My mum is jealous !

57 replies

OneAquaEagle90 · 07/06/2025 11:53

I am 32 and thinking about buying a small 1 bed flat I have no kids , no partner and I am in a position I have saved my money. Most people around me have brought there home including my mum every time I talk about buying a home she gets so angry and leaves the room , my bother who's 42 she keeps talking about helping him buy a home its like she's jealous. I cant understand it someone please let me know this is not one or two comments she has done this for years.

OP posts:

AcquadiP · 08/06/2025 10:04

MoominMai · 07/06/2025 12:54

@OneAquaEagle90 totally relate unfortunately. My mom was exactly the same. In my 30s, I was working FT and had been since leaving uni resisting all my moms attempts to force me into an arranged marriage (I’m British Indian). My brother chose to not work as hard as me and my parents basically indulged him which I think made him worse. Anyway, when I bought my first home, my mom refused to talk to me or even come over for a year! I learnt not to tell either my parents when I got promoted either as she would also either leave the room, ignore me or basically sneer at how I’m showing off?! I remembered one time after getting a promotion my dad saying ‘why are you telling me?’ 😔

For ref I’m pretty much an introvert and so these are huge milestones for me as someone who only ever left the house to go to work. It’s really affected my self esteem and notion of worth going forward as it dawned on me, every bit of success I had only empthasised the shortcomings of my brother who was very much the favoured child.

I would have liked to go NC but my mom can’t speak English and after my dad passed, my brother is so unreliable that despite her views being the same, I still check in her every so often as I don’t want it on my conscience if anything bad should happen to her because my brother was distracted elsewhere.

I don’t have any answer’s unfortunately except accepting this is how it will forever be. Crazy as it sounds, they are annoyed at you for daring to be a success ahead of the favourite child. It’s a mad thing to know my mom would rather I had remained a failure. Even now, she constantly tells me I’m dumb for working so hard and what is it for if I have no family?! Ugh! I have had to grow and you will too I imagine, rhino skin to cope with such a family member. Right now I’m working towards a promotion and should I get it, I won’t even be able to tell my own mother as it will make her hate me even more. Crazy!

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First of all, well done for all of your hard work and accomplishments. I'm white British and apart from the arranged marriage pressure, I had the same experiences with my mother. I agree there's nothing OP can do other than live her best life and share only the mundane aspects of life with her mother.

Shit4brains · 08/06/2025 10:07

I feel for you. My mum was jealous of pretty much everything I did/had (house, career, relationships, travel, car, clothes, furniture!) you name it! It was exhausting so eventually I gave up pandering and trying to please her. Ultimately I decided to ignore it, do what I wanted and every time she said something snarky, I’d respond along the lines of ‘each to their own eh mum’.
It’s your life, enjoy your new flat. It’s an exciting time for you and well done!

Deathinvegas · 10/06/2025 17:01

yestothat · 07/06/2025 12:08

are you still living with her rent free/cheaply and have been talking about this for years? If so YABU, she’s not jealous she’s annoyed

I have no idea why the OP mum is doing this.
But in the OP defence she’s probably been talking about it for years because it’s taken her years to save for the deposit.

Whatwouldnanado · 10/06/2025 17:05

Buy it and enjoy your independence. Now, quick before the price goes up. Be proud and happy.

Hatty65 · 10/06/2025 17:37

Elsvieta · 07/06/2025 12:02

It's probably because few women of her generation ever lived alone or bought a home alone (depending on her age, it might have been literally impossible - some mortgage lenders wouldn't lend to single women, once upon a time). Either she just couldn't do it or it never really seemed feasible to her because of societal expectations etc. And so now, yes, she's jealous. I've seen this a few times - older women who seem angered by the choices of younger women to choose to go into certain careers / work abroad / choose not to marry / choose not to have children etc. The older women didn't feel free to make the same choices when they were young - they were expected to marry young, have children, be homemakers etc and although it was obviously not against the law to rebel against expectations, the world they lived in made it very difficult (eg because it was harder for a woman to get a job that made enough money to live independently). And they do sometimes take out their anger about that on the wrong person.

Blimey.

I've got DC the age of the OP and I bought my own home when in my 20s. A lot of women of 'my generation' did. And we lived alone, thanks. What a bunch of ageist and mysoginistic bull. I would argue it was probably easier for us as professionals - I didn't need two salaries or a bloke like you do nowadays.

We grew up in the 1980s - not the 1900s.

Ariela · 10/06/2025 18:25

Just buy the flat - and don't tell her you bought it,

WildLeader · 11/06/2025 13:07

She wants to feel superior to her kids. She doesn’t want to be outshone?

was she always favouring your db?

people like this don’t change

you’re realising that your mother is jealous of you a good 10 years before I did. It hurts, I know, but you need to do what’s right for you.

get on with buying your own home, don’t talk to her about it and if she says anything tell her you’re unhappy about her reaction, that it’s sad to be unhappy for your child, and you’re disappointed in her, but that it won’t stop you.

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