40 year old man - spoilt by mummy

[Profpudding]

If this was your son, what would you make of it?
Just spotted my younger 40-year-old brother on holiday with his mother.
Alone
He has six children and he couldn’t have taken one of them with him.
He would’ve only been paying for airfare, Parents cover everything else when they get there so we’re actually saying that it didn’t cross anybody’s mind. To invite the children.
I would also point out that these kids have probably never had a holiday in their life. They’ve been raised in absolute poverty due to his lack of contribution generally.
If that was my son, I’d be kicking him up the arse not buying him an ice cream
Oh, and he does work.

Every now and then she pops up as a friend suggestion and I must admit I do have a little stalk
And on one occasion that was not a bad thing. My other brother was sat on a boat alongside his mother her sister and her husband who’s a convicted paedophile with my niece rolling around in a swimsuit.
Naturally, the Mesenger was shot and that went down like a lead balloon when I shared it with the child’s mother. But at least my conscience was clear.

The pertinent information that I did forget to add is that it wouldn’t be a case of paying for a holiday. The mother lives out there. It would literally just be paying for the airfare, perhaps not even that she’s trying to entice my children over to visit which they’ve declined on the basis that she’ll pay for everything.
Seems odd if they were invited that children would’ve never been anywhere would decline that, if the same offer was made.
Two are adults, two are teens, 2 little ones ish

Two entirely seperate issues. Nothing wrong with a son going on holiday with his mother at 40 (such a shame for mums of sons that this is sneered at, when if you have a daughter, no one bats an eyelid) Everything wrong with your brothers financial neglect of his children. The fact he pays nothing for them is the big issue, who he goes on holiday with is neither here nor there in light of that.

They’ve been raised in absolute poverty due to his lack of contribution generally.
If that was my son, I’d be kicking him up the arse not buying him an ice cream
Oh, and he does work.

While I think the holiday is the least of his worries, I do agree that I wouldn’t be taking my son on holiday if he was a deadbeat though. I have strong views on men like that. My brothers are currently childfree, but I know if they pulled a stunt like that I’d go LC. I’d also try and be an active and present Aunty.

Sadly, you get lumped in with the same category as him. We were very active in the First Two children’s lives for the first two years until that ended.
Second one she didn’t let him anywhere near the children more or less as soon as they were born for about five years, disappeared. Don’t know what happened there because I went no contact after that.
And then the third lot ive never met or seen.

So he doesn’t live with the children full time? That’s a very different story op- very different paying for one person’s holiday to paying for six children plus if he doesn’t have them full time then he’s free to do what he wants then.

He does need to step up financially though

I don’t think that’s the case at all. I think it’s utterly intertwined. If one wasn’t happening, then you’d have no issue with the other.

Well I don't know the situation.

It's possible he was having a hard time that you don't know about, or there's a medical issue or he's had some bad news or something, and they took him away for a break or to recoup or something..

Who knows...

Can you imagine what MN would say if someone posted that the father of their child was a deadbeat dad, they lived in poverty because he refused to contribute, he has 6 kids with different mums and now he’s suddenly suggesting taking the child on holiday with his mum (and btw her BIL is a convicted paedophile)?

If that were my son at 40 with loads of kids that he doesn't pay a penny for I wouldn't be treating the little fucker to a holiday

If that was my son, I wouldn’t be treating him to a holiday. I would be kicking him up the arse for being such a shit dad

He’s been having a hard time for the last 35 years, Which is why none of the mothers of his children live with him I presume, at some point you really do have to get a grip.

Well, precisely.

If he couldn't take 6 he shouldn't take any. Picking and choosing which child to treat is more damaging than treating none of them.

But he has no business enjoying a holiday (or anything else for that matter) if he's not supporting his own children. That's how being a parent works, you make sure the children are well taken care of first, then you think of your own happiness.

Fair enough btw I wasn’t blaming you necessarily as I appreciate it’s not always possible or easy to have access to kids that aren’t yours just because you’re related. That’s just what I would ideally do if I could.

Seems odd if they were invited that children would’ve never been anywhere would decline that, if the same offer was made.
Two are adults, two are teens, 2 little ones ish

It’s not odd really - maybe they don’t want to go on holiday with the deadbeat dad and want to wait to go with their mum one day when they can afford it. Also if they weren’t invited it’s Hardly a surprise surely? he’s a deadbeat dad so you can’t expect much from him really.

If I had a kid with a man who wasn’t financially supporting them I’d
decline holiday invites and say he needs to get the basics in order ie weekly/monthly contributions.

Re. Paedophile BIL well between that and the lack of support in his kids life he is clearly an irresponsible father. It’s a good thing he isn’t taking the children on holiday.

The brother is not unemployed

It's not up to you to judge OP.

Oh, pull the other one. It absolutely is.
And now it’s the whole of Mumsnet’s next job to judge as well because I put it out there.

You need to find positive ways to channel your energy, and stop focusing on them. Who cares if your 35 year old brother is on holidays with his mother? She wanted him there, so she invited him. He wanted to go, so he went. So, off they went. This doesn't affect you.

I wouldn't give him dad if the year award but it's not up to me to judge. I have no idea what he has been through or why he can't step up to being a responsible father.

Please focus in on your own life and try to be a great parent instead of getting bogged down with other people's failures. Simmering with resentment won't get you anywhere. I don't want to come across as patronising as I've been there myself. Let them at it.

Fully appreciate what you’re saying.
As I said
When you’re repeatedly gaslit for over 30 years you do start to wonder and doubt your own sanity.
Luckily, most of the lovely Mum’s netters have been able to reassure me that it is in fact them not me.
That’s what I was hoping for.
Mission accomplished

Nah you’re quite right to judge. More people need to judge men for being deadbeats - the same way they judge women for walking out on their kids.

If anything, it needs to be made MORE socially unacceptable for men to more or less abandon their kids. I would shun any man in my life who did this.

In the U.S. men can go to jail for not financially supporting their kids. I don’t know if prison is the answer but it certainly should be illegal.

The rest of society and their children most of all pay the consequences of this. As you say his kids are living in poverty and I’m sure their mothers are claiming tax payer funded benefits as a result.

There is NO excuse to be a deadbeat to one child - what possible reason or excuses would justify going on to have five more kids when you know you’re - for whatever reason - unable to be a decent father?

I’m sorry to say that your db sounds like an absolute deadbeat.

He's not unemployed, op said he does work

Maybe your mother feels he is vulnerable and lost in life. Parents tend to become focused on the weaker children. Perhaps they both have similar weaknesses and can identify with each other.

Issues like this used to annoy me years ago. My brother got away with murder. Now I realise that my brother is an anxious and underconfident mess who struggles to cope. I don't mind the extra leeway as right now he can't cope.

Not sure what the underlying issue with your brother is but I would let them at it, and just be glad I'm not him.

He works now we have had years and years of sporadically employment As you can imagine

You're supposed to love yours kids unconditionally. You shouldn't have them if you aren't capable of that.

Your brother clearly doesn't. His mum clearly does love him like that. You can't judge her by his standards. But its fine to judge him.

Is she your mum and is your dad on the scene?