Resentment after baby

[WheelsOffTheBus1989]

Had a baby 11 months ago. Just went back to work. I know work is meant to help but I'm just more tired and have less time. I can't stop resenting my DH. How enormously my life has changed and how little his has. He's actually a lot better than most dads around but that's a pretty low bar tbh. Things are starting to level and after many, many arguments, and baby starting to be less dependant on me, we are starting to get closer to some fairness, truly. We also have more paid help so he's not actually doing a lot more but whatever, I have less to do.

I just can't let go of the resentment. It's like I'm about to get out of the trenches and I look at how useless he's been at times and I can’t forgive him.

That's his biggest fault. He can be amazing for a while, then he gets bored, then comes back around and I'm supposed to be grateful for it.

Like, he went on a holiday when baby was at a really difficult stage. He was amazing in the run up and amazing afterwards. Couldn't do more. But wtf leaving me with a non-sleeping baby for a week? I begged him not to go. He did. He also volunteered for a 2 weeks work trip when baby was a newborn. He cut short his paternity leave to leave me with a screaming tiny colicky baby. My parents came over to help but really, i needed my husband.

One morning, when I had just gone back to work and still doing everything for baby, he was standing in the kitchen, watching me prep my pumping parts, baby's food and bottles for the day and lecturing me about how I should take 15 minutes in the morning to exercise. How he's started doing it and feels amazing. I looked him dead in the eye and said "I would, but then who feeds this child??". He just went quiet. Didn't take over meal prep or anything.

He says I expect perfection and I should let it go. But he doesn't get that I don't get to fail. He drops the ball, I have to pick up the pieces. Is this motherhood? Because if it is, I hate it.

@pimplebum well yeah, I've thought of therapy. But that just confirms that this is my problem, not his.

Plus where am I going to find 2/3 hours in the week for therapy? 50 minute session, 30 minutes there, 30 minutes back, plus waiting time. I don't have that kind of time. Just adding more to my plate.

Eugh I hate the tell him. You shouldn’t need to tell him. Dh does this what do you need me to do? Me personally nothing. But the bin clearly needs taking out, the washing up needs doing and the washing sorting. Pick one you can see it with your own eyes you don’t need me to tell you.

Dh however was good with the children as babies. He did 100% of all night feeds and wakings despite being at work and me being a sahm he saw the time form when he got home as his time to be with and bond.

If you don’t want to be unhappy and stressed, maybe stop at 1 child if your husband is this useless?

I can relate to this. My H was crap (had many excuses) but him going away for a weekend when I was seriously ill and leaving me with DS who was about 8/9. I wasn’t competent to look after him but H went anyway. And he has form for doing similar (ie buggering off when his own mother was seriously ill).

only advice is don’t have any more kids. It’s much more doable to do everything and work if you’ve just got the one!

I honestly can’t believe how many posts like that I see on here. Paragraph after paragraph describing the most diabolically unsupportive and even abusive behaviour followed by “currently 7 months pregnant with our second”. Every. Time. 🤦‍♀️

So he is now a much better father and partner?
Well you have a choice to make. You can't go back and change things so you either let it go and concentrate on now and the future or you leave him. You can't stay in a mood over something neither of you can change. He can only do better moving forwards, he can't go back and do things differently.
Not saying what he did was right (or wrong). But that was then and this is now.
And make sure you are on watertight contraception.

I don't understand why it would confirm that it's your problem?

I do understand about finding the time though. It's just one more thing on your list! I do think it might help though.

@Crushed23 who says I'm thinking about a second child or that would even be possible?

@Mightyhike well it would just confirm that I have an attitude that I need to work on. Rather than him being the cause of it. It would feel like taking 100% of the blame. Although I guess, I do also have an attitude problem. FML.

It’s not unheard of for a married woman in her mid-30s to have sex with her husband. As PP said, watertight contraception needed. Best of luck.

I just wanted to say I sympathise.
My H is great with the kids and does lots with them (he works his own schedule and I levae the house at 7am back at 7pm) but he does nothing in the house! We've had countless conversations! Charts went up the kitchen wall with chores divided up (that HE picked his own), nothing works.
I'm stuck with everything house-related, finances, reading/homeworks, school schedules, holidays, ad-hoc childcare booking, appointments... He does take DC to most of the appointments but then he need reminders (the week before, the day before, an hour before!).
Resentment is horrible but very real.
I hope someone has the magic solution in this thread for us!

I'm sorry things have been so hard.
He doesn't sound like he has pulled his weight at all, the fact that he is a man is no excuse.
He wants to move on and for you to let things go - of course he does. That works massively in his favour.
You're annoyed and resentful because he let you down when we needed him.most. it's not up to him to dictate when you move on from that.

