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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not pay ex husband back money I owe him

73 replies

FastMintSheep · 06/06/2025 19:52

Hey me again,so I have left my husband of 17 years due to domestic abuse,I owe him around 2000 pounds,I’m currently on benefits and pip we have 5 children together,so the money I borrowed of him was for things like food,gas electric etc all while he was living with me for example I would lend £20 of him to make a dinner but he would eat the food aswell or I would put fuel in the car and he would use the car,he never gave me money for dc ,over the years he used to control finances I don’t work due to disability,he doesn’t worked because he wanted to bring the children up with me,he would save money out the benefits we got for dc which is around 12k now he has given this to his sister to look after he always insists the money is for dc but I know they will never get it!my family have told me not to give him a penny and I don’t owe him anything aibu to not pay him?some outside advice would be much appreciated

OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 06/06/2025 19:57

Of course you don't owe him anything, he gave you money to buy food for your children, that's what often happens in relationships.
Do not give him a bean, and ask his sister for the child benefit that should have been used for the benefit of your children. That is why it's called child benefit

DelphiniumBlue · 06/06/2025 20:00

You don’t owe him anything. He should have been paying to feed his children. Thank goodness you don’t have to put up with his selfishness any more- well done for making the break.
And that 12k isn’t his if it was money received from a joint claim, he owes you half of that.

myfourbubbas1 · 06/06/2025 20:01

FastMintSheep · 06/06/2025 19:52

Hey me again,so I have left my husband of 17 years due to domestic abuse,I owe him around 2000 pounds,I’m currently on benefits and pip we have 5 children together,so the money I borrowed of him was for things like food,gas electric etc all while he was living with me for example I would lend £20 of him to make a dinner but he would eat the food aswell or I would put fuel in the car and he would use the car,he never gave me money for dc ,over the years he used to control finances I don’t work due to disability,he doesn’t worked because he wanted to bring the children up with me,he would save money out the benefits we got for dc which is around 12k now he has given this to his sister to look after he always insists the money is for dc but I know they will never get it!my family have told me not to give him a penny and I don’t owe him anything aibu to not pay him?some outside advice would be much appreciated

You owe him nothing at all. He hasn't lent you that money, surely he was simply contributing to the household? Sounds like he's managed to squirrel away a nice little nestegg during that time and I'm assuming you came away with chuff all. Probably entrusted his sister with it so that it's hidden money in terms of benefits etc

TomatoSandwiches · 06/06/2025 20:02

You owe him fuck all imo.

maddening · 06/06/2025 20:18

Expenses while you were living together were family living expenses and you don't owe him for that surely.

Original poster
FastMintSheep · 06/06/2025 22:09

DelphiniumBlue · 06/06/2025 20:00

You don’t owe him anything. He should have been paying to feed his children. Thank goodness you don’t have to put up with his selfishness any more- well done for making the break.
And that 12k isn’t his if it was money received from a joint claim, he owes you half of that.

Yes he does but I have no way of getting it,we are not married legally he is a Muslim to it was a Islamic ceremony so not a legal marriage I will never see a penny of that sadly it would of come in so much use now ds driving lessons etc

OP posts:
Original poster
FastMintSheep · 06/06/2025 22:11

myfourbubbas1 · 06/06/2025 20:01

You owe him nothing at all. He hasn't lent you that money, surely he was simply contributing to the household? Sounds like he's managed to squirrel away a nice little nestegg during that time and I'm assuming you came away with chuff all. Probably entrusted his sister with it so that it's hidden money in terms of benefits etc

Show quote history

No he wasn’t contributing to the household I used to have to go to foods banks while he was sitting there with £750 in his wallet I feel so stupid

OP posts:
Original poster
FastMintSheep · 06/06/2025 22:12

maddening · 06/06/2025 20:18

Expenses while you were living together were family living expenses and you don't owe him for that surely.

According to him I do all he spends his benefit money on is weed and tobacco he is very tight with money

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 06/06/2025 22:16

You don’t owe him anything.

