To be angry my husband sleeps at his mums 3-5 nights at a time when he’s working?

[ladyrushford]

Ok. I feel like I am being unreasonable but I guess I want an outside perspective too.

DH has been recently promoted at work (copper). I am very proud of him. It’s meant that our family life has had to change as he’s doing a combination of early shifts (7 am start), late (3pm start) and a set of nights every four weeks. He tends to work six days, three or four off.

We live in outside of London, where he works, and the trains don’t always run early enough for him to get to work in time so when he started I made the suggestion of him using his parents house in SE London as his emergency base, in case of cancelled trains etc. But since he’s started he’s actually spending long stretches there - not a night or two, but three or four days on the trot. May half he was there all week as he worked nights.

We have 3 kids, our eldest is disabled and attends specialist school. I was able to get transport over Easter so I wasn’t running three kids to three separate locations on my own (DH used to work from home three days a week in his old role). I also work full time but I work from home. I don’t have any network - I live far away from relatives, no siblings, and I’ve not made many friends around here since we moved 2 years ago. In short, when he’s not at home I have absolutely no back up, respite etc. It’s relentless.

So tonight I got annoyed when he announced he was going to stay at his parents for another four days because otherwise to get to work he’d have to be up at 4.30am to drive to a station to get his trains. The kids got upset so he’s staying but he’s furious with me and gone to bed without a word to anyone, reminding me that he has to be up in ‘a few hours.’

I feel terrible now. Why is this so hard for me? I’m trying to be supportive honestly but I just feel so alone and it’s making me irritable. So.., how I can STOP being unreasonable about this??

I don’t really expect anything explicitly. I do all the cooking, pretty much all the housework as I’m home all day working/tidying etc in my breaks and the kids have finished their clubs etc by 5.30 ish so I’ve done that too. Company maybe? Oldest son is cognitively disabled so requires support and supervision in pretty much everything but all three of our kids are lovely, and honestly don’t act out. They go to bed, chill, interact. They are 12, 10 and 3.

I guess I’m a bit resentful that he goes out into the wide world, sleeps alone and leaves the damn house for work 🙈

I do know I’m not behaving that well about it all. I’ll get over it.

Is he really too cheap to pay for parking? 😬

He can’t drive in as he’s not allowed to park at the station and he’s too cheap to pay for parking.

Don’t ’get over it’. He’s literally fucking you and the kids over. You do it all whilst he sleeps every night responsibility free. Please get a backbone

But his day starts at 4.30 and it is such a big difference than 5.30.

how realistic is it for him
ti be able to get to sleep at 8.30 / 09pm at home. plus the long commute. It’s actually quite hellish.

also part of what sucks is having to get ready tip toeing around in the dark looking for your clothes and sorting yourself out.

i don't think either of you are wrong. Unfortunately. Can you set a time limit for the role.

Police have to take retirement by 55. It’s policy. The longer they stay, the less pension they receive. It’s deducted by a percentage for each additional year of service.

Can you reduce your own hours in light of his promotion to give yourself a bit of time back?

We’re hoping two years minimum and then he can apply for the next rank.

This is something you both should have thought about before he went for promotion.

I don’t blame him for sleeping away - those hours are absolutely brutal.

I think for 2 years you guys can figure out schedule for him to Make sure he’s home and on his off days you get some alone time. Non negotiable.

and maybe you get quarterly solo weekends
as a trade off. No denying it’s hard but and end dates helps.

Does he have long to climb up to the next rank?. My friends DH is very senior in our police force and some jobs return to shift pattern and some ranks move out of it nearly altogether and you just work endless hours day and night instead How long is he likely to be in this shift pattern? You are in quite a unique situation in that moving is not an option with your son.

Oops it took me a while to write that question and I see you responded already. 2 years is quite long if there was a middle ground you could temporarily find that might improve things.

