To be angry my husband sleeps at his mums 3-5 nights at a time when he’s working?

[ladyrushford]

Ok. I feel like I am being unreasonable but I guess I want an outside perspective too.

DH has been recently promoted at work (copper). I am very proud of him. It’s meant that our family life has had to change as he’s doing a combination of early shifts (7 am start), late (3pm start) and a set of nights every four weeks. He tends to work six days, three or four off.

We live in outside of London, where he works, and the trains don’t always run early enough for him to get to work in time so when he started I made the suggestion of him using his parents house in SE London as his emergency base, in case of cancelled trains etc. But since he’s started he’s actually spending long stretches there - not a night or two, but three or four days on the trot. May half he was there all week as he worked nights.

We have 3 kids, our eldest is disabled and attends specialist school. I was able to get transport over Easter so I wasn’t running three kids to three separate locations on my own (DH used to work from home three days a week in his old role). I also work full time but I work from home. I don’t have any network - I live far away from relatives, no siblings, and I’ve not made many friends around here since we moved 2 years ago. In short, when he’s not at home I have absolutely no back up, respite etc. It’s relentless.

So tonight I got annoyed when he announced he was going to stay at his parents for another four days because otherwise to get to work he’d have to be up at 4.30am to drive to a station to get his trains. The kids got upset so he’s staying but he’s furious with me and gone to bed without a word to anyone, reminding me that he has to be up in ‘a few hours.’

I feel terrible now. Why is this so hard for me? I’m trying to be supportive honestly but I just feel so alone and it’s making me irritable. So.., how I can STOP being unreasonable about this??

What about working on the commutes - can you move closer to dh work and move the schools there also, or move Closer to the schools?

Sorry I wasn’t trying to be offensive. I was kind of paraphrasing my husband.

Im not surprised.
OP gets hr village and duck pond, whilst her DH has a 1 hours commute each way at 4.30am. Sounds shit

We live here to be closer to my son’s highly specialist school. It’s the only one in the country. And my husband doesn’t want to live in SE London - he’s from there and was the one who wanted to move. He’s staying at parents due to train running times but I’m finding it hard to be on my own so much.

He needs to change jobs.

These hours don’t work when you have three kids unless you have a particular set up at home that enables it. You don’t.

So when he is on early starts, can he come home for the evening, have dinner, then drive back to his parents house at about 8pm?
If he’d be going to bed then anyway it wouldn’t make any difference to the rest of the family, and he’d be able to get up a bit later to make up for going to bed later at his parents.

This is why promotions are not all about the extra cash or responsibilities. They have to be considered in the context of your life away from work. Can he drive to a nearer station to park up. Can he alternate staying in London with coming home. I think it might be more than the reduced commute that is attractive. Maybe to be away from the challenges of 3 children and additional needs of one is an additional reason.

Sorry I feel like I need to keep adding important points. It’s hard to know what to include!

1. the main reason we live where we live is so my son doesn’t have to commute to his specialist school. There’s only one in the UK and it took a long legal battle to get him in. The journey took an hour a day and exhausted him. So we moved (also DH was very anxious to get away from London and I was happy to go wherever)
2. he actually has about a hour and a half commute on normal days. So it’s pretty rough on him, I’m not denying that. It’s the train times that don’t mesh with his new shift pattern.
3. i guess I’m struggling to cope on my own. I work all week, and then if he’s working a big stretch over the weekend I find I’m tired and a bit flat for the kids, particularly with our youngest who is only three.
4. the village is very small and literally has a duck pond. It’s not why we moved here. I was attempting to be ironic but didn’t quite pull it off.
5. He’s just spent two years studying for his promotion so I doubt he’ll consider getting another job but never say never.

but can I just say thanks to everyone for the responses and advice? Sometimes I feel very alone in my life and this has been quite nice to reach out and answers.

My DH also works in London and we live 1.30 hours away. He stays in London during the week. It’s hard, I look after DC on my own and work. But the commute would be too much.

if I insisted, he’d look for a new job. But I put up with it. For now.

Agree With this

oh my goodness. What a woman you are! That must be tough on everyone. And here’s me moaning about a few days at a time.

maybe I should posted this as AITA 😂😂🙈

He just needs to drive in when he’s on days and stay at his mums when he’s on nights. It’s got to be about compromise

You are being unreasonable in the face of a very difficult scenario. If you've got to be close to your son's school, you need to talk to your DH about if your family can survive this or if he can get another job..

