To be angry my husband sleeps at his mums 3-5 nights at a time when he’s working?

[ladyrushford]

Ok. I feel like I am being unreasonable but I guess I want an outside perspective too.

DH has been recently promoted at work (copper). I am very proud of him. It’s meant that our family life has had to change as he’s doing a combination of early shifts (7 am start), late (3pm start) and a set of nights every four weeks. He tends to work six days, three or four off.

We live in outside of London, where he works, and the trains don’t always run early enough for him to get to work in time so when he started I made the suggestion of him using his parents house in SE London as his emergency base, in case of cancelled trains etc. But since he’s started he’s actually spending long stretches there - not a night or two, but three or four days on the trot. May half he was there all week as he worked nights.

We have 3 kids, our eldest is disabled and attends specialist school. I was able to get transport over Easter so I wasn’t running three kids to three separate locations on my own (DH used to work from home three days a week in his old role). I also work full time but I work from home. I don’t have any network - I live far away from relatives, no siblings, and I’ve not made many friends around here since we moved 2 years ago. In short, when he’s not at home I have absolutely no back up, respite etc. It’s relentless.

So tonight I got annoyed when he announced he was going to stay at his parents for another four days because otherwise to get to work he’d have to be up at 4.30am to drive to a station to get his trains. The kids got upset so he’s staying but he’s furious with me and gone to bed without a word to anyone, reminding me that he has to be up in ‘a few hours.’

I feel terrible now. Why is this so hard for me? I’m trying to be supportive honestly but I just feel so alone and it’s making me irritable. So.., how I can STOP being unreasonable about this??

Oh OP, I don't have much advice but I feel your pain. I'm also married to a copper, and whilst he doesn't stay away from our home, he does support his mum in caring for his Dad (so there a lot) and work shifts. I also work full time, and we have 2 young DC with various clubs etc to get to through the week. He's very hands on, but we can go up to 4 days without seeing each other if his shift fall in a particular way (he's asleep/out when we're awake and vice versa). An awful lot falls to me, we don't really have any family help either. Also we're middle earners and whilst we live a comfortable life, there are no surplus funds in our budget to pay for extra help (e.g. a cleaner). I plan our logistics with precision on a Sunday evening to make sure everything runs smoothly for the week ahead and we steam through it. I get to Friday and fall asleep on the sofa before 8pm 🤣 i don't think any of this is helpful... more a solidarity post - I see you and feel your pain!

What the hell. I’m shocked at these responses. It’s totally normal for emergency service workers to work long shifts and commute. People saying he should be able to do a bit of light parenting only as he needs rest ffs he is a parent so needs to come home and be fully on board and muck in. So he’s tired !! He can catch up on sleep on his days off like the rest of us do. I do not understand why people put up with their partners staying away checking out of family life with the excuses of work and needing rest. Rubbish.
I am an emergency services worker. I have a 1.5 hour commute depending on traffic. It can be an hour if I travel at night. I can often be working past midnight and still get up to set off to work the next day at 7am. Does not matter what time I get home, I come home every day because I’m a parent and I can’t just decide not to bother with my dc. After nights I still do the school run, sleep while dc are at school and do the pick up and evenings then back to work. Surviving on 5 hours sleep is normal in my line of work. No it’s not ideal or healthy but that’s why we rest on off days. Everyone in my work do this. Some even commute from a lot further away. It’s sort of expected and that’s why people quickly move up the ladder to more office based roles or move sideways to less intense roles, but someone has to do it. We choose not to work near where we live due to safety as op mentioned.

What if op also decided to stay at her parents 4 nights a week as she is also working full time. Her husband needs to suck it up and drive in and come home after every shift.

Also just to add I spent £27 on parking for work yesterday. It’s a nightmare but I need my car to be able to get home so I have no choice. He could look into getting a permanent for a multi story car park a short distance away or claiming some back like I do.

Are you absolutely sure he isn't spending time with someone else 👀

Plenty of shift workers get up at 04.30.

Most workers, whatever their shifts, don't stay at their mum's for four nights particularly if they have three children at home and a working partner!

This is silly. The obvious solution is HE DRIVES. And pay parking. With the money from the promotion.

And while he’s busy catching up on sleep on his days off , who’s looking after the kids then ? . Better to be a fully engaged parent on his rest days , than having g the kids creeping round the house so Daddy ( or in our house Mummy ) can sleep on his day off and them still not getting to spend time with him.

