Sex education for 9-10 year olds

[Ladyoftheapple]

Hello, I am just looking for opinions on this. My daughter is in year 5 at school and as part of their PSHE sessions, they will be talking about sex. At present, she does know what this is and I feel it is totally inappropriate at this age. We have been given the lesson plan and this includes teaching them that the penis goes into the vagina and ejaculates and also that sometimes this isn’t just to make a baby so contraception is needed. As part of this they will also be talking about boys and wet dreams. My daughter is quite a young 9 year old and I just do not understand the rush to tell them this! To be honest I’m quite annoyed and feel that this is something that shouldn’t be taught until the start of secondary school. Why is there a rush to take away their innocence these days 😳

If you are concerned you can withdraw your child at primary school from Sex Education but not from Relationship Education or Health Education. In secondary school however, it is mandatory. I would talk your concerns through with the school. At Y5 she does need some basic understanding and you may find this runs alongside a science topic with a similar but more biological content.

It's really important for kids to know this stuff before it actually starts happening to them. There will be girls starting periods at 10, starting to develop breasts etc, and boys who will be close to the wet dream stage. Kids do have sexual feelings and thoughts, even if they don't fully understand them. They have to know this stuff before it happens so they're not ashamed/scared/disgusted when it does.

As far as the mechanics of sex goes... what's 'innocence' got to do with this? Your child isn't going to be somehow defiled by learning some basic science. It's literally just biology. Reproduction is a human bodily process just like digestion or respiration or anything else. Your child is not somehow being ruined by learning about it. She will not be less of a child because she knows what ejaculation is. Most kids at that age think 'Urgh, gross' and have a giggle about it and that's that. Just as importantly, they will also be taught about consent and loving relationships. Would you rather your kid learnt about sex from being shown a hardcore porn clip on someone's phone? Because that's the alternative.

Keeping your child ignorant does not keep your child safe. Quite the opposite, in fact.

I'd add that this isn't new - we covered this stuff when I was at primary school at around this age, and I'm now approaching 50. If it wasn't a problem in the mid-1980s it really shouldn't be a problem now.

It might also help you to examine your own attitudes around sex, and why you connect language like “inappropriate” and “ loss of innocence” around knowing about it, because it’s likely that learning about the biology and fundamentals through school is going to leave DD with questions that she’d like answered and things she’s curious about - and these are the parts where having parents who can be open and honest about sex and talk about it without any suggestion of it being dirty or not to be spoken about is really important. Over the next few years talking with her about sex being pleasurable, about consent, about what a healthy relationship looks like, about how it’s also fine to want to have sex outside of a relationship is going to be crucial in forming her own adult sexuality.

We got lessons on puberty and sex in Biology at end of first year of high school. This was in Scotland in the 80s, so most of us started that year at age 12 and were 13 by then. What a waste of time. We all knew about sex, and most of the girls at least were well into puberty.

It's better to learn about these things in an age appropriate way, at the right time before they receive inaccurate or wrong info from other sources.

I recall the sex book though: the first page started "If a couple are married, and wish to have children..." before describing sex. We all thought this was hilariously insulting!

We had this when I was in Y5 and that was nearly 30 years ago.

Not understanding your body properly doesn’t make you “innocent”, it makes you misinformed.

There is no rush. She’s nearly 10? Most of the kids in the class will be 10.

And it’s not just “these days”. I was in year 5 in 2004 and I was taught all the above then.

If she is the one kid who doesn’t know this stuff, at best she’ll probably get laughed at for her naive understanding and at worst she’s more vulnerable to abuse.

Yes, sorry, I wasn't clear. I mean whether they're developmentally capable of understanding it, whatever their numerical age. As I said, my dd is ND and I know this potentially makes her even more vulnerable to abuse. In her case though, she's incredibly inquisitive and has sought out the answers she is capable of understanding. We've just had to be very specific about how we've explained things.

i am 50 and had this at primary school

no innocence was removed from me

my mum used to say if you’re old enough to ask you are old enough to be told so my daughter asked about how babies are made at around 6 and was told penis in vagina basics with casual nonchalance as if she’d asked me why snot come out her nose or where poo comes from

its basic knowledge on how her body works and will include abuse prevention and consent message

all good stuff and nothing to worry about

Its better they learn from adults than half truths on the playground.

Also families can look very different now. A proportion won't be living in family unit with siblings and both biological parents. The "when a daddy loves a mummy they have a special hug" thing doesn't really cut it anymore.

So did I, 30 years ago and in a quite strait-laced prep (i.e. private) school.

