DP and friend fall out - I’m in the middle and don’t know what to do

[SophRj]

I’ve been a bit of an idiot I think - but feel a bit upset at how this has played out.

In the early days when DP and I were together, we’d swap stories about drunken escapades when we were younger - holiday flings, silly behaviour etc. On one occasion he told me a story to which I replied to say my friend ‘R’ had done similar.

I’ve never repeated any of his tales, they were told in private, and he’d never relayed any of mine…until the weekend.

We were out with R and her husband, for dinner and drinks. I got a message when arriving home from R to say she didn’t appreciate me telling my DP about X story (in far stronger terms than that).

Basically, when we were all very young on a girls holiday she had gone off with a couple of blokes from a group we met. When we were out, she apparently brushed past DP’s leg and made a joke of it as you do. DP said something like ‘I know you have form for introducing someone else but I am sure you’d draw the line at your mates man’ and laughed.

DP says it was my fault for telling me in the first place and that he assumed it was common knowledge.

Am I right in feeling like DP should have known to keep his mouth shut?!

What a juvenile twat he is. He clearly just wanted to cause trouble between you and your friend.

You say you were swapping your stories but it wasn't yours was it? It was your friend's story. Unless I've misread.

So you told him your friend's story? You don't have the right to do that.

Talk about your own sexual history if you choose but not other people's.

Do you have kids with this bloke, OP?

Because if not, there's still time to extricate yourself from this unfunny neanderthal. You're not married.

He thinks it’s hilarious that you and your friend are both upset because of him? Why do you want to be with someone so mean spirited? He’s a dickhead mate.

Some stuff gets shared with partners and is very obviously not for repeating.

Other stuff gets shared and is actively labelled not for repeating.

Other stuff gets shared as a passing comment, and can seem like it’s reasonably common knowledge. And therefore not appear to be off limits for referring to.

The run up sounds like this landed with your partner as being teenage antics stories that would have been known by others at the time - and not off limits for future references to.

You kept your husband's confidence but not your best friends and now you are putting all the blame on your husband.He is an arsehole for mentioning what he knew but wouldn't have been able to do that if you had kept your mouth shut.

He knew he wasn't supposed to know, whatever he says, but misogynistic men will always reference a woman's sexual history as power move to shame them. Even if you give him the benefit of the doubt about his claim that he thought it was common knowledge (and I wouldn't) it demonstrates complete social ineptitude to think it was appropriate to mention it.

You both owe your friend a massive apology.

He's an ass - no more to it than that.

No wonder she was pissed off, that was so out of line of your husband to say that. What a pig.

If I was your friend I'd cut you free! I wouldn't trust you to keep private info private.
Your DH is a knob as well.
Birds of a feather, you two, neither can keep your mouths shut.

You’ve been a pretty shit friend here. Tell your husband all about your past if you wish, but you were out of order telling him about your friend’s. I would end a friendship over something like this, in face I have done so.

What was the point of you telling her story to him, and if his bringing it up to her?
Do you think he thinks 'whayhey!! I'm clearly in with her if I offer it'?!

I think it's a genuine cock up/misunderstanding. No one is to blame. You didn't mean any harm by telling him while he didn't know it was a touchy subject.

In other news, your husband's response to the leg brush was pretty sleazy.

Ideally you shouldn’t have told him. But he absolutely shouldn’t have said anything, and his way of saying it makes home sound pretty grim. Him laughing now confirms that he is a total dick.

Your DH is a sleaze and he's not a bit sorry, just think it's funny. If I was your friend I'd end contact with both of you.

He's perved on your friend OP. You probably should focus on the fact he finds it funny.

He needs to apologise to her and so do you . That was so unnecessary of you to tell him .

He's gross, what a sexist arsehole

think it's a genuine cock up/misunderstanding. No one is to blame. You didn't mean any harm by telling him while he didn't know it was a touchy subject.

Of course there is someone to blame.
In the first instance it is the OP for opening her big trap. I'm sure she wouldn't want other people to know her sexual shannanigans.

Of course the boyfriend knew what he was doing. He hasn't fallen off the cabbage truck, he knew its something that wouldn't ( and shouldn't have )been broadcast but he chose to bring it up in front of the friends dh. What was that about, to let the husband know that he knows a secret about his wife? to humiliate the husband in some way, embarrass the friend or mock her? He is still finding it funny so that shows he had intent to stir the pot instead of cringing that he had spoken out of turn.

Both op and the bf are a pair of arseholes for doing that to a friend.

Wow, he sounds an absolute Prince... 🙄

Yes of course he should have kept his mouth shut but you absolutely shouldn't have shared this information with him in the first place. Every woman knows that men love to use sexual encounters by women as a tool to make them feel like they should be ashamed.

Nasty and stupid are cousins or at least closely related and I believe he is one or the other or possibly both.
Either way, I can't bear embarrassing partners who can't be trusted out in public not to humiliate me.

Ew he sounds like one of those creepy men that just can't fucking wait to turn everything into sexual bantz. Gross. Him thinking it's funny he threw a grenade in your friendship so he could enjoy his sexual bantz is disgusting too.

Your husband has made a sexualised comment to your friend. This isn't just about your breach of confidence. He's displayed the misogynistic idea that a woman's sexual history can be used / commented against her years later.
It's also an indication that he's given the scenario of your friend's sex experience some thought. It clearly was on his mind and the leg brush led to his unguarded comment.
He's humiliated your friend and she may have felt creeped upon. Unsure where it leaves your friendship, but she'd be well within her rights to not want to see your husband again.

Ew, even if it WAS public knowledge, thats deeply inappropriate from him

Dh knows the story of the time I apparently missed the signals that a three way was on offer. It is absolutely a story that one or 2 other people know and er have definitely laughed about it with the couple whose party it was at. Nonetheless, if these dh of that couple.saif something to me like, "no no, I'm not suggesting a three way, I know how you can misread signals" it would he hugely inappropriate and offensive.

Your husband is a creep and sleazy. You are not a good friend. You betrayed a confidence.

This. You're both in the wrong. You owe your friend a heartfelt apology for breaching her trust, your DP owes one for being inappropriate