To not want to go to my nephew's 50th party

[citygirl1961]

I love all my family but I don't like parties, unless it's a meal out or something similar.

My eldest nephew is 50 in a few weeks time. A while ago my sister in law said his wife was thinking of booking a mini festival for his 50th and said she wouldn't fancy going to anything like that, so I thought that if she didn't go then I could refuse and not feel too bad about it.

Fast forward on and it is now happening and my sister in law is going along with my brother and I have been invited. She told me not to worry if I don't fancy it, but I do feel obliged to go with it being family. I'd be upset if I didn't get invited to these things so I feel I should make the effort.

However, no one knows what this party involves. All I know is that it is in a field and there is a barbecue. We will only be going for a couple of hours as the party is set to go on well into the night . I can't leave until my brother and sister in law do they do because this field is in the middle of nowhere and difficult for me to get a bus home.

All I can think of is what if its cold or raining heavy and no shelter. It's one of those things where its there on the horizon and I can't wait for it to be over. I feel like making an excuse and saying I can't go after all but would this be unreasonable?

i can assure you I don't act my age and certainly not older. Just because I prefer coffee to alcohol doesn't make me ancient, nor does the fact that I don't want to wet myself because there's no toilet available. I go to all family events, I just don't fancy this one but I will go and show my face.

Op you have to assume that a grown man will have considered toilets and rain.
I would assume they'll have gazebos and portaloos as a minimum.

Ah Op. I really feel for you.

as you have said, you love family events and always go.

so for this one, I would leave it as going for now.

on the day, see how you feel, if glorious sunshine and you feel like it, go along.

if you don’t, suddenly case if upset tummy sorts it. Family unlikely to assume anything other and you can catch up after event in your terms.

It's in a field with no facilities or cover against potential bad weather? Bit of an odd one.

Wear your wellies and take a dome umbrella with you.

I think it'd be good if you go, to celebrate with your nephew and your family. Stay a few hours and take a taxi home. Enjoy the party.

Exactly. It's not like @citygirl1961 is the only person who'll need a toilet, especially if the event is going in until the early hours!
Nor will she be the only person not drinking alcohol. It's in a field somewhere. People will have had to drive there.

Don’t get stuck in a boring, safe comfort zone - your world will
shrink.

YABU.

I am absolutely in the camp of 'It's an invitation, not a summons' and if you really don't want to go, then don't.
But you can't have it both ways. If you don't want to feel left out, then go. You've said you'd be upset if you didn't get invited. You have to decide whether you do, or don't want to be involved as part of the wider family.

Do you really have such a low opinion of your nephew, that you think it won't have occurred to him and any other organisers that they will have to ensure there is shelter from any potential rain, and that there is somewhere for people to go to the toilet ?

I mean, I’ve been to what feels like a million 50ths over the past four years (being 55 myself) and they’ve ALL had toilet arrangements. Your nephew and his wife aren’t daft, they know they’ll need rain cover and somewhere to pee!

Assume the worst - no toilets and peeing behind a tree, rain, cold and mud. Take waterproofs, a fleece and wellies, a blanket, a flask and a torch. You probably won't need any of that and will have a nice time wafting around in something floaty, you could even use it as an excuse to wear those hippy flower circlets that normally look out of place on anyone older than 15. I'd take antihistamine and anti-bug spray just in case. Go have fun!

I'm fairly certain you won't be the only person to need the toilet at a party that, you have said yourself, is starting in the afternoon and going on "well into the night"🙄Come on OP. Stop being a drama queen.

As for taking a thermos of coffee, it seems like you're trying to make a point. If the party is in a field with no public transport then many people will be driving and not drinking. Bars / parties these days always have alcohol free options. Even if it's just soft drinks. I think you're being a bit OTT to be honest.

No answers for you, but totally understand! My in-laws do stuff like this - it always feels like a huge challenge and I'm a party pooper for not loving it. X

Your in-laws host parties and other social events that they will enjoy ?
Then are kind enough to invite you ?

Oh, life must be so tough.

Nobody is arranging a party outside with no toilets and no back-up plan for bad weather. You're talking like you're the only one who will have considered either of these things. They will be covered.

The organiser has said it's no biggie if you don't go.
You don't want to go.
So don't.

Again, if it's such "a huge challenge" for you, don't go.

You sound just like my mum (except she's 77). You would be upset if you weren't invited - and you are invited - but you don't want to go - but you'd hate not to go - there's no public transport so you need a lift - but you're willing to pre-book a taxi - you want to show your face - but you don't want to stay too long - what about the weather - what about toilets - what about seating - what about the food - what about the alcohol.....and on and on and on.

Go, or don't go. Pick one. I don't think anyone is thinking about your attendance as much as you are. Make up your mind one way or the other, stick to it, and stop moaning! It's really not that big of a deal, and remember it's not about you: I'm sure your nephew would rather not have you there, then have you there sitting on a fold up chair wearing a jacket and sipping coffee out of a thermos looking at your watch every 5 minutes.

Just don't bloody go! They've probably only invited you out of obligation (particularly as they said not to worry if you don't fancy it!). If I was having a rave in field I certainly wouldn't want my aunties coming!! So potentially you end up with a situation with you being invited out of obligation and then only going out of obligation. Just forget about it and send a card and/or present.

This^

The preoccupation with the weather is a bit odd @citygirl1961
It is summer not winter, odds are it will be neither freezing nor pissing it down but either way I’m sure they will make some provisions for shelter.

Go via a taxi so you have control over when you arrive and leave. Or on the day, if it really is -10 and wet you can cancel. It doesn’t need this much angst or martyrdom.

Honestly, OP, you should stay home.

With your talk of rain and thermos flasks, it sounds like you’re determined to stand in a field, miserably clutching a coffee and complaining.

Save everyone else the misery. Stay home.

A field and no barbecue? I'd be out. Sounds like you're between a rock and a hard place. You acknowledge you'd be upset if you weren't invited but on the other hand you don't want to go. In your shoes I'd politely decline and then maybe invite them to something of your choosing (like, not in a field) at a later date.

Go and have a little dance, its good for you!

Personally, it wouldn't be my dream ticket either. I'm 68 and I've done my time standing around in cold, muddy fields and peeing in portaloos. Younger posters probably don't realise how unappealing it becomes for most people as they get older. I'd just send your nephew a lovely card and gift, wish him well for his mini festival and politely decline. With the best will in the world, I honestly can't imagine that your absence would ruin the day for him. I also can't imagine he'd be immature enough not to understand that it wasn't your scene.

Thank you. True some people don't understand. I am a fun person and not set in my ways at all but this just isn't my thing.