Formal School Complaint - AIBU

[Schoolproblemsagain]

NC

Yesterday, I finally submitted a formal
complaint to my DS secondary school.

It has been a long time coming, but I’m having a major panic that I’ve done the wrong thing and they will treat my younger DS differently.

AIBU to have complained?

I won’t go into all the background details as it’s too long, but the catalyst for finally raising a formal is as follows:

DS Year 11, in the midst of his GCSE’s, has an EHCP and a Pupil Profile. ASD Diagnosis.

School phoned me and said:

At lunchtime, two boys were throwing food at him, he told them to fuck off, he was asked to leave the lunch hall, he refused. He explained to the teacher that he would not leave as he hadn’t done anything wrong and food was being thrown at him. This then escalated to three teachers within his space, who were asking him to leave. He was still refusing. He has been suspended for disruption and is not allowed to return to school unless to sit an exam.

The two boys, who were throwing food and their entourage, who were laughing, have received no punishment.

His EHCP and Pupil Profile states that he will not manage public confrontation with strategies on how to manage such events.

AIBU to have raised a complaint on the grounds that his EHCP and Pupil Profile were not followed, that he has been punished when the other students have not and that he is now missing vital support sessions during his GCSE’s?

I’ve just spoken to DP who is head of Year 11. He said he would try and walk OP’s son out of the hall initially to talk to him but if he didn’t want to go he would just stay with him/nearby. He said the boys throwing food would have to leave and be put in isolation. The swearing would be basically treated as a non-issue.

But why are they making it a battle with him? Why are they putting him into a situation where this has had to happen? I literally can’t get my head around why they were trying to force him to leave when he hadn’t done anything wrong and clearly didn’t want to go, and was seeing it as a punishment. It’s not like there was a big gang of the other boys - there was 2 of them. It honestly sounds like it would have been easier to get them both to isolation, which should have been happening anyway!

The staff are completely in the wrong for escalating this into a confrontation where OP’s son’s behaviour could be classed as “defiance” - leaving should have been an option given to him and if he didn’t want to go then no worries.

I’d like to know how OP knows that is the case.

Schools can’t function on giving pupils the option of whether or not to obey staff's instructions.

I'm currently trying to teach my very timid daughter to stand up for herself. I have told her is anyone pushes or shoves her in future she will have my full support if she tells them to fuck off. If a group of students were trying to humiliate her by throwing food at her in front of 100+ students , I'd hope she would have the confidence to tell them to fuck off. I fear she would just sit there and take it and then cry uncontrollably when she got home. Your son is not in the wrong here and I cannot believe how many posters are being such arseholes about it.

It’ll be obvious if his friends can see them still in school.

He did hear it and said no?

Has OP confirmed this is bullying??

It is undoubtedly deeply unpleasant behaviour but for it to be bullying it has to be repetition of behaviour.

Because he’d been physical assaulted and knew the instruction was wrong. He has black/ white thinking and will be struggling to deal with sensory issues( noise, a physical assault) alongside handling emotions and understandable outrage at injustice and worry re losing his food.

I’d have refused to leave too.

Does it make a difference whether it is “bullying” or not?

They physically attacked another child. Yes, you could argue throwing food isn’t going to cause any actual bodily harm but it’s still an assault (and one that likely encouraged other children to watch and laugh). To me this is far worse than a severely dysregulated autistic child refusing to follow an instruction from a teacher. It literally blows my mind that other people don’t agree tbh.

The punishment for the other children though is completely irrelevant. The only fact that matters is whether they are still allowed in school or not (they are). This shows a clear discrimination against the SEN child whose “defiance” was caused by their autistic response to the distressing situation.

Why were they instructing him to leave in the first place, though? That’s what I don’t understand. Why did he have to leave? Surely the other boys should have been removed and he should have been allowed to carry on with his lunch and then spoken to afterwards if needed. As I said before, leaving should have been an option and not an instruction.

This!
Isn’t the disruption the food throwing?

Exactly! People are saying he can’t refuse an instruction but I’m saying - why was it given as an instruction in the first place?

I suspect because the ASD kid is likely the easier answer than the food throwers…..

Spot on!

