New grandparents to be. . . . .

[RadiovTV]

do not underestimate how hard it is looking after a baby. I did, after all, I've brought up 3, and babysat for several others when mine were young. So now my grandson is 12 months and I'm finding it soooooo wearing. Overlooked the fact I'm 40 years older now with a niggling knee. It's full on and brutal.

I offered to look after him 1 day a week while dd goes back to work, then she'd need to pay one less nursery day. Thank goodness she's smarter and wiser than me. "No mum, you can look after him for as long as you want whenever you want but I don't want you to feel obliged or tie your days down".
I often look after him for an hour or three while she gets stuff done - or goes out for coffee at the weekend with a child free friend, or in fact I just visit and play with him and watch and entertain him and it's great and he loves me 😍
All the times I look after him are extra to childcare so dd and sil can take advantage of a bit of free time together.
But thank goodness she was sensible and recognised my limits. Otherwise dd would be one of those posters writing and complaining that mother had promised the earth and was falling short, and how annoying that is. And I'd be one of those grandparents who felt bad about letting her down.

So grandparents to be - beware. It's a doddle when you're 25 or 30. It's 10 times harder when you're 65 or 70. Be warned.

Really sensible approach by you and your DD.

My DM looked after my first child, part time. We paid her the going rate.

Rountine childcare meant neither she, or my dad, did any additional care or spent other fun times with my DC.

She stopped when I had my second as she couldn't look after them both.

Really affected the grandparent role.

Really affected the grandparent role

I can see how that might happen. Fraught because the parents can't see the gp's are having difficulty managing because gp's are hiding it and feeling guilty, and not wanting to let anyone down.

Fraught for the grandparents because they can't or don't know how to admit they can't keep it up.

I feel like we've landed in the Goldilocks area. All the time we spend with our grandchild is by our choice and with no pressure. I see him several times a week for an hour or two. Dd can have a leisurely shower after work while son in law makes their dinner. I read to the baby and make him laugh. Or I nip in a couple of times a week and take him out for a walk in his buggy while they maybe catch up on some life admin or just take a breather from being a parent.

I don't have to, but I 'want' to. And I don't just turn up unannounced. I text first and ask if it would be helpful for us to drop by. Sometimes they're organised and say "No, that's okay thanks, he's looking tired and will soon be asleep" Other times they have pressing stuff to do and he's dancing on the ceiling. In which case "Yeah, that'd be great if you could come and read with him for a bit"

And on many occasions we're busy ourselves so can't offer. And they're fine with that because they don't expect anything. Consequently, the time we spend with our grandson is on our terms "and" their terms and we all fully understand that.
This modus operandi means that we spend several hours a week with our grandchild, at times that suit ALL of us. Like when they have stuff to do.
And we don't have stuff to do. Notwithstanding we absolutely love him and spending time with him.

Not so sure if I was run ragged looking after him 8 hours a day.
Like, looking after him 8am till 6pm every Tuesday is having a job, not a grandson.

I second this. My DIL has taken the same attitude with both her mother and me. We are there for emergencies, fun times and when my son and she want some couple time. Its very hard work, the heart may be willing the body no longer complies

I don't find this at all.

I have looked after my 4 yr old dgs since he was 9 months old, and will continue to do before and after school when he starts in September, when I will also take on baby no 2. I have done 2-3 days a week, sometimes 16 hours+ as my Dd and SIL are nurses/shift workers.

Yes I'm tired. But I'm tired in my (now part time) job , which is also working with children! I balance it by having hobbies, playing sport and trying to keep as fit as possible.
IF I become physically unable to manage (I have arthritis) then we will reassess, but for now being an essential part of my grandchildrens' lives is not something I need or want to stop being. My DD absolutely does not take me for granted and I enjoy having a pivotal role in the childrens' development. (probably because I work in early years education 😀)

I'm old, often sore and stiff, but keeping up with a 4 year old stops me feeling like an old lady!

There seems to be an assumption that everyone finds it hard and a chore. That's not the case. My in-law's practically begged to have my baby a couple of times a week and said it's given them a new lease of life.

It's great you and your daughter know your limits but everyone has different outlooks and energy levels.

I agree but we also have 3dds and I don’t want to promise something then only be able to do it for first grandchildren and not others. I will help out and would love sleep overs and days out, but not weekly childcare.

but for now being an essential part of my grandchildrens' lives is not something I need or want to stop being

I am absolutely an essential part of my grandchild's life and nor do I ever want to stop being that. I spend loads of precious time with him. I'm just not relied upon for childcare. That makes it all a lot more fun.

It's great you and your daughter know your limits but everyone has different outlooks and energy levels

I suppose. And some grandparents are in their 40s and some in their 70s.
I had children late and so did dd.

