To not want to go to my nephew's 50th party

[citygirl1961]

I love all my family but I don't like parties, unless it's a meal out or something similar.

My eldest nephew is 50 in a few weeks time. A while ago my sister in law said his wife was thinking of booking a mini festival for his 50th and said she wouldn't fancy going to anything like that, so I thought that if she didn't go then I could refuse and not feel too bad about it.

Fast forward on and it is now happening and my sister in law is going along with my brother and I have been invited. She told me not to worry if I don't fancy it, but I do feel obliged to go with it being family. I'd be upset if I didn't get invited to these things so I feel I should make the effort.

However, no one knows what this party involves. All I know is that it is in a field and there is a barbecue. We will only be going for a couple of hours as the party is set to go on well into the night . I can't leave until my brother and sister in law do they do because this field is in the middle of nowhere and difficult for me to get a bus home.

All I can think of is what if its cold or raining heavy and no shelter. It's one of those things where its there on the horizon and I can't wait for it to be over. I feel like making an excuse and saying I can't go after all but would this be unreasonable?

However, no one knows what this party involves.

Well, I imagine, if it's like any other party that I - or anyone else - have ever been to, there will be food, drink, talking, laughing, music and dancing.

All I can think of is what if its cold or raining heavy and no shelter.

If it's completely outdoor and pissing it down then it will most likely be cancelled anyway. But I imagine there will be some sort of tent / marquee set up for this eventuality.

As others have said, take warm clothes and waterproofs, wear flat shoes and go and enjoy yourself! Really, really no need to overthink this. It's a birthday party for a few hours. If it's shit / you don't have fun then so what. But you've shown willing and more than likely you probably will have a good time and a laugh (if you allow yourself to).

Well yes, you would rather go for a meal. But it's your nephews birthday, not yours. And he would rather have a festival themed party (which isn't that unusual these days).

This. My mum is skipping a family event for similar reasons. It’s on in an awkward location for her. No drama involved as my mum normally loves a night out but this just doesn’t work for her.

It's not your thing and it's fine not to go. They've even told you not to worry if you don't fancy it, so why over think it. You don't want to go, they don't mind, stay at home.

what Do you want to do, not feel not think you are obliged to do actually want to do? Decide and that’s what you do.

I have 50 yro friends who party as though they are 21 - booze and house music. It's exhausting and I'm with you on preferring a nice dinner.

If you're getting a lift, could you get a lift home with your sister and/or stay with her overnight? She is presumably older than you and won't be staying until the bitter end but wants to show her face. So may well be quite up for a planned exit which the location totally facilitates, it's not like you can flag down an Uber in the middle of nowhere.

Either drive or book a taxi.

YANBU to feel this way. I wouldn’t like this kind of do either.

I think that possibly your SIL may know that it’s not your thing as you mention that she says it’s fine if you don’t fancy it. I would reply with ‘thank you so much for the invite. Sorry to decline but to be totally honest it’s really just not my thing. I hope that’s ok and I’ve sent a little something in the post for nephew which I hope he will like.’

I can sympathise OP as I get a bit like this. But then I say to myself “ Go with a positive attitude and be grateful you have people who want you to be there OR don’t go at all” . But don’t go with a negative mindset, constantly looking to leave early etc.

YANBU to not go if you don't want to.

Please RSVP no though rather than saying yes and then not going.

You have to go to things like this, really. My nephew had a big birthday party (disco etc.) a few weeks after my exH had left me. I will still in shock and hiding away from the world but I forced myself to go because sometimes we just have to do things for people we love.

^ This is the perfect response.

A meal in a restaurant, no problem.

No way would I want to attend a "party" in a field, and I'm a decade younger than you...I'm too old to be peeing behind a hedge.

Could you drive

All I can think of is what if its cold or raining heavy and no shelter.

So check the weather forecast the day before, and if its bad, say that sorry, you don't feel able to go.

I dread these things too, and almost decided not to go to my niece's big party last week. But I made myself go, and ended up enjoying it and staying considerably longer than I expected.

I'm just a few years older than you, and becoming very aware of the risks of avoiding social events/contact. I've decided that it's a 'use it or lose it' thing. And introvert though I am, I don't want to be a lonely 80 year old, because people have decided that I'm not that bothered about them.

I'm quite sure a 50 yo will have some sort of plan B if it rains and have some sort of toilet facilities available.

Op I'd go its essentially a BBQ with music. The worse that happens you don't enjoy it, the best that happens you have a lovely time make memories and get out the house for a couple of hours.

Agreed. It really is use it or loose it territory.

It might rain? As my dp’s grandma would have said “You’re not made of sugar, love”

Are you anxious @citygirl1961 ? I've got GAD and depression and it's really hard to go to large gatherings. Worst is the anxiety leading up to the event. Weirdly I never get this when it's child related. I think that when it's for my DC I focus so much on them enjoying themselves that I forget my anxiety.

If it rains, and it's all outdoors, the likelihood is it will be cancelled or moved elsewhere. You can't have a BBQ in the rain, especially if it's in a field. Ask what facilities will be available? Toilets? Or is it squat behind a tree, and use a dock leaf?!!! Is there somewhere to go if it rains or becomes cold? This is the UK, you never know what the weather will be like. The answers might sway you either way! Take a fold-up chair, coat and a warm blanket in case it gets chilly. Ask your SIL what time they are planning on leaving. If it's later than you'd like, could you pre-book a taxi to take you home? If it ends up really not being your cup of tea, politely explain to your nephew that ordinarily you'd go to his birthday, if it had been a restaurant but you don't want to sit in a field, so you will be sitting this one out.

Why not go for 2 hours and pre book a taxi to take you home / to the train station? It will be nice to see family no? It sounds a bit like anxiety to me too.

I think making an effort is worth it. Some years ago, a beloved family member (aged 94) was invited to 2 parties on NYE and went to both.

She died a few months later and when (at 62) I feel old, grumpy, tired and not much like doing anything social, I tell myself to get over it, because I want to go to NYE parties when I'm 94.

do you like music and dancing?
i find if i am dancing and listening to music I dont have to talk - which is always a bonus

Thank you for your replies.

I do have anxiety but I don't get anxious about social situations, I just find that I don't care for parties like I used to do years ago.

I don't drive so I need to rely on public transport or lifts. There are hardly any buses where this field is so I will gladly accept a lift. If, for some reason, my brother and sister in law want to stay later I can and would book a taxi home.

I'm not trying to make it all about me at all for those who have indicated that. I realise its my nephew's birthday and up to him what he plans for it. I'm just saying it's not my cup of tea but I feel I ought to go with it being family.

Usually I don't let the weather stop me from doing things, I go out in rain, snow hail or blow, but sitting in a field in pouring down rain with no shelter isn't ideal for anyone. It's not like being in town or anywhere where you can dive into a shop or cafe for shelter.

No one seems to know the arrangements yet, I don't know if there will be a marquee or what we do about toilets, hot drinks etc. I just know that its a barbecue. I have no doubt that alcohol will be there. I might take my thermal mug with coffee in as I don't want to drink in the day time and I don't drink much now anyway.

I am 63, so not that old :)

All this talk of thermoses and toilet arrangements makes you sound a lot older!
Honestly, there's nothing to lose by showing your face and letting your nephew know that you care enough about him to do so.

You've said yourself that you can call a taxi to go home wherever you like, so you really aren't entering into a huge commitment or involvement.

As I said in an earlier post, I'm approaching 70 now, and family connections seem even more important. So I show up for their events and get togethers, even if my instinct and energy levels are trying to convince me to stay home. And so far I've never regretted attending any of if them.

i doubt anyone wants to stand in the rain op