Resentment after baby

[WheelsOffTheBus1989]

Had a baby 11 months ago. Just went back to work. I know work is meant to help but I'm just more tired and have less time. I can't stop resenting my DH. How enormously my life has changed and how little his has. He's actually a lot better than most dads around but that's a pretty low bar tbh. Things are starting to level and after many, many arguments, and baby starting to be less dependant on me, we are starting to get closer to some fairness, truly. We also have more paid help so he's not actually doing a lot more but whatever, I have less to do.

I just can't let go of the resentment. It's like I'm about to get out of the trenches and I look at how useless he's been at times and I can’t forgive him.

That's his biggest fault. He can be amazing for a while, then he gets bored, then comes back around and I'm supposed to be grateful for it.

Like, he went on a holiday when baby was at a really difficult stage. He was amazing in the run up and amazing afterwards. Couldn't do more. But wtf leaving me with a non-sleeping baby for a week? I begged him not to go. He did. He also volunteered for a 2 weeks work trip when baby was a newborn. He cut short his paternity leave to leave me with a screaming tiny colicky baby. My parents came over to help but really, i needed my husband.

One morning, when I had just gone back to work and still doing everything for baby, he was standing in the kitchen, watching me prep my pumping parts, baby's food and bottles for the day and lecturing me about how I should take 15 minutes in the morning to exercise. How he's started doing it and feels amazing. I looked him dead in the eye and said "I would, but then who feeds this child??". He just went quiet. Didn't take over meal prep or anything.

He says I expect perfection and I should let it go. But he doesn't get that I don't get to fail. He drops the ball, I have to pick up the pieces. Is this motherhood? Because if it is, I hate it.

This
Your resentment is corrosive and will destroy you and your relationship
Important to recognise that having a baby is a life changing event in all relationships and rightly or wrongly, the impact is far greater for the woman.
You have support with a nanny which many people don't.
You need to claim some time for yourself and work on letting go of the resentment

I've actually made a decision to never have children with my DH when our dog got sick. He was still a puppy and terribly ill, he almost died. I was the one running around, changing towels, washing poo out of his fur, getting hot water bottles, trying to get him to drink, googling symptoms at 3 am while he burned with fever and cried and my DH was... There. Present. Waiting for me to tell him what to do and how to do it. Often just getting in the way. There was this one night which was really awful, the pup barely scraped through, and my DH slept through it (he just fell asleep on the sofa and couldn't be woken up, taking up space I actually needed). That night, it became clear to me that having a child with him would be exactly the same and I noped out. I love him, but the resentment is still there, I can't imagine how bad it would become if we had a child.
I don't have any advice for you OP, in the end it all comes down to whether you wish to stay with him or not.

You sound like I was as a new mother. The bit about him trying and then getting bored really resonates. Ultimately, I lost respect for mine (lots of different reasons) and we’re currently in the middle of a horrendous divorce. I suggest couples counselling and getting your ducks in a row.

You saying he pays for help now but it's only he who gets the benefits of that. Uou sound like you are protecting him and still not gacing reality.

If you want more equality you have to leave baby with him and go away for a weekend or similar..and ket him take responsibility. And keep repeating in different ways..it doesn't always have to mean going away but it does mean having to give him the baby to take care of, and walking away. Only way.

OP, he is a selfish arsehole.
For goodness sake stop stressing and gaslighting yourself, it will only make you feel worse.

He absolutely let you down when you were vulnerable.
Went on holiday, volunteered for a trip?
Ffs, he's an arsehole.

Don't ever have another with him.
He really can't be trusted.

Do you want to be with him, knowing what a selfish arsehole he really is, is the question you need to figure out?

My buddy married one like that 25 years ago.
Had one daughter and when asked about a sibling by his aunt at a family wedding, she said absolutely not, he was utterly useless and I couldn't risk it. Her MIL was appalled and mortified, as was he.
She was unapologetic.

They limped on for 5 years but despite being a psychiatrist herself, she couldn't/didn't want to move on.
They divorced but co parent very well all these years.

You can't change the past.
You need to decide can you forgive and move on.
If he was genuinely remorseful maybe.
Unfortunately he sounds like a selfish arse that is unlikely to change and that will stop you truly forgiving.

