I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

[TheWisePearlRaven]

I'm wondering if I dropped the ball with my DIL. I took my son to a baseball game recently because he’s been under a lot of pressure with work and he’s an awesome dad and I wanted to give him a bit of a break and my DIL felt like I should've offered to watch the baby so they could've gone on a date. She mentioned feeling like she's always solo-parenting and I didn't help them out as a couple. She said she felt she supports my son by raising my granddaughter saving the family money and giving my son piece of mind that she is in good hands with her mother and it’s not easy work doing this 24/7 as my son gets to leave his job but a SAHM never gets to “clock out” not to mention she handles all of the household tasks of the daily running of the household another less thing my son has to worry about it and she felt I overlooked that and only saw my son’s contributions to the family.

Now she's asked me to watch the baby next week for some me-time. Should I have thought of that date-day opportunity for them? How can I better support them both? I feel awful that my DIL feels I was just supporting my son while overlooking her as that wasn’t my intention at all. I guess as the grandmother I should be looking at it through the lens of supporting the family unit as a whole and not just focus in on supporting my son. I’m glad my DIL felt comfortable enough with me to express her hurt feelings and concern rather than harboring resentment towards me.

However AIBU to be a bit annoyed deep down that a kind gesture I did towards my son individually was basically shut down?

A friend has an equal say in how a friendship is conducted. That’s why this kind of behaviour is abusive. It isolates the abused partner as their friends drop them one by one.

I think you are getting a bit of an unfair kicking here, because people are ignoring the fact that you have a relationship with your son, independent of his wife. It's lovely that you say you love her - and it's clear the two of you are pretty close - and I think you have been absolutely gracious in how you dealt with and took on board her comments.

But there should still be occasional time for you and your son to spend time together.

When my DD was little, I was the main breadwinner with a time consuming out of the house job (SLT in a big school). My then husband worked from home so picked up a lot more of the day to day parenting.

My mom and I still spent time together, and my husband raised no objection - he spent time with his mom too on other occasions.

I think the perfect solution might be if you had taken your son AND the baby out? Then DIL gets a break and a chance to chill, and you get morher-son time.

But I do think the parent-child relationship still needs and deserves nurturing right into adulthood. My mom might be a grandma now but she is still my mom. And even if my DD one day has a child, which I would love (I really want to be a very hands on granny if I am allowed to be!) my DD will still be my one and only child and the most precious thing to me in the world......

Does that all make sense?

So please don't feel you can never have days out with your own son any more. But maybe, where possible, bring the baby, so that DIL doesn't feel put upon - I do understand what she means in that sense (I think she was cheeky to suggest you should fund dates for them tho - ask you to babysit, yes, but i dont think she has the right to demand you pay for her to go to sporting events!)

Yeah, so you had plenty of time for seeing people and having relationships outside of 'your little family' while he was working to allow you to be at home having all that time with your loved ones.

But he wasn't allowed because YOU were supposed to be his priority and he was no longer a person in his own right, he was now 'a Dad' and having all of his time controlled by you emotionally manipulating him into thinking he'd be a terrible 'Dad' and a terrible person to want some time away from you and your DC because YOU decided it's all about your 'little family' and he doesn't matter anymore and him 'getting to go to work' means that's al the life and interactions he can expect outside of you and your 'little family'.

Poor bloke.

You sound terrible and he sounds like an abused spouse who doesn't even have an identity, let alone relationships that you're not constantly observing and controlling.

As someone who had no family around when I had 6 month olds, DIL seems a bit entitled. My parents lived 8+ hours away, MIL 3+ hours away. This DIL has weekly baby-sitting and seems like she could call on a variety of people who can pop over to help. Total luxury!

I have no problem with my DH spending time with his family and encourage it. When parents come to visit we usually do things with all of us but that’s because we see them infrequently.

I would be miffed at my MIL taking DH out to celebrate his wonderful providing, but I wouldn’t be surprised. If your DIL is never getting a break from mumming then that is an issue your DS has allowed to happen. yes he’s working, but it’s unfair of him to come home from work and do nothing (like my DH). If he’s doing stuff round the house, takes care of DGD so DIL can have a break and is contributing to the family things then DIL has got a bit of a nerve.

I’d expect to be able to spend time with just my DS when they’re married 🤷🏻‍♀️ (I’d also hand their arses to them if I found out they weren’t pulling their weight around the house but that’s another thread 😉).

Yeah you just said it 'just happy that we made time to see them when we could be doing our own thing'.

Because they know you're a controlling abusive nightmare that makes it known they get to see their loved one with you there or not at all. And should be grateful.

Because 'doing our own thing' wouldn't mean doing anything your DP wants to, as he would want to see people without you, it would be doing YOUR thing.

Because you're a controlling abuser.

Dress it up all you like as abusers always do, but you've said you got to see other people and have relationships without your DP there.

Your DP wasn't allowed to spend time with anyone without you present and that his loved ones were made to feel grateful you'd let them see him and your DC as you could be 'doing your own thing'.

You're a manipulative and controlling abuser.