If I was him, with that working pattern and commute, I would 100% want to sleep closer to work when on shift. This isn't office work. You can't coast it when you're tired or have spent three hours of the day commuting. It's crap for you though.

Yes. Thank you. I won’t put that pressure on him. He’s a great man and a brilliant dad/husband and I so pleased he’s moving on in his career. He’s one of the good ones I swear!

I guess I’m just venting and sounding off.

Sounds like he needs to consider a transfer to your local force?

Yes but he simply isn't a good dad or husband as he left all the hard work to you. Tell him you've found a great job 2 hours away. He has to swap roles. I bet he would laugh in you'd face!
Unless He is on 60k plus.. this isn't worth it. Of course its easier living with mummy
He has checked out and made it unsustainable for you.
You will end up having abbreakdown due to stress etc.
Most women would not choose a married life like yours.

I get it.

Four kids, all with hobbies,work full time, and DH is away all week, every week. It’s blooming hard and I have had to consciously put boundaries and good habits in place to prevent myself burning out.

I do sometimes become resentful, so I get it, but a few things help.

Firstly, I remind myself that DH is not having some incredible life away from us and ‘opting out’ of family life to enable this. He sleeps alone in some anonymous hotel or on a plane four nights a week. That’s not fun.

Secondly, I remember that this is a choice we have made, rather than a situation we have been forced into. We have made choices which have shaped our family life to look like this. In order for him to have a good career, and for me to do a job I really enjoy, and the children to lead rich, full lives, we have sacrificed us all being together every evening, and required me to shoulder it all and DH to be away from us. In our case, DH earns well, which is obviously a factor, but it feels like this is the case for you too OP: you have consciously chosen to live where you are etc. Maybe being a lone parent for a number of nights is the cost of that. Which is hard, but maybe true: in my case at least, that’s the price we’ve chosen (both tacitly and actively) to pay. I’ve found owning our choice actually very helpful at times when I’ve been angry and resentful.

And before people pile on, we have a brilliant marriage and DH has a great relationship with his children. Just because you wouldn’t choose it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t work for some people.

Only you (both of you together) can decide if this is set up is worth it. It is hard though and you’re not alone.

Possibly. He’s 44 so only got another 11 years of active service left anyway so it may never happen.

I'm confused OP. Is the issue that you expected him to stop at his parents after his lates and nights, but now he's suggested staying there before early shifts too?

To me, whether you are being unreasonable or not depends on what you and the kids would expect of him if he came home?!

4.30am to 5.30pm is 13 hours so it's quite a long day, especially for 4 days on the trot. but not ridiculous if he is having some chill out time after that and getting an early night. I guess my question is, if he comes home some of those nights, what are you expecting him to do?

If you and the kids want to see him, chill out with him, have him do some light help with homework, and then will happily let him go to bed in a house that's quiet enough to sleep in at 7.30-9 pm depending how tired he is, then yes that's reasonable.

If you actually want him home because your kids' needs mean evenings are difficult, chaotic and noisy, and you want him there to full on help with difficult kids till 9-10pm, when you actually then sleep till 6.30-7 then yes, maybe a total re think of his job is needed, but until then, you are being extremely unreasonable and selfish. (Not by the way knocking kids whose SEN needs make bedtimes hard, but someone who is up at 4.30 should not have to stay up to help or be kept awake by them!)

You need to come to an agreement about how many nights away is reasonable given his shift pattern. Can you sit down and plan it out with him? I think it’s rough that you didn’t realise this promotion would mean he sleeps away a lot because that seems like the kind of thing that would’ve warranted a serious convo before he accepted.

He’s certainly not a ‘great man and a brilliant dad’ is he? He’s pretty much abandoned you all. You need to develop some self respect and stand up for yourself.

So he’s planning to leave with a reduced pension? Pointless taking the promotion then

Firstly, I remind myself that DH is not having some incredible life away from us and ‘opting out’ of family life to enable this. He sleeps alone in some anonymous hotel or on a plane four nights a week. That’s not fun.

do you actually believe that? That he’s suffering? Whilst you literally shoulder everything and he sleeps in a nice hotel? Get some self respect!

How is what she said offensive?