DP and friend fall out - I’m in the middle and don’t know what to do

[SophRj]

I’ve been a bit of an idiot I think - but feel a bit upset at how this has played out.

In the early days when DP and I were together, we’d swap stories about drunken escapades when we were younger - holiday flings, silly behaviour etc. On one occasion he told me a story to which I replied to say my friend ‘R’ had done similar.

I’ve never repeated any of his tales, they were told in private, and he’d never relayed any of mine…until the weekend.

We were out with R and her husband, for dinner and drinks. I got a message when arriving home from R to say she didn’t appreciate me telling my DP about X story (in far stronger terms than that).

Basically, when we were all very young on a girls holiday she had gone off with a couple of blokes from a group we met. When we were out, she apparently brushed past DP’s leg and made a joke of it as you do. DP said something like ‘I know you have form for introducing someone else but I am sure you’d draw the line at your mates man’ and laughed.

DP says it was my fault for telling me in the first place and that he assumed it was common knowledge.

Am I right in feeling like DP should have known to keep his mouth shut?!

So he’s sexually harassed your friend, then?

Also, how long ago did you tell him? He’s obviously been giving it A LOT of thought over the years if that’s the first comment out his mouth.

He should not have said anything but neither should you.
Both you and DP are in the wrong.

And why are so many men incapable of not being gross when they hear anything sexual about a woman. Almost like her having a “wild” past gives him carte blanche to be sexually inappropriate.

They really are! I have a similar story and 3 people know. 2 women and 1 man. The women have never repeated it. I have had to pull up male friend on telling people.

But honestly your DP is really vile.

There is no context within which it was ok to share a story that was not yours to share.

Well unless you are speaking medically I have never done anything i dont want others to find out, he was gross but people share stories of things in their past whether it is worth partners or friends

So I have nothing to be ashamed of so dh can share what he likes seperate to him being gross that is

"As you do" is doing some heavy lifting there.

I would never, not ever, literally never infer that I'd like to had thought about fucking of my husband's friends as a joke.

He likes the idea that she had a threesome and has been thinking about it.

Even he was stupid enough to believe it was common knowledge what justifies him
bringing it up in a creepy disrespectful manner?

You've been a horrible friend to her. Why would you humiliate her by telling a man intimate details about her previous sexual encounters? Did she give permission for you to do that? Tell him about all the sex you had before you met him instead. Oh, would that make you feel uncomfortable?

I'd feel violated if I was your friend. I'd hate for a friend's boyfriend to know private things about me. I'd be so upset and never speak to the woman again.

Your boyfriend is a creep, ridiculing your friend with sexual comments. Sounds like you deserve each other! How would you feel if he's been telling all his creepy mates all about your sex life. I'm sure you won't mind them all laughing at you behind your back like you and your boyfriend were laughing at your friend behind her back.

Be a better person.

This is completely on your arsehole DP!!

Your partner is a creepy cunt.
You're not much better for sharing your friends business.

Sorry for typos. I tell my husband everything and everyone knows this, but he's not a creep who would make a sleazy comment like this.

Me too.

Your partner is a prick.

Why do you assume not wanting all and sundry to know everything about our personal lives means being ashamed?

And how have you given your partner permission to share your friend’s stories?

You aren't stuck in the middle, you are front and central. Sounds like your partner has been waiting for an opportunity to make a comment like this. All you can say is you've learned your lesson and see what she says. Don't tell people's private stuff to your partner, and check your own need to get off on other people's private lives.

@Nosuchthing2025
I tell my husband everything and everyone knows this, but he's not a creep who would make a sleazy comment like this
You tell your Dh ingo your friends have discussed with you? Even private stuff?
If yes, I'm glad im not your friend

That's bad, that would upset me too. You keep his secrets but tell him mine?! You need to stop telling him things about friends, if he's going to mention it to them.

In a similar vein - what made it ok for her to invade his personal space to the point where it was even vaguely contextual.

(but thats mens rights not women’s, so won’t get a mention).

The epitome of the internalised misogyny “pick me I’m a Good Girl” crap that should be left in the 1950s. Women can have a sexual history, ya know?

Perfect

I’m glad you’ve apologised. Not a great thing to do, telling your husband her business, but I don’t think it was done in malice, plus it is fairly easy to see why you thought you’d be ‘safe’ mentioning it to him, even though you oughtn’t have.
It’s so gross that he decided to say that to her, in front of her husband, and the fact he’s doubling down and thinking it’s funny(!!) that she’s so upset by it is awful. Says a lot about his attitude to women generally but also his attitude to you; this is a situation which has upset you and someone close to you and he’s laughing?! Dickhead.

Agree with pps- he's been saving up his oh-so-funny joke and was clearly on the lookout for any opportunity.

I think it should be possible for you to tell your partner things that seem harmless in context- but that only works if you have one who doesn't morph into a teenage boy/thigh-rubbing dirty old man at the drop of a hat.

So I'd be resolving to do two things in future: yes, to be more careful with my friends' privacy, but also to keep a watch on my partner's behaviour and decide if I want to keep putting up with it.

Why would you share your friends sexual experiences with your partner.
I don't blame your friend for being angry.

Surely she's fallen out with you? You shouldn't have told him, he should have kept it to himself.