Resentment after baby

[WheelsOffTheBus1989]

Had a baby 11 months ago. Just went back to work. I know work is meant to help but I'm just more tired and have less time. I can't stop resenting my DH. How enormously my life has changed and how little his has. He's actually a lot better than most dads around but that's a pretty low bar tbh. Things are starting to level and after many, many arguments, and baby starting to be less dependant on me, we are starting to get closer to some fairness, truly. We also have more paid help so he's not actually doing a lot more but whatever, I have less to do.

I just can't let go of the resentment. It's like I'm about to get out of the trenches and I look at how useless he's been at times and I can’t forgive him.

That's his biggest fault. He can be amazing for a while, then he gets bored, then comes back around and I'm supposed to be grateful for it.

Like, he went on a holiday when baby was at a really difficult stage. He was amazing in the run up and amazing afterwards. Couldn't do more. But wtf leaving me with a non-sleeping baby for a week? I begged him not to go. He did. He also volunteered for a 2 weeks work trip when baby was a newborn. He cut short his paternity leave to leave me with a screaming tiny colicky baby. My parents came over to help but really, i needed my husband.

One morning, when I had just gone back to work and still doing everything for baby, he was standing in the kitchen, watching me prep my pumping parts, baby's food and bottles for the day and lecturing me about how I should take 15 minutes in the morning to exercise. How he's started doing it and feels amazing. I looked him dead in the eye and said "I would, but then who feeds this child??". He just went quiet. Didn't take over meal prep or anything.

He says I expect perfection and I should let it go. But he doesn't get that I don't get to fail. He drops the ball, I have to pick up the pieces. Is this motherhood? Because if it is, I hate it.

I have heard this before, but it hasn't been my experience at all. I've known plenty of single men (family friends), keen on having children, who were looking to settle down, and upset that the women they met on dating apps, weren't interested in starting a family.

Also gay (male male) couples, desperate to adopt.

I know two couples, where the men would like a 2nd child, but the woman is adamant she doesn't want another...

These are all pretty nice, "normal" men, with average lives. I know this is just a small sample, of people I happen to know. Still though, to say "most men don't want children", has always struck me as a bit of a sweeping statement.

What was your relationship like before junior was planned, did you have similar issues where you were doing most of the work or were things fairly balanced & you were both happy? I'm not saying your child coming along is the problem, it's how your relationship worked before - has he checked out? Some men think that when children come along they become the child also & you become their mum as well as your child's mum.

Wow, your bar really is low. None of this is remotely normal or acceptable. I'd ltb, and I don't say that lightly. You'd still be carrying the load but at least you wouldn't have that useless prick to look after as well.

(Our DC are 12 and 9. We were always equal parents, and in fact now that I've got cancer he does loads more than me without question or complaint.)

I recommend you read the book ‘How not to hate your husband after kids’ by Janice Dunn.

No it's really not how it's supposed to be. And when women talk about this low bar, and say how shit men are, they are just letting them get away with it and making you think it's normal. He went on holiday when you had a newborn, he cut short his paternity. That is such arsehole behaviour and there is no coming back from that. The resentment won't go away because he fucked off when you needed him most, then it obviously affected how he bonded with the baby as he is not stepping up now. Do you enjoy going back to work? Does he earn more? Can he take an extra day off to look after the baby? You need to leave him to it. Designate him a day and everything is on him. He will be forced to learn all this stuff because he has to. I breast fed so our baby needed me more, they just do need their Mum's more, but my partner took 6 weeks off when he was born and that bonding makes a massive difference. He has developed all his own settling techniques, meals when he has the baby, and activities. Some of it is letting go and letting them fail. I think you definitely need a couples therapist so you can bring up the fact he abandoned you. You can do it online of you ont want to travel there.

@WheelsOffTheBus1989

No - it's not motherhood - it's having a selfish, shitty partner!! HE'S your problem - not motherhood. 🤷‍♀️

Hi OP,

I think when you are the help and don’t feel the responsibility is on you then you often drop things / don’t see the task (like the laundry example), and yes you create another task for you to nag them to do stuff.
In your situation I would try to explain this to my husband - and propose that for a period he is responsible for everything. Write out a list, include managing the nanny and whatever other outsourced tasks you have. I’d go with a month. After this you could then split the tasks to each take primary responsibility for some. I think this will help him realise just what you do and why you feel the resentment you do. Maybe even go on a two week holiday in the middle of this period alone :-). Obviously he can refuse, the response to this is - I did it for 11 months and I’m not prepared to continue for the next 17 years so what do you propose instead?

In fact, upon reflection if he refused I think I’d take myself on holiday for 2 weeks at short notice. Make him realise what he did to you when baby was born

I do feel like lots of break ups can be linked to how much support a partner gets when they’ve had a baby.

This resentment will build if you don’t confront him over this. You’ll end up doing everything and then sitting back one day thinking “ I do everything anyway, might as well do it alone.”.

i feel like I could have written this myself. I had an emergency c section and a screaming colicky baby, partner buggered off out to get drunk when baby was 4 weeks old, went on two 3 day stag dos before baby was 12 weeks old, left me with mastitis and a fever so he could once again go out with his mates, these are just a few examples. I’ve done all night feeds and everything else in between and I was also working through out all of this,
ive had therapy but I don’t think I will ever be able to let go of the hurt, anger and resentment