Sadly I believe the vast majority of men are fundamentally selfish and will put themselves first in this situation.
They only step up partially because the women are so repulsed by them it shakes them up to cop on as divorce looms.
Stop beating yourself up for your perfectly reasonable disgust.

We have a shared calendar and a shared to do list on our phones.

Most days at some point we have a quick check of who needs to do what, who can’t do what etc. we both work and there’s no assumption that anything will magically get done.

It took some work to get to this point, particularly after both maternity leaves as we adjusted to me no longer being at home every day.

I always cook and he always does the hoovering and dusting/polishing…. everything else is shared.

Perhaps shared lists etc would help? It stops some assumptions being made if well used.

I think I'd struggle to get past my husband volunteering for a work trip whilst on paternity peavey (unless it was going to lead to a promotion or something that was pretty life changing and would benefit the family more in the long run). How can anyone come to terms with being let down at their most vulnerable point in their whole life? Without their partner at least acknowledging it, regretting it, and trying their best to put it right. It sounds like he has an 'it's in the past attitude about it

Do you want to have a baby though? If you do, don’t let a useless husband get in the way of that. If you’re under 40, ditch him and go in search of a more equal partner, or go it alone with a donor.

@WheelsOffTheBus1989 what do you want to happen. Let’s start there what if anything would cause the anger to go away?

You're not being a bitch. It's completely unfair. I still haven't forgiven my husband for similar behaviour 7 years ago. It still enrages me when I think about it. I had a business at the time and would be up until 2am sometimes with the baby asleep on me while I worked. The baby slept in 20 minute bursts through the night and would only sleep on my chest. He would finally settle in time for my husband to go to work and my toddler to get up. He once told me his sister got up at 6am so she could have a shower before her kids got up and I should do the same 🫠 I told him that I would just get up before I go to bed, that would sort it.
We're generally good now but I honestly don't know how you can get over the absolute shittiness of the early days. Godspeed my friend.

Same here x

No, HE needs to work on being a father and taking some responsibility.

I’m not sure why the OP should stop being resentful of a man who refuses to step up and become a father. You know one that knows what the baby’s routine is. One that cleans the breast pump parts etc etc etc….

If somethimg is destroying the marriage just now, it’s the attitude if this man. One that is still doing nothing for his dwife or his child.

What to tell you OP.

If I listed everything my DP does it would be a lot - genuinely. It’s also not truly 50/50 and honestly I don’t know anyone who has that -except on MN.

For myself I feel he does a lot and I have a zero tolerance policy on wilful helplessness, so nipped that in the bud, but there are some things I just do myself because it literally doesn’t work otherwise.

I’m waiting for comments of I’m an enabler and if I only did and said X. I’m the high earner of us and have no issue telling men. I am not financially tied in any way. My lived experience is 12+ years parenting later and I’m yet to meet any females who have true 50/50.

To add: I think you do have a DH problem. I’m not suggesting dropping your standards - at all - just answering is this what motherhood is like. Sort of yes, but not as extreme as your case.

OP, my ex was worse than yours, steadfastly refused to change anything other than a wet nappy, never got up at night, didn't think about ds' food, basically did nothing child-related

Then I was offered a well paid job in my hometown. There was no reason to say no, ex wasn't home during the week, so I rented a little flat, found a lovely child minder, and ds & I moved out during the week.

Then it became clear life was soooo much easier without ex around at all, that we just never went back.

Think hard about what you want long term. You need to deal with your resentment or your relationship will wither. I chose to allow that. Is that what you want?

Must be very common OP given divorce rates and (I think! Correct me if I’m wrong!) the stats about how divorce is even more common with a young child.

I have a good husband who’s a great dad too but there were definitely some moments for me that were nearly the straw that broke the camel’s back. I found telling him cathartic.

I have an XH now because of his behaviour with a new baby and ill relatives. I couldn't get past the resentment. I also stopped at one because its far more manageable to continue my career.

You’ve got the ick
there’s no coming back from that, I think you’re scraping the barrel for some vaguely positive points he has but I’d just focus my energy on leaving
What was he like towards your pre dc?

You could look at online therapy rather than in person if just for you? Sounds more like couples therapy might be more helpful if you can get him to join you though.

The majority of men do not want children. They only agree to have them because it's what the woman wants! If you have a child, then expect to carry out the heavy lifting!

A nanny for one child? And you are complaining? I think you are in a highly fortunate situation and should thank your good fortune. Not many people are so lucky with several more children and they probably don't whinge and complain half as much as you are doing now!