I was your husband until NYE . I did 12 hr shifts 5 on, 4 off so a 60 hr week , plus a 100 mile , 2 and a half hr commute either side of the day , on day shifts . And then night shifts were the same but in reverse. My husband did the same but on opposite teams, so one of us was working every single day , 365 days a year . We worked it so the incoming one could leave night shift a bit early , drive home , throw the car keys at the one going in for day shift, they would get on the first train in, and the one finishing their night shift would sleep for two hours , then get up and get the 5 kids to school.

It was hellish .

When he retired , I had to carry on for another 7 years , doing the same thing, but in the end , it was such hard work, I would sleep at my mums , because trying to get home from nights was actually dangerous. I didn’t want to become another statistic falling asleep on the way home. And sometimes , if I was on aid , or late off because public transport is shit to commute after 10pm, I’d have to sleep there then too. I didn’t feel ‘responsibility free’ then , I just felt fucking knackered . I would crawl into bed, sleep like I was unconscious, then go back and do it the next day .

DH has had to step up and do the bulk of the running around, but having done it himself, he accepted it for what it was , a necessary evil. We meal plan easy stuff for when I wasn’t at home, school uniforms got bought in bulk and we had a bloody great planner , but we made it work .

We learned to simplify a lot , and work out what was important to us and what we could let go. The bathroom probably wasn’t as tidy as it could have been , and they didn’t do huge numbers of after school clubs , but we got by. And it does get easier .

I think I'd have told him that on his next day off that we needed to re-evaluate the current commute/family balance situation, rather than him not go. So he knows there is an issue, but not to mean at last minute he now has to get up in the middle of the night unexpectedly (for him).

In my opinion surely he should simply drive in and pay the parking - even if only a few times a week to ensure he can leave and come home easier - is the journey shorter by car ? Tell him to stop being so stingy and pay the parking if it helps home life and means he’s there more for you all it’s worth it . If the promotion opens doors as you say perhaps he can move to a new role that better suits family life soon.
3 children with a full time job is very hard work on your own, particularly if one has additional needs and a 3 year old demands a lot of time and attention (I have one and a elder daughter who’s deaf). So I really don’t think you are being unreasonable without some support yourself. Hope you can both work out a plan to make this easier. Good luck

Def brutal hours - but just because of promotion?

PC to a Sergeant or higher - or a DC to a DS or even higher doesn't mean they always do those hours surely - either he's choosing these horrible shifts or the rosta guy hates him!

When is her chill out time?

So I suggested using his parents as the emergency stop - they are rarely there these days as they are living their best boomer life 😂 so it was just meant to be a place to crash. But he’s using it a lot and it’s only been a month!!

Sorry I was under the impression " sleeping at his mum's" meant he was there with his parents. But from what you said here you actually mean he is using his parents home but they aren't actually living there?

Compromise, some staying at his parents, some paying for car parking, some coming home and some help in the house

fir everyone including the dc it’s a big change and only a month

sit and talk and work out a pattern that might work - trial it and revaluate it in a months or 6 weeks times to see how’s it going

As soon as I read the title, I knew you had small kids

He's shirking his duties

And using the excuse that 'he's a very important guy with a very important job with the Met Police' - who are not known for being mysoginistic at all - or ever!

There’s a completely unfair burden on the OP with three young children, one of home has specialist care needs, plus she works. When he gets his roster, they have to sit down and discuss it together, fortnightly or whatever, because it’s not sustainable for the next (minimum) two years - the OP will burn out, if not from exhaustion, from resentment.

They split their time between their ‘home’ and another property on the coast so they aren’t always there. And if they were, it’s a bit unlikely my husband would see them much as he’s up to be at work or sleeping etc.

His he's on an early he should at least drive back home to see the kids after school then drive back to his mums to sleep

It sounds as if this thread has been useful for you OP in getting your head around this new situation, which, as you say, is probably means putting up with it for now. It does sound as if you are rather isolated though, and are putting everyone else before your needs. Time to have a think whether there can be something added to the mix for you. Reducing your hours at work slightly? Or a cleaner? Or a regular babysitter to enable you to start a new class or activity and start making friends . . .
Either way, keep posting! MN can be brutal, but also a great source of advice, encouragement, and the occasional kick up the backside when we need it. I wouldn't have survived she's job, with its long hours away, without it.