever (I would think they would plan for people to be able to sit 😁) and have fun.

yakkity · 10/06/2025 13:44

citygirl1961 · 10/06/2025 13:23

Thank you. I feel like this about any parties now, not just with family occasions. I don't drink any more and would rather go out for a meal now.

Show quote history

So you don’t like parties. Don’t go. But then don’t moan if you are left on the sidelines and forgotten.

not being harsh just pointing out that for relationships of any kind, some compromises and sacrifices have to be made. You can’t only do things you want to do or else you’ll be that person who is never around.

that’s totally fine. You may just be over socialising full stop. But just be aware that most people feel that to be any sort relationship sometimes we do thing for the other person and it’s not all about us.

obviously you wouldn’t go sky diving just because someone wanted you to but you would say, wear white to an all white themed party even if you have white. Or go to a Mexican restaurant even though you aren’t that keen on Mexican food because your loved one is having a birthday and they love Mexican. Or as in this case, attend a party for a couple of hours even though it’s not your thing because the person having the birthday is having that sort of party. It’s about them and creating a celebration for them. It’s not about you.

you really don’t need to worry about leaving early. Just pop in and leave early. It’s to show love. If you can’t leave early due to logistics then just politely decline

mrsm43s · 10/06/2025 13:45

This is your nephew's party, so obviously he'd doing what appeals to him, rather than what your preferences are, and rightly so. FWIW, a "mini-festival" is fundamentally a picnic in a field with perhaps some added music or activities, so just bring along your blanket/drink/food etc (whatever it says on the invitation) and join in and have fun.

As a grown adult, surely you are capable of sorting out your own transport, and therefore you can leave when you want to. You don't have to get a lift - if it works better for you there's other options like self driving, or taxi services.

I expect there's been plenty of birthday/other celebrations that you've organised that haven't been to the preference of all the other attendees, but presumably your friends and family have come along, joined in and enjoyed themselves in order to make your special occasion happy and fun.

I don't really get the big angst about this. You seem to be setting a lot of random,arbitrary rules, and making someone else's event all about you.

Just go along, join in and have fun. And when you've had enough and want to go home, then just say your goodbyes and head off home (in whatever transport you've personally arranged - don't try to drag others home early). Or if you really can't suck it up for a night for someone you loves milestone birthday, then just decline and don't go.

purplecorkheart · 10/06/2025 13:46

What is the bathroom arrangement? That would be a major factor for me.

A lot would depend on your brother and sil for me. Are they the kind who say they will stay for an hour and then stay on chatting. I have relatives who can spend two hours just saying goodbye to people. Is there a possibility of getting a taxi if they want to linger.

To be honest though I probably would just thank them for the invite but unfortunately you can not make it.

notacooldad · 10/06/2025 13:49

Go with a positive e attitude thinking it is something a bit different and it gets the family together.
If you dont like it and everyone else is staying just book an uber or something, say you are leaving but smile and tell everyone it is fabulous and to carry on having a great time!!!

nomas · 10/06/2025 13:53

I'd be upset if I didn't get invited to these things so I feel I should make the effort.

I feel like making an excuse and saying I can't go after all but would this be unreasonable?

It depends on whether you reject all invites or just the odd one. Do you arrange anything for family? It would be unreasonable to often reject invites and still expect to be invited.

If it rains surely you can just sit in the car?

Yellowlab34 · 10/06/2025 13:58

It's totally reasonable to skip a party in the middle of nowhere, when you don't have your own transport. I'm sure your nephew, brother and SIL will understand.

I'm 46 and I wouldn't fancy it.

AmyDuPlantier · 10/06/2025 13:59

It’s one evening in your life to celebrate with family.