Why on earth does she not know these basic facts by 9 years old?

Loads of 9 year olds won't know.

I tried to teach DD (only child and no family nearby) the facts at that age and she just didn't want to know. I got age appropriate books from the library as well.

I suspect she will have heard stuff at school. As she wouldn't engage with me at all I left it up to the school.

DD was a very young 9 year old BTW and it was obvious she was nowhere near puberty. She started her periods at 13, as did I.

Don't confuse innocence with ignorance.

She will still be just as innocent armed with the facts.

You'd have kittens if your school was in a farming community! Where I work most know before they start school. My school is full of farm kids and so when kids come in telling me they slaughtered their bull the day before because he was 'firing blanks' and is now burgers you have to laugh! It is a fact of life for kids in the community to learn how baby animals are made.

Two examples of how children’s brains work:

A set of siblings came to me saying that the youngest would have blood soon because her underarms were stinky. It took a while to unpick because they’d be talking about it themselves and making connections and throwing in the odd bit of ‘knowledge’ that they’d made up. In lieu of facts and education, they started confusion and upset.

An 11 year old freaked out because “there’s blood coming out of my bum” and nobody had ever talked to her about periods. With no education, she was scared and horrified at her own body.

Children learn about the reproductive cycles of plants in year 3 and no eyebrows are raised. Reproduction is a biological function and it is necessary to understand - especially when children are so good at taking half-truths and making up the rest. It’s best to have scientific facts from actual teachers, believe me.

Teaching this in Y5 is more about safeguarding than anything else. It is literally to keep your child safe.
Be grateful that the school is doing some of the heavy lifting for you here, and all you need to do is the follow up questions etc!!

As everyone has already said, proper sex education is so important and is not inappropriate just uncomfortable to talk about.

My mother had ‘the talk’ with me many times, starting around 5 or 6 and used it to talk about other things like puberty, sexuality, avoiding abuse and eventually things like online safety and peer pressure. I was always the informed child, when I started my period early (8) I knew what was happening and didn’t panic, never felt the need to ‘come out’ because not being straight was just normal to me. I was also able to report the abuse a classmate described to me when I was 10. Was honestly her best move as a parent, explaining everything in an age appropriate age BEFORE I heard about it on the playground or experienced it myself.

I got taken out of sex ed by my mother at that age- it was so embarrassing, and my friends told me - in detail- what happened in the video anyway. Me and my sis were the only two in two full year groups who got removed from the class. I know it seems young but please don’t remove them as it opens them up to possible ostracising bullying etc.

i got my first period at 9 and I only knew what was happening because my friend started hers the week before.

What’s inappropriate about a 9 year old girl, who will soon be going through puberty and all that entails, knowing about biology? It’s entirely appropriate.

Get a decent, age appropriate book and read it with her. Page by page taking it as slow as she wants.
I did this with my girls and it was actually a nice experience for us... they also really thought about things and came back to me with interesting questions.
Not scary, not taking away their innocence.

An 11 year old freaked out because “there’s blood coming out of my bum” and nobody had ever talked to her about periods. With no education, she was scared and horrified at her own body.

I think parents who do not prepare their daughters are abusive! It's shameful this still happens in 2025.

We even tell the boys about periods! They need to know, they need to be respectful - and if needed helpful if their friend suddenly has her periods.

It starts from age 9 - occasionally younger.

There’s no way she’d get to secondary school without finding out what sex is. Would you rather she found out (probably less than reliable) information from kids at school or learnt proper, accurate facts from a trusted adult? By trying to keep it a secret from her or being uptight about it you’re turning it into something negative and scary, when she should be learning it’s something natural, not some big secret to be afraid of.

OP there is nothing shameful about talking about sex. It's just a part of life. I'm sure my children asked about how babies are made around this age and I just told them the basic facts. They weren't traumatised by it and it didn't take their innocence away. Much better that they learn it in school than inaccurate playground chatter. Have you talked to your daughter about periods? That's a good place to start.

They absolutely need to know how reproduction works at that age. Many kids start puberty then. Some of her classmates will be starting their periods. Of course it's not inappropriate.

Shielding your child from reality when she's nearing secondary age is not going to help her in any shape or form.

This is so true - my Auntie came from a strict Catholic family where nothing was discussed. When she started her periods she thought she was bleeding to death and was terrified 😢 I don't have daughters but my sons knew what periods were from an early age.

It baffles me when people say things like we tell kids too soon these days. I'm 40 and knew about all that before I got to secondary school.