There are 2 things here

1. He hasn’t been able to empathise with the toll having a kid has taken on you.
2. You have lost respect for him and are exhausted so have lost the ability to communicate in a way that he fully understands so he can be consistent.

He is very comfortable putting his needs first. Maybe you should practice the same whilst getting some professional support x

This is horribly commonplace. Men never really grow up, do they? The ones that do are like hens' teeth

Is this motherhood?

It sounds similar to my experience of early motherhood certainly.

I don’t think my DH was quite as bad, he certainly never would have cut his paternity leave short for a voluntary work trip nor left me for a week when she was a baby. He did an awful lot more than most dads I know, but still an awful, awful lot less than me. And the resentment was indeed overwhelming at times. Even if he had been perfect, the resentment for how fundamentally my life had been change and the physical, emotional, mental health, career impacts that hit me and not him would have been there I think.

I wish I could give advice on how we got through it, gritted teeth I guess. There was a lot of telling myself ‘well I’m not going anywhere and neither is he so better just get on with it then’.

He did just suddenly get good at a lot of the stuff he wasn’t before. I co-slept with DD because it genuinely was the only way anyone got any sleep. By the time we finally moved away from that at 2.5!! I think it finally dawned on him how much the broken sleep had drained me. She still doesn’t sleep through, but if there’s someone who gets up to her now it’s him more often than it’s me. I’d say he does a very fair share now of the hands on child care and also housework stuff (fair based on working hours, so I’m still slightly more but I do work fewer hours). I can, and fairly often do, leave him to it to go out, have been away with friends and with work etc.

Recognising the areas where he actually brings more to the parenting table than me is quite helpful too - I think overall I’m still doing the most but he is far more patient and willing to engage in her endless imaginary games for example, or he’ll be the first to suggest taking her off to the park in wellies on a rainy Saturday to ‘give mummy an hour’s peace’.

Is all the ‘mental load’ stuff still me? Yep pretty much - that’s the ongoing battle but I’m not sure it’s one I’m going to win.

I don’t know if your husband will eventually step up in the same way - or ideally more so. I hope so.

Would really laying out everything like in the FairPlay method (is it a book/ app I’m not sure, I see the woman talking on TikTok a lot though and always mean to look into it more!) help - I think the idea is it goes through every little task and who does them and how often so you can deal in facts and make adjustments from there, rather than just a feeling that one is doing more or not doing their share consistently enough. Then if it’s all down on paper what he is responsible for he can’t just get bored and give up? https://www.fairplaylife.com

No advice but here to say I completely feel this too right now. I'm in a very similar situation...baby is just over 5 months and I've done every bedtime, night waking, morning, I breastfeed but baby will take a bottle (he's given her one on about 3 occasions), nappy change, bath/dressing etc. as well as keeping the house running. Partner is reluctant to look after the baby alone so I end up taking her everywhere. She's currently waking frequently overnight again and I'm exhausted. I haven't had an uninterrupted nights sleep since shes been born, partner sleeps in another room due to work but no offer of overnight support on days off! Hoping somewhere along the line things will get better.

I think the fact that both parents usually have to be at work, makes it harder in some ways - it's an old trope now, that women are supposed to work like they're not a parent, and parent like they don't work. I've also felt resentful of my partner at times, as I feel there are things that will get missed with the children if I don't do them, and I care too much about them to "just let him get on with it". But there's no way I we could afford for me to not work (or both of us work PT), so I find that a pressure too, which adds to the stress.

If it makes you feel any better, I really do think it improves as the children get older. Maybe particularly if your child is interested in more of the same stuff as your husband. That is to say, now our boys are 3 and 5, they love going out on the bikes with their dad (I loathe cycling), or learning their letters / numbers with him (I find teaching them phonics quite dull). I think from around a year, or particularly 2, looking after a child can be less intense. Make sure you grab some of the time, to carve out a period for yourself regularly. In our house, dad takes them weekend mornings, just so I can sleep! Only until 9ish, but I feel like it's real "me" time. Friday nights me and OH have a glass of wine together and play board games (which would have been unimaginable two years ago), and I go out with a friend for dinner / drinks about once a month. Just little snatches of time, but they make a difference. Don't let your DH hog all your household budget of excess time!! Because there's no way it won't lead to resentment!