To think these comments from my mum are slightly racist and unnecessary

[ColaPineapple]

I have 3 sons, all early 20s and all in lovely relationships. All of my son’s GFs are foreign, Ukrainian, Italian and German. All of them are lovely women, intelligent, resilient, kind etc.

My mum is a very difficult woman and lately she has been making lots of comments, some examples include
~You have to wonder what’s wrong with them that they can’t get British women
~Silly boys blinded by exoticness
~Hope he knows she’s just looking for a passport (in reference to the Ukrainian)
~I wouldn’t be surprised if she has a boyfriend back home and she’s just using DS as a wallet
~I bet she makes him food then throws the plate at his head (about the italian)
~She has lots of opinions doesn’t she, all the Italians I know are loud “gobby” people, at least she’s very pretty I suppose
~Ah so he is the submissive one in the relationship (about the German)
~Gosh a German! She will suck the fun out of his life

Now if you haven’t noticed these are lazy stereotypes, she hasn’t taken any time to get to know them despite them all being in these relationships for at least a year now.

AIBU to stop inviting my mum to any dinners with my sons and their GFs as she is clearly bigoted and unable to get to know them as people. I don’t want to subject these women who are now a part of our family to her xenophobic views!

You need to directly, firmly and politely tell her that those views are not acceptable and she is not to voice them in your presence, your home or in front of the boys and their gfs. Even if you can’t negotiate with changing her views, you can certainly draw a line and I don’t believe age is a factor.

My best friend is gay and was a bridesman at our wedding. My MIL before she was my MIL always knew this about my best friend, but would still make vague comments about “you know what I’m like about “them” I’m just not comfortable with it”…. She’s not remotely religious (I grew up in a Christian household, my dads 75 and loves my best friend and always has so religion and age aren’t factors/excuses ever, but definitely not for her!) so I get the impression she just finds it “gross”.

I’ve always told her I don’t agree and moved on the discussion, but last summer before our wedding in November ( where she’d see my friend) she made some vague “you know I’m just uncomfortable with it” comment having brought it up (I’ve never let her think it’s ok round me so not sure why she did!) and I was direct but polite like a parent or teacher would be. I said to her that while I didn’t agree with her views and thought they were disgusting, I recognised that it wasn’t my place to change them and I was not remotely interested in trying to PURELY to keep the peace between us, but that if she ever brought them it up in front of me again, she was opening the floor to me giving my personal views on her opinion being stupid….which I’m sure neither of us wanted to have.

my FIL seemed to have cogs whirring on whether to say something to me and she just sat in shock. My husband came back from the bar with our drinks and we moved the conversation on and had lunch. She has never brought it up again. While I’d not fall out with her over her views, as its almost so comical to the point it’s a mental disorder you’ve got to feel sorry for, I’d get louder if she was daft enough to bring it up.

I think for you however, given you have three future spouses (if not them, potentially other girls from somewhere else!) and sons that look up to you, you need to say that to her AND follow through if she voices those opinions to you even if it’s not in front of them and openly disinvite her from the next event so she knows you’re serious. If you can sit her down and talk her round from being racist, obviously do that, but in my case it was a MIL who I know (in my husbands own words, is “thick as mince”….) won’t comprehend or listen to me.

You are being just as prejudicial and stereotypical as OPs mother.

Read what I wrote again

Slightly racist???
Sorry OP, it’s your mum but she is really nasty and horrible. Luckily it seems you didn’t come after her and neither did your DSs.
Please challenge her consistently, politely and patiently but until she changes - don’t subject your sons and their girlfriends to these disgusting views.
I actually couldn’t past through the very first one - it’s not the attitude of loving grandma, no way.

It’s racism

my mum has told me iof her suspicions about the number of Indian type people now working at sainsburys and tescos and no local workers are now seen as they seem to prefer these types

I reminded her that my dad is south Asian

apparently this is different 🙄

The non Brits being nicer than Brits comment is absolutely ridiculous. And i say that as a dd of an immigrant.

Agree that the dm is being xenophobic and the op should address that with her dm.

Blimey op. If thats slightly racist I would hate to hear her full throttle… That language is unacceptable and she needs to stop. End of.

that’s awful, I’d be speaking sharply to her and tell her she’s being a racist.
My late mother ( 1920’s born) was extremely racist but would strongly deny she was, my father ( same age) was not a racist but made excuses for her - looking back he probably would be called an enabler, but I used to think he just wanted a quiet life so let her get away with things.
When she met my 2nd husband ( I was in my late40’s so past having more children) she whispered to me “ well at least he’s not TOO dark”…. and “ at least you wont have to have mixed race children”
Awful, but can’t be put down entirely to generation, there have been some horrid cases in the news recently involving racist young teenagers