Really because if you were throwing food at me you get bet that I’m going to be telling you to fuck off

I know behaviour in schools needs to be managed but i often think its helpful to view situations such as this by comparing what would happen in the "real" world such as a workplace.

Throwing anything at another person is assault and punishable by law. Conversely telling your assailant to "fuck off" is not, assuming it's not accompanied by any violence or missiles in retaliation. Telling someone to fuck off if they are assaulting you is fairly reasonable imo but possibly less reasonable in a school, although these are year 11 children and old enough to chose their own language. However a resonsible adult would usually agree to leave the location if requested and discuss the matter calmly. This escalated the situation but was not worthy of an exclusion imo.

So I think on this basis I would pursue the complaint on behalf of my child but I would also speak to them about managing situations better going forward.

@Darkgreendarkbark you have a really warped take on this. You think that having food thrown at you isn’t assault and that it’s just kids being pricks. You think someone pointing out that kids targeting those who they believe are of lesser status or vulnerable is irrelevant and you think that saying ‘fuck off’ in response to being bullied is as bad as what the bullies did. It makes no sense.

if you were eating your lunch and a colleague came in and started targeting you, throwing stuff at you and laughing at you, would you just sit there and take it?

Also, OP has stated that a specific area of struggle for her neurodiverse child is that they struggle with public confrontation. The staff handled asking him to leave inappropriately. The OPs son has given a perfectly natural response to what has happened to him. He should have been supported and gently reminded that poor language choices weren’t the best response and helped to look at other ways to respond in future. And they should have followed his EHCP. All OPs child has been taught here is that you get in trouble for defending yourself.

I think you need to develop your understanding of neurodiversity!

I have submitted the official complaint paperwork not an email.

I think I am going to pursue this to the bitter end. I don’t think he will be allowed to return as it will be dragged out until he has technically left anyway,

I will keep going, not just for him but for every ND child in the school.

This post and some of the comments have genuinely highlighted how uninformed a lot of adults are about the difficulties facing young people trying to fit into a place that isn’t built for them.

The teachers posting here with their black and white vision is frightening.

If course students should do as they are told, but sometimes they absolutely can’t or haven’t been given the time to process what is happening around them and/or to them.

Teachers expect an immediate reaction - that’s almost impossible with a ND person, the lack of immediate action can be seen as defiant. This leads to escalation.

My DS was not deliberately defiant for the sake of it.

Thank you to all the posters who understand the ND world.

How do you know that the food throwers received no punishment? I'm in a school leadership role - there isn't a 'public excecution' process, in these situations each child would be dealt with through an individual process (including parental involvement). Parents may well discuss between themselves but I wouldn't rely on this Chinese whispers approach for accurate information. School wouldn't share with you the outcome for another pupil.

I wouldn't go down the complaint route, but would ask for a review meeting to look at how his plan was/wasn't followed and agree next steps to ensure there isn't a repeat of this situation. I'd also be asking what restorative follow up process is happening between all involved (pupils and teachers).

Hope he's OK, sounds like a distressing situation.

I haven't read the full thread but as an asd specialist, my first thought is you need to complain. Yes your son swore, however, staff did NOT follow the correct procedure for your sons needs. The reason we have procedures are to help everyone involved.
Punishments can be dealt with after the situation is dealt with.

For all responses saying he wont get away with swearing in the real world.

He isnt in the big world yet and school should be helping him learn how to navigate the real world- hence the strategies in place

OP focus on staffs failure to follow through on strategies as you have every right to complain

Thanks for the reiteration. I am well versed in ND and know many children of senior school age in school so this (out of school etc is different). In fact many because things are so very black and white know that that language in a school setting is wrong.

But no I won’t make excuses for kids throwing food but it is still wrong to use that language on a school setting. They are both wrong caused by the actions of the original kids throwing food (which would be good to understand - was it one raisin or a whole meal) because a raisin isn’t exactly being under attack.

But we don’t know. We really don’t know. The OP won’t know what their punishment (if any) happened for those boys.

I would also suggest that given the punishments that we aren’t getting the full story from both sides and just the injustice of the OPs son.

There are other possible punishments than exclusion from school.

I guess what people are saying is that OP’s son has clearly been punished more severely as he isn’t allowed in school and they are.