My mum has my nephew 2 days a week, she would never let on to his parents but she has found it hard going. All of her own kids are quiet studious types and then her first grandson turns out to be a very boisterous child, she wasn't really prepared for his level of energy because she'd never encountered it before. She loves him a lot but she's a bit relieved when he goes home in the evening.

I look after my grandchildren regularly but am lucky that my daughter appreciates that it’s tiring and never takes any help for granted. We are very close as a family.

There is certainly an age difference to consider. My friend became a GM at 40 but that is the age some mothers are having their first child and if that child waits till they are 30+ to have children, those older first time mothers will be well into their 70s before they become themselves GM.

There is certainly an age difference to consider

Quite. I had no living grandparents at all. They had my mother late and my mother had me late and my dd has her first child late. It seems to be a familial quirk!!

We have our doc full tunnel except for one day a week ! Yes it is tiring but oh so rewarding . When he starts school next year I’m not sure what I will do with my time . I must admit there are days though that I just want to sit down and have a tv day together which is lovely if he agrees !!

i can believe it, I had dc in my early twenties and in my late thirties and the difference in my energy levels was unreal. I feel bad for ds because with dd I was racing her to the top of the climbing frame, running round playing tig, jumping on trampolines. Now I’m 48 and ds is 9 and I don’t have the energy to join in (I also have chronic pain due to osteoarthritis) Dd hopes to have a baby in the next couple years so I will be a young grandparent but I still will struggle with childcare for long days.

My baby's grandparents are 60's/ early 70's and don't struggle. They're very fit and active. Tbh i think childcare helps with that.

It's not for everyone and that's fine but I think just because some people don't want to provide childcare, we can't let that take away from grandparents who enjoy it and cope well.

We used to go to my grandparents after school 3 days a week when we were primary school aged. So c.3pm-6pm. It was a strict but loving routine of a little playtime with the dog outside, tea and cake, then settle down to do homework.

I have three friends who have done childcare for a decade (their older grandchildren are year 6) and they are tired. They did full time preschool years and now do before and after school and all
scbool runs. One had a brain haemorrhage a few years back, another lost her husband and the other has health issues. They also do childcare for other grandchildren at weekends/ holidays
to make things ‘fair’. They moan about it daily but feel there’s no choice as they think their children wouldn’t manage without them.

I know one of the daughter’s well and she will happily tell you that she’s glad her mum is fit, well and willing to do childcare. I think she probably knows she’s had enough but if she admits that to herself she’ll have to work hard herself to sort it.

So basically women have children and look after them then have to look after grandchildren, so basically women's role in life is look after everyone else, they may be allowed to have a PT job if it fits in with what other people need

I won't be looking after any grandchildren at all.
Not knocking anyone else, nor the lovely times grandchildren have with their grandparents, it's just not for me and I didn't want my own (adult) children under any illusions.

I made many sacrifices for my own children to give them the best at the time, including forgoing my career and many other things. I've done it once, and to be truthful, I found it hard then.

It would be even harder now, what with aching joints and lack of energy. And besides that, I agree with pp that the woman's role shouldn't be an automatic 'look after everyone else' including their kids too. I've done all that already and worked hard for my freedom in retirement, which I'm really enjoying.
Not giving that up for anything, even grandchildren.

I had my gd every weekend from birth and now Thursday to Sunday every week with often a Wednesday and a Sunday added (at least once a month, perhaps twice).

it’s hard, really hard. I’m late 40s and disabled, but no matter how hard it is i’ll do it over and over because she has made my life brighter and better.

But i also thought it would be easy, today forgetting that i’m not in my 20s and healthy. 😂

I’m a childminder in my 60s . I regularly have three under 3s , sometimes 4. It’s not difficult. I don’t work full time but 8-9 hour days . I love it , we regularly have lovely walks , visits farms , beach etc .

My dd is already dropping hints and it’s for 4 years time (she’s a planner!)

My daughter lives 70 miles away so I can't do regular childcare. She is of the opinion that retired people shouldn't be expected to look after grandchildren. I lived 600 miles from family so had no childcare.
I was in to visit last week for a few weeks and found it exhaling even with her there - newborn and toddler. I'm quite relieved I don't have to do it every week.

Totally agree. I was only 43 when my only grandchild was born,I'm now 61. I have a few health issues (osteoarthritis and rheumatoid arthritis) but I managed to look after DGD at least once a week for a few hours, and had her for a couple of weekends when my DD and her husband went away, when DGD was about 2 or 3. But my health got progressively worse from when she was about 9 years old and I struggled to look after her for more than a couple of hours now and again. Now she's 18 and thankfully doesn't need a babysitter any more,which is just as well because I couldn't do it if you paid me!

I would have loved occasional help from family. Sadly my mama died. She would have loved my babies :-(