To think these comments from my mum are slightly racist and unnecessary

[ColaPineapple]

I have 3 sons, all early 20s and all in lovely relationships. All of my son’s GFs are foreign, Ukrainian, Italian and German. All of them are lovely women, intelligent, resilient, kind etc.

My mum is a very difficult woman and lately she has been making lots of comments, some examples include
~You have to wonder what’s wrong with them that they can’t get British women
~Silly boys blinded by exoticness
~Hope he knows she’s just looking for a passport (in reference to the Ukrainian)
~I wouldn’t be surprised if she has a boyfriend back home and she’s just using DS as a wallet
~I bet she makes him food then throws the plate at his head (about the italian)
~She has lots of opinions doesn’t she, all the Italians I know are loud “gobby” people, at least she’s very pretty I suppose
~Ah so he is the submissive one in the relationship (about the German)
~Gosh a German! She will suck the fun out of his life

Now if you haven’t noticed these are lazy stereotypes, she hasn’t taken any time to get to know them despite them all being in these relationships for at least a year now.

AIBU to stop inviting my mum to any dinners with my sons and their GFs as she is clearly bigoted and unable to get to know them as people. I don’t want to subject these women who are now a part of our family to her xenophobic views!

What a ghastly woman. As you say, lazy stereotypes, but also so negative generally about the GFs. Definitely dont invite her unless you have a stern word beforehand, and if she crosses your line, that's it - no more. What do your DSs think about it? or do they know what her views are? I'd avoid subjecting the GFs to her.

That s a different generation I suppose . Just ask her to keep these types of opinions to herself and make her aware that such comments can be offensive . I don’t think you can change her mind if she is like that. :( ps. I am Italian and found her comment on Italians utterly hilarious . I don’t mean to be rude :)

That s a different generation I suppose

No, it's not "a different generation" (why are you countering one lazy stereotype with another?), it's an unpleasant person of any age.

OP, I'd tell your mother to keep her nasty xenophobic thoughts to herself.

Agree with PP you can’t make older generation change. You just have to tell them it’s not acceptable to voice these opinions and need to keep them inside their own heads

My mum would have been nearly 100 now if she was still alive and she would never have behaved like this!

A nasty twat is a nasty twat regardless of their age

Slightly racist ?

I would protect my sons and their partners from your mum and if they have children then I’d do the same for them.

It’s not acceptable because of her age- most people her age can see the person past the passport. How would she feel if her grandsons were facing lazy stereotypes from his ILs?

Well all of our ancestors were attracted to the new, exotic 'foreigners ' at one point, unless you are of the tiny, rare group, who share DNA with the original Brits. Do you have dark brown skin and blue/green eyes? I always try to get people to see how ridiculous they are being. To the pp who thinks it's her generation, I'm nearly 60 and you wouldn't have heard my mum, or GM come out with this. Going back, people in cities and agricultural/craft areas, moved for work and accepted incomers. Shut her down completely, if you can't get her to reason it out. People's traits get worse as they age and no-one should be subjected to this.

I understand what you are saying . My mum is above 80 and loves my husband who is from Africa (certainly different culture from hers), but then again many people are like that, stuck in their ways, the more so if they lived most of their life in a primarily uniform , white society. It was a different society with different views. One needs compassion and understand their limits.

Yes these are absolutely horrible and also plain weird things to say!

What does she say when you tell her these comments aren't acceptable?

Technically it's xenophobic not racist but either way, you're right, she's fully out of order saying that about them.

SLIGHTLY racist? No not slightly absolutely insanely racist with neon lights flashing. I am tired of hearing 'ah thats just their generation'. You do not blame age and the year you were born on being ignorant. Vile woman, do not have her around anymore.

It’s not ‘slightly’ racist, it’s very racist. She sounds utterly vile and frankly I hope your sons stop having anything to do with her.

Slightly racist? You’ve got to be kidding?!

No, we really don’t.

My mother is 80. Not only she would never, ever talk about people like that, but if someone else talked about people like this she’d give them a telling off for it.

Come to think of it, my grandparents didn’t hold attitudes like that, and they were born in the 1910s.

Not sure it's generational. My mum is 86 and is very pro foreigners and immigration.

I don’t think you should treat it with a sledge hammer approach unless there are other wider issues with her behaviour - I’d try to talk about whether she’s worried they will go and live overseas - then if she says no you can say about the derogatory comments and why you asked and what you’d prefer - then maybe put a boundary about dinner etc

I used to work for Italians and spent time in Italy and I totally disagree with her stereotyping of them. What she calls "gobby" I call "expressive" especially when compared to us more reserved British people. All Italians are foodies, they take food very seriously and as a consequence Italian food is delicious. But I have never witnessed an Italian throwing a plate. To me she sounds petty- minded, ridiculous and rude.

She’s xenophobic (fear, hatred, or hostility toward foreigners from different countries or cultures) rather than racist (prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism against people based on race or ethnicity).

Both are absolutely not acceptable.

Was she like this when you are growing up? Is it misogynistic? If you had daughters - would these comments be made about their boyfriends?

Shes unlikely to change. I wouldn’t tolerate this behaviour, therefore she wouldn’t be invited.

No. My grandparents, born over a century ago, wouldn’t have made such comments and would have pulled up anyone who did.

It wouldn't surprise me if she found things to complain about if the girlfriends were white/British. It'd be tattoos, lip filler, "wrong" occupation, blue hair, clothes, or something else. Basically, anything at all that's different to how she was at that age!

It’s not unusual sadly. You would have thought that someone her age would have figured out that non-brits are mostly nicer than us brits. YANBU - don’t invite her.

Woah!! To all those annoying posters- Stop being so bloody ageist!!

My mum (would have been 103 if alive) managed not to be racist and she was active in WW2 so if she’d been anti Japanese, you could maybe understand why. Luckily, she was very welcoming as my DS married a fabulous Japanese woman.

It’s normally only saddo DMail readers and Reform voters of all ages who are stupidly racist and don’t think before they speak.

In your shoes OP, be clear with her that you won’t allow her to make openly snide or racist comments and until she can learn to hold her tongue she’s no longer invited to family get togethers - and mean it!

My DM is 83 and wouldn’t dream of making remarks like these. Neither would DF if he was here to tell the tale. It’s very offensive and ageist to make these remarks about a whole generation.

Your mother is a disgusting racist. I am sorry you have to endure that.
Well done for bringing up your boys with the right values.