To think these comments from my mum are slightly racist and unnecessary

[ColaPineapple]

I have 3 sons, all early 20s and all in lovely relationships. All of my son’s GFs are foreign, Ukrainian, Italian and German. All of them are lovely women, intelligent, resilient, kind etc.

My mum is a very difficult woman and lately she has been making lots of comments, some examples include
~You have to wonder what’s wrong with them that they can’t get British women
~Silly boys blinded by exoticness
~Hope he knows she’s just looking for a passport (in reference to the Ukrainian)
~I wouldn’t be surprised if she has a boyfriend back home and she’s just using DS as a wallet
~I bet she makes him food then throws the plate at his head (about the italian)
~She has lots of opinions doesn’t she, all the Italians I know are loud “gobby” people, at least she’s very pretty I suppose
~Ah so he is the submissive one in the relationship (about the German)
~Gosh a German! She will suck the fun out of his life

Now if you haven’t noticed these are lazy stereotypes, she hasn’t taken any time to get to know them despite them all being in these relationships for at least a year now.

AIBU to stop inviting my mum to any dinners with my sons and their GFs as she is clearly bigoted and unable to get to know them as people. I don’t want to subject these women who are now a part of our family to her xenophobic views!

😂😂😂 is she married to Alf Garnett?!
Surely this can’t be true?!?

^ This
She isn’t saying it to their faces I presume?

Dreadful. It’s pros single to create humour based on stereotypes, but her comments aren’t funny or insightful. They are just plain rude. But I don’t think you need to worry overly. As long as she holds her tongue in their presence and you tell her you don’t want to hear it, she’ll have no impact.

It’s xenophobia and stereotyping not racism though it doesn’t make it any better obviously.

The generational thing is absolutely bullshit. My parents and PIL in their 70s wouldn't behave like this in a million years. My Victorian born great-grandparents wouldn't have done.

My mum would have been nearly 100 now if she was still alive and she would never have behaved like this!

My mum would be 87 if she was still alive &, like your mum, would never have behaved like this. My mum had a talent for languages and I know that she would have made a point of brushing up her German & Italian, leaned some Ukrainian, Googled some recipes & done her best to welcome her children's foreign partners & relished the opportunity to learn about their cultures.

I've never thrown a plate at anyone in my life 😁

More seriously, is she ever like this in front of the girlfriends? They might (if they are anything like me) just be sighing and rolling their eyes now, but I bet none of them will want to bring any potential DC round to visit her.

It’s jealousy. If they were going out with white British women’s he would probably be criticising their appearance - too much makeup, how long do they spend on their hair? Was she like this with their previous gf’s or are these their first proper relationships?

Maybe she feels displaced as their (and your) attention is longer on her as much. Maybe she’s worried they’ll set up home in foreign countries? Who knows.

Absolutely tell her she won’t be invited round if she says such horrible things, even if it’s just to you.

I hope she does not say these things in front of them or your son's? If she behaves herself when with them I would continue to invite her as it's only by getting to know them that she'll be able to see past her stereotypes

@DappledThings completely off topic I know - but are you a fan of Gerard Manley Hopkins by any chance? We read his poem 'Dappled Things' at my mother's funeral as she used to say discovering that she was a 'dappled thing' was what reconciled her to her freckles.

Come on! Surely we can't keep excusing racism and xenophobia because of old age. I find that quite agist to be honest. My dad and his siblings all married foreigners (one was a Muslim) and my grandparents didn't make such comments. They would be around 115 if still alive!

She’s xenophobic, not racist, but those are still awful comments. I wouldn’t be surprised if her grandsons never want to see her again.

Don't be daft, it's not a whole generation. Stop making ageist stereotypes. Oh, the irony.

These comments are so ridiculous that I'd be tempted to respond with

'Mum, you know when you make those comments it makes you sound really thick, don't you?'

Could be kinder, but i don't see any point in being nice to people who think like this. What a horrible woman, assuming all these nasty things about people.

Your mum's comments are very racist and xenophobic and I would definitely stop inviting her to any dinners or other social events with your sons and their girlfriends.

My dad would be 94 if he was alive and he was a committed anti-racist all his life. It isn't an age thing, it's a 'your mum being deeply unpleasant about people based on their race/nationality' thing.

It's xenophobia rather than racism, but that's a technicality. Either way, it's vile and offensive, and of course, it has fuck all to do with her age.

Stop inviting her and tell her why.

Depends on the colour of your sons and their respective girlfriends whether this is racist or not. If your son is white and dating a black German national for example, her comments are racist and xenophobic.
If your son is black British (for example) and his girlfriend is also black but a foreign national, then it’s solely xenophobia, nothing else. Ugly in both scenarios but entirely different things.

Sorry your mom’s a dinosaur.

Not sure there is anything you can do if she chooses to be a dinosaur.
Maybe explain to her that should things become serious with these women: marriage / kids and she carries on as she does she may find her grandsons distancing themselves from her.

It’s such a strange mindset though. Assuming people with partners of different backgrounds cannot “get” partners of the same background.

Some of us just don’t have racial / nationality / ethnicity based filters when selecting life partners.

Also I am sure some MNs will start to quibble with you as to whether the “correct” term is xenophobia or racism but same difference.

@JHoundhow is racism and xenophobia the same thing?

That is where my username comes from yes!

AIBU to stop inviting my mum to any dinners with my sons and their GFs as she is clearly bigoted and unable to get to know them as people. I don’t want to subject these women who are now a part of our family to her xenophobic views!

Sorry I did not see this. If she is talking like this in front of those women I would absolutely not invite her to dinner parties. It’s unfair to your sons and their partners.

No you're not being unreasonable. I think its very unfair to expose these women to someone with your mother's views. I couldn't in all conscience have them socialising in good faith with someone I knew thought and said these things behind their back. I'd tell my mother this and that she wouldn't be invited in future.

“Older generation” is no excuse. My SIL is Polish and none of the older generation in my family ever said anything like this.

Another lazy stereotype. My mother is a pensioner and not like this. My grandmother was not like this. Plenty of the older generation are not bigots.

People who are racist make excuses for their own behaviour and I bet if you called her out she might say you’re being sensitive. I’m the “foreign girl” in my husband’s family (I’m Indian, he’s white British) and have been on the direct receiving end of racism. It’s reached a point where I’ve cut ties with most of his family - you can tell her that she needs to consider such a scenario.