DO NOT have another baby either this man.
Just don’t.

I don't think therapy would be about making it your problem, it's more that you could find the input from a neutral party helpful to identify what exactly your issues are with him and his behaviour, whether you could get past it and what he would need to do to allow you to do that. You might come to the conclusion there's nothing he could do, but at least you'd be confident you made the right decision.

I do sympathise, I had some similar behaviour when my kids were young, although he has apologised and says he regrets it now.

I don’t think you have an attitude problem. I do think therapy might help you decide whether to stay or go. But I totally get why you’d think, why the FUCK should I spend more of my time, energy and money trying to find a way to feel better about having a selfish dick of a spouse? Why does every potential solution to this mean I need to do more work?

I don’t actually think any of this is okay. I would have divorced my dh if he had gone on holiday in the early days. I don’t think it is something you should ‘get over’ he has let you down so badly when you needed him most, does he understand that?

Has he acknowledged his failings and truly apologised? Has he done anything to repair the situation?

Without the above, all the therapy in the world won’t change the fact he is a major disappointment, and given he has breached your trust and confidence in him to be there for you. The onus is very much on him to fix this, not you.

Listen to Terry Real about relationship therapy.
its your DH who needs the therapy as he’s failing as a DH and DF. He’s botching up his closest relationship with selfishness. Thats something he has to change himself. Manipulative men use therapy to manipulate as well Often in therapy the approach is a 50:50 % focus on effort whereas the reason for being there is its 95:5 effort discrepancy so he has to improve and when he does your resentment issues will naturally resolve as they’re a response to unfairness.

You've realised that he is fundamentally selfish and will always put himself above you and his child, when it comes down to it. I wouldn't even be trying to move past it but lots of women bury it down, have another kid or two, and this is their life.

I'll give a different (sort of) perspective
As there is a child involved I think it's worth at least trying to resolve things. That will be impossible without a complete and meaningful apology backed up with more thoughtful behaviour. He may be helped to get to this position through marriage counselling. He shouldn't need it. You shouldn't have to be sorting this out. However your anger will not magically disappear if you get divorced. It may increase and your child may be stuck in the middle. This is all on him. However I think you are likely to feel better about any break up if you've at least tried one last time to get him to step up. Good luck OP.

I think we can all agree that OP’s DH needs to apologise and do better and the onus is on him to fix things - but unless he can actually be arsed to do this, OP is stuck either trying to persuade him of the necessity of changing his behaviour (which is soul crushing and generally gets you nowhere) or leaving a marriage with a young baby. Which it is easy to tell someone to do, but not exactly a quick and easy decision to make and set in motion.

Nail on head! I had this experience, realised after 18 months that it wasn’t going to improve (no matter what I said or did) and left. Not easy, but charting your own path is so much better than the ongoing disappointment/resentment.

Nah.
That’s not what counselling did for me.
It helped me understand and put into words exactly what and why I was getting resentful
It helped me out boundaries up and be much more assertive than I was in telling he either had to shape up or he’d be in his own.
It’s not making you the problem. It’s learning how to best handle it.

Because let’s be honest here. Yes you have less to do because you now have help. But he hasn’t stepped up. His life hasn’t changed. He is still not taking any responsibility. No wonder you’re deeply resentful ‘despite things being better’. Because the real issue is- the fact he isn’t stepping up. That he is selfish and not thinking if anyone else but him - is still the same. And you haven’t addressed that with him at all. Yet(?)

Sounds like he hasn’t got any better, you just pay someone to pick up his slack.

Id leave him on his own with the baby once you’ve finished breastfeeding. Go and have a week to yourself once a month until he starts to realise he’s been a complete shitbag

I agree.
It is as if they know that having a baby inthe family isn't going to affect their lifestyle and what they want to do at all.
Because tjey're not going to let it - they've got a female, after all.
My ex was an ass ant it took three affairs before I dumped him. But if he had goneboff on a jolisay with mates while yje baby was newborn, he would not have been coming back.
Thus guy has shown he is an inconsiderate ass. No wonder the OP can't forgive and forget.

I had similar issues after our first child. We ended up doing a short round of marriage counselling. It did help me work through my resentments and we were able to reset.

The good news is, when we were planning on trying for a second child, I was able to have open and honest conversations about what I wanted to be different the second time around and it was so much better as a result. My dh was much more proactive and supportive and it felt like we were a real team.

Letting go of the resentment is the key, just also the challenge. Counselling could help, or perhaps trying to have some calm conversations where you each get to talk and listen - with the aim being to grow and learn from things.