It is shit. And it’s not fair . And it’s not as easy as saying “ well get him to change his role , or his shift pattern “
Applying for a new role can take months , even years . I know people in the organisation who applied , passed the paper sift , were successful in their interview board, and are still waiting to be released from their old role two years later . You can ask for flexible working and all they have to do is consider it , and then reject it quoting some unspecified business need . I had to apply for holiday leave for April 2025 -.2026 in July 2024 . The only way to change things quickly , is to resign , because all you have to give is 28 days notice.

You’re going to have to have the same discussions that DH and I had . And approach it as a team, not two sides , which was the trap we fell into at first . There’s no winner in any of it .

I know what you mean but we didn’t know what role he would get after he passed his exams. Only the rank is confirmed and the officers get posted wherever there’s a need for that rank. It’s a lottery. We got the worst case scenario but we are making it work. I was having a super bad day yesterday !

@ladyrushford you must be very lonely working from home, young family disabled child. You need some fun in your life and a babysitter.

Is there a Facebook group for your area. That's where I pick up the best information.

I've had a few friends whose husband were in the oil exploration industry. They'd set up a baby sitting circle I joined. They coped with loneliness by joining a gym, playing badminton. Have a look around FB.

Pretty much. He wants to stay there on some early shifts to avoid needing to get up extra early etc. So it can end up that’s he’s at his parents quite a lot in a working week.

Can he not come home after work then drive to his parents after putting the kids to bed ? At least for some of the days to give you a break.
He gets to relax all evening and you don't which doesn't seem fair..

Seriously OP, what did you expect if your partner is a cop?

It is hardly ever going to be a family-friendly, 9 to 5 job...

If you want a long term change you have two options:

• you move closer to his work
• he pursues a new career.

At the moment it makes sense for him to sleep at his parents' house rather than spend his time on the road going back and forth.

You seem very angry at the choices someone else has made. I have plenty of self-respect, and the way we live works for us. Yes it’s hard at times, and I have struggled, but anything worth fighting for (and we believe it is) will be.

Clearly you have no experience of travelling / being away for work. It’s not the glamourous lifestyle you might think. However lovely the hotel, he’s there on his own, finishing off work in an anonymous room until bedtime and then leaving crack of dawn to get to the office. He’s not using the spa facilities and draining the minibar… Or he’s sitting on yet another delayed flight, hoping he gets to his destination soon so he can get some sleep before his long day of meetings. He’s well compensated for all this, but it’s still lonely and tiring.

As I said in my original post, just because you can’t understand something, doesn’t mean it’s wrong, so please try not to be so judge-y: we all make different choices and compromises.

He’s having a laugh! You’ve got three children, one of which is disabled and he wants to sleep away from home because he doesn’t want to get up early, or pay for parking?! I’d be telling him to bloody give his head a wobble!

Do you think he shouldn’t have fathered three children then?

I bet he’s loving it. Gets to bugger off and escape from his children most of the time and a nice sleep and mummy and daddies house.

If you can’t move, can he transfer? (for the greater good 😁, sorry couldn’t resist).

My DH is away minimum 2 nights a week for work. Atleast he's honest about how relaxing it is in the evening : going to a restaurant, cinema, sleep in a nice hotel room.

Compromise, he stays at his parents on the most difficult shifts a certain amounts of times a month.
Shift work is a killer especially with a commute too.
Agree he only does it for so many years then looks for something more local if possible.

4:30 isn't that early my DH gets up at that time if he's going into work and at 5:00 if he's not, I'm usually up at 5:30.

Oh, here we go ….

Move house if it’s bothering you.🤷‍♀️🙄

When your child has SEND, careers are often impacted to care for them and you have to sacrifice promotions. As a mum of a SEN child I’ve had to give up my career sadly.

Is there another role your DH can take that doesn’t have these unreasonable hours? A step down even?

I don’t think people understand, unless they e lived in the same circumstances.

My husband worked away for years. It was pretty lonely and miserable for him a lot of the time. I was at home with the kids and I think I had the better end of the deal.

Why is this so hard for me? I’m trying to be supportive honestly but I just feel so alone and it’s making me irritable. So.., how I can STOP being unreasonable about this?? @ladyrushford

It's hard for you because it's sh@t for you and great for him.
It's hard because it *is" hard and you are alone.

Why do you want to stop BU? Is it to make life easier for your DH?

From your updates its clear you are facilitating your DH's career by sacrificing your own health - physically tired and emotionally draught alone and frustrated.

What's in it for you? If you really want to stop BU then you need something to hold on to that makes it worth it for YOU otherwise you can gaslight yourself all you want but the resentment will continue to build.