My mum is jealous !

[OneAquaEagle90]

I am 32 and thinking about buying a small 1 bed flat I have no kids , no partner and I am in a position I have saved my money. Most people around me have brought there home including my mum every time I talk about buying a home she gets so angry and leaves the room , my bother who's 42 she keeps talking about helping him buy a home its like she's jealous. I cant understand it someone please let me know this is not one or two comments she has done this for years.

Stop talking about it and just do it.

Go for it - your own home, how exciting! You've worked hard for this, you deserve it. Enjoy it.

Do you live with your mum ATM? Is she concerned about being left on her own?

Well this otherwise it feels you are attention seeking

Juat get on with it

Stop talking about your future plans with your mum and get on with it.

Do you live with her? Maybe she is worried about living alone?
Regardless, she should be happy for you, but I would keep your business to yourself, she is sucking the joy out of your happy news.
Congratulations, just buy it!

"she has done this for years."

Does this mean you've been talking about it for years?

If so, like all the others say, stop talking about it and actually do it. No need to discuss it with her.

It's probably because few women of her generation ever lived alone or bought a home alone (depending on her age, it might have been literally impossible - some mortgage lenders wouldn't lend to single women, once upon a time). Either she just couldn't do it or it never really seemed feasible to her because of societal expectations etc. And so now, yes, she's jealous. I've seen this a few times - older women who seem angered by the choices of younger women to choose to go into certain careers / work abroad / choose not to marry / choose not to have children etc. The older women didn't feel free to make the same choices when they were young - they were expected to marry young, have children, be homemakers etc and although it was obviously not against the law to rebel against expectations, the world they lived in made it very difficult (eg because it was harder for a woman to get a job that made enough money to live independently). And they do sometimes take out their anger about that on the wrong person.

Or it could simply be she is sick of hearing about it

I had a similar mum. She won't change and there is nothing you can say to improve the situation. You don't have to tell her things and you don't have to visit her. She is never going to support you or be pleased for you. It's horrible to realise this but it means that you really don't owe her your time or attention. Good luck with the flat purchase.

are you still living with her rent free/cheaply and have been talking about this for years? If so YABU, she’s not jealous she’s annoyed

Why would she be jealous ?

I don’t understand this post. Why is she jealous or angry? How long have you been looking?

People are jealous especially the ones renting and those who can’t afford their own home. I’ve just bought my own home at 35 and the amount of pathetic comments I’ve had is hilarious. You buy that home and you enjoy. You’ve worked for it now go and reap the rewards.

Where do you live now?

It’s amazing how many mothers are, lack of opportunities they had that you had, dissatisfaction with their lives. My mum told my father in law not to leave us any money as we are “affluent” she’s jealous I sense that I have a husband who doesn’t go to the pub every day, cooks and cleans and doesn’t beat me up. Whereas the usual thing would be to be pleased for your child.

if she’s bought her own home already, why would she be jealous? Surely it’s more likely she’s frustrated because you’ve been talking about it for years and not just got on with it /still talking about something that doesn’t happen?

Stop talking about it. Buy the flat, or don’t, but don’t go on about something “for years” and be surprised other people find it irritating.

That may be so with some but there’s nothing in ops post to determine that with her mother . She even owns her own place .

Sounds like there is a major backstory here. I have the sense that your mother has some toxic traits. Don't live your life trying to seek her approval or permission as you may never receive it. It's sad that your own mother can't be happy for you, but as someone who understands completely, pleas don't let her own misery dim your light. This is your one life to live. You should feel really proud of yourself for being able to make this purchase, and you have every reason to celebrate it, too! (Just find someone else to celebrate with...)

@OneAquaEagle90 totally relate unfortunately. My mom was exactly the same. In my 30s, I was working FT and had been since leaving uni resisting all my moms attempts to force me into an arranged marriage (I’m British Indian). My brother chose to not work as hard as me and my parents basically indulged him which I think made him worse. Anyway, when I bought my first home, my mom refused to talk to me or even come over for a year! I learnt not to tell either my parents when I got promoted either as she would also either leave the room, ignore me or basically sneer at how I’m showing off?! I remembered one time after getting a promotion my dad saying ‘why are you telling me?’ 😔

For ref I’m pretty much an introvert and so these are huge milestones for me as someone who only ever left the house to go to work. It’s really affected my self esteem and notion of worth going forward as it dawned on me, every bit of success I had only empthasised the shortcomings of my brother who was very much the favoured child.

I would have liked to go NC but my mom can’t speak English and after my dad passed, my brother is so unreliable that despite her views being the same, I still check in her every so often as I don’t want it on my conscience if anything bad should happen to her because my brother was distracted elsewhere.

I don’t have any answer’s unfortunately except accepting this is how it will forever be. Crazy as it sounds, they are annoyed at you for daring to be a success ahead of the favourite child. It’s a mad thing to know my mom would rather I had remained a failure. Even now, she constantly tells me I’m dumb for working so hard and what is it for if I have no family?! Ugh! I have had to grow and you will too I imagine, rhino skin to cope with such a family member. Right now I’m working towards a promotion and should I get it, I won’t even be able to tell my own mother as it will make her hate me even more. Crazy!

See a lot lot less of her.
Do not tell her your business.
Choose a home as far away from her as is convenient to work for privacy.

Stop sharing any of your good news.

My friends mother was like that.
After one particularly sarcastic remark she ceased giving her any information

She was ruthless about it. Engagement, wedding details, house bought 50 minutes away, moved job, she was the last to hear.

Obviously her mother was upset and she said you had your chance to be happy for me when I told you things first, that will never happen again.

She married quietly abroad with her closest friends on a long weekend and had a very simple lunch for both families.
Her mother heard of it via her sister.

It put manners on her mother who was far more positive when they met occasionally in her latter years.

If you’re 32, still at home, yapping on about being able to buy a house then maybe she’s just sick of you going on and about it and doing nothing to make it happen.

Maybe you haven’t contributed enough and she feels like you’re taking the mick by braggin about having plenty of money saved.

I cant understand it someone please let me know this is not one or two comments she has done this for years

If you've been talking about buying a flat for years and still haven't done so, what between you and your brother, she's probably just bored witless at this point rather than jealous.

More context needed.

Have you saved a lot of money because you have been living rent free with your mum in her home and not contributed fairly to her costs?

Are you living with your mum and over-contributing and she has become dependent on this as part of her income, so will struggle if you move out?

Has she always favoured your brother over you?

Do you both (you and brother) live at home?

@OneAquaEagle90 definitely do it before they decide how you spend your money and guilt you into something you regret. Yes, jealous. Good for you saving up and being able to go ahead 😘.