How many times are you going to repeat the same message?? They were always very kind to me I would be very very shocked if they didn’t like me. If they thought I was abusive to my husband they would have had chats with him about it or acted cold towards me. People can only hide their true feelings for so long. They treated me like they treated my husband as far as his parents and sibling. Equal gifts on the holidays, all the sorts. Texting me saying she loves me like a daughter (my MIL) trust me we are close

I don't see why the MIL has to babysit at all quite frankly and it's not the DIL's shout as to who she takes out and spends time and money on either. This is an issue solely between the DIL and her DH. He had the right to refuse his mother or arrange a family day out for everyone. He chose not to. Anyway, as it stands it sounds like the DIL's got a bloody good deal with babysitting between the MIL and her own parents so I don't know what she's moaning about.

You are being totally ridiculous

Keep telling yourself that.

You clearly don't know how domestic abuse works since you're expecting your DPs family to tell him he's being abused and be cold towards you.

That's the opposite of how people usually respond. They placate, befriend, don't make waves, tell the abuser they love them.

An extreme example but Fred Wests eldest surviving daughter Anna-Marie was repeatedly rated by her Dad and Rose from the age of 6.

He gave her away at her wedding and gave a father of the bride speech and the most famous picture of Fred and Rose as a couple is at her wedding.

I guarantee if your DP left you his family would be over the moon. They're keeping you on side because they know you're in control and abusive and it's safer for their loved one to still have some family contact as you would clearly love for it to stop completely but you find it hard to make that happen when everyone does exactly what you want all of the time.

This with bells on.

I imagine they be dancing a jig.

Wow that’s wild! So then how will you ever know if your in laws love and affection for you is genuine. If a MIL tells her DIL she loves her like a daughter the DIL will never know if that’s actually true or not. I tend to be able to read people really well so I can read through fake news easily

I think it's great she can tell you this and you have been able to reflect on it. I know my mil would have taken umbrage at it. Shows you have a good relationship. Also shows your son is a little top comfy thinking of himself

You must have known your DIL would be upset that she left on her own.

I noticed this too.. we’re siding with her the MIL yet she keeps disputing our posts

As a Mother of grown boys who are married. I don't think you did anything wrong. She's feeling a bit left out and sees you spend time with your son. Maybe her family aren't interested enough to do the same for her. I'd offer a babysitting day so she could go and do whatever she wants to do, see friends or family, whatever. If she'd prefer a date night/day I'd offer babysitting for that.

I cannot understand how you thought it was ok for you to socialise during the week but insist your husband only socialise with you at the weekend.

I spent my first maternity leave at baby groups etc. Had a great time during the week. We saw my in-laws almost every weekend. It was important to me that we did so as I knew that they were keen to see baby. To have people interested in your child is an absolute privilege and a joy. I also treat my MIL as I’d like to be treated. My husband loves his mother, it’s lovely to see and I hope that my son and I have a good relationship when he is an adult.

If my future DIL or SIL were to tell my child that they could only see me with extended family Id be devastated. How cruel. I’m not my son’s cousin, I’m his mother, I grew him and raised him and I have as much interest in him & his life as DIL/SIL has in their child’s.

It’s mad that the poster thinks her relationship with her children is more important than her in laws relationship with their child/ren (her husband). It’s unbelievably selfish.

Where did I say it was the case here? I said it reminds me of the rhyme.

What? Are you saying she is never allowed to spend time alone with her son from now on because he is married? Is the DIL allowed alone time with her mother? I for one would be very upset if my husband told me that I can't spend alone time with my parents and would feel that he is being controlling and abusive.

@ForBusyZebra

what do you mean “little family”? Does your mother stop being your family because she is outside of your husband and kids?? What about your husbands parents? Do they get relegated from the status of family when grandkids come along (although not I bet when you want babysitting from them!) And friends! Well they are deffo not family! Are you and your husband allowed friends or do you worry this detracts from “family time”?

@HAPPILYMARRIEDSINCE2012@Cherrytree86I think that poster must be a MIL hater to have such weird views.

god i'd be pissed off with young babies /kids if my MIL took my husband out on a weekend! when he could have been helping at home - for a day out. Yes it was thoughtless, try and remember how tiring those days are.

I think you are entitled to spend some time with just your son and I hope he did actually ask her if it was ok and not just assume. Sounds like they get a lot of babysitting to me but I can see her point about feeling underappreciated - not totally sure that is your job though and your son should step up. Seems like it is all resolved though - she told you how she felt, you apologised and have offered more babysitting

I think you've hit the nail on the head that the messaging is the issue here. I don't mind in the least when my husband does things with his mum, I actively encourage it. But if she had said to me 'I'm taking my son out for a treat because he works so hard and he's such an amazing dad' when I was the one looking after the child full time I might feel a bit like my efforts weren't being recognised.

It's like how it always slightly irritates me when my mother in law is very solicitous over my husband looking tired and points out how hard he's been working. He does work hard, but I'm the one doing all the night wakes and day to day care of our baby. It's not that I don't want her to recognise his efforts, but in general in society men get a lot of praise for the routine work of parenting where women are expected to just get on with it or are criticised for not doing even more. Your DIL may be seeing your day out with your son in that light. (I should say my MIL is a wonderful woman and I love her dearly - this is a minor irk which I look past because she's so great).

Anyway, it sounds like you all have healthy communication and have dealt with a point of friction effectively, which is a sign that you're a good MIL. I don't think you've done anything terrible, it's just been a prickly situation which has been resolved.

That’s a very balanced view @Hsisbdh6383. I think the reason your Mil comments on your bloke looking tired is because she notices how he looks more. You never stop worrying about your child, however old they are. Mine celebrated his half century this year and I still worry about him!