Dont respond to any requests for it. Claim cms. Look into doing the freedom programme.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 06/06/2025 22:19

FastMintSheep · 06/06/2025 22:11

No he wasn’t contributing to the household I used to have to go to foods banks while he was sitting there with £750 in his wallet I feel so stupid

Show quote history

What?!

CountryQueen · 06/06/2025 22:19

Tell him to take it out of the 12k cause you’re never seeing that anyway and neither are the kids. Then claim CMS and block him on everything apart from one email set up only for him.

Grimtastic · 06/06/2025 22:21

Is he working now? Can you claim CMS?

spicemaiden · 06/06/2025 22:23

Hes financially abusive - you owe him zip

Darkgreendarkbark · 06/06/2025 22:24

In many, many ways, your ex husband does not know what marriage is. Imagine "lending" your spouse money to pay a household bill, WTAF.

Will the finances not be sorted out between you in the divorce process? Tell him your lawyer will deal with his!

Original poster
FastMintSheep · 06/06/2025 22:34

Idontjetwashthefucker · 06/06/2025 22:19

What?!

Show quote history

Yes I know he would even eat the food from there I can’t believe it now looking back but I still doubt my logic I have a lot of work ahead of me mental health etc he has done alit of damage to me

OP posts:
Original poster
FastMintSheep · 06/06/2025 22:36

Darkgreendarkbark · 06/06/2025 22:24

In many, many ways, your ex husband does not know what marriage is. Imagine "lending" your spouse money to pay a household bill, WTAF.

Will the finances not be sorted out between you in the divorce process? Tell him your lawyer will deal with his!

We are not actually married according to English law he is a Muslim I am a white lady we had a Islamic marriage which means nothing in this country

OP posts:
Original poster
FastMintSheep · 06/06/2025 22:36

spicemaiden · 06/06/2025 22:23

Hes financially abusive - you owe him zip

Thankyou

OP posts:
Darkgreendarkbark · 06/06/2025 22:37

FastMintSheep · 06/06/2025 22:36

We are not actually married according to English law he is a Muslim I am a white lady we had a Islamic marriage which means nothing in this country

Show quote history

Ah, right. Well, he certainly has no legal claim to anything of yours then. What a joke - call himself a man and ask his wife to reimburse him for the family dinner ingredients! He's been poncing off you like a loser.

Original poster
FastMintSheep · 06/06/2025 22:38

Grimtastic · 06/06/2025 22:21

Is he working now? Can you claim CMS?

No he has never worked he is claiming universal credit

OP posts:
Oldwmn · 06/06/2025 22:41

FastMintSheep · 06/06/2025 22:38

No he has never worked he is claiming universal credit

Show quote history

How on earth is he getting away with that?

Original poster
FastMintSheep · 06/06/2025 22:41

CountryQueen · 06/06/2025 22:19

Tell him to take it out of the 12k cause you’re never seeing that anyway and neither are the kids. Then claim CMS and block him on everything apart from one email set up only for him.

He doesn’t know how to email only text,whatsapp etc but I have told him to take it out the money seeing as it’s mine

OP posts:
Original poster
FastMintSheep · 06/06/2025 22:43

Darkgreendarkbark · 06/06/2025 22:37

Ah, right. Well, he certainly has no legal claim to anything of yours then. What a joke - call himself a man and ask his wife to reimburse him for the family dinner ingredients! He's been poncing off you like a loser.

Show quote history

Yes I know,it helps though to hear other people say it aswell 🙂

OP posts:
Original poster
FastMintSheep · 06/06/2025 22:44

Oldwmn · 06/06/2025 22:41

How on earth is he getting away with that?

Show quote history

i am disabled so he has always claimed carers allowance for me even though he didn’t look after me and physically,mentally and financially abused me

OP posts:
caringcarer · 06/06/2025 23:11

Surely the main thing is you have got away from him now. Put in a claim for CMS. Even if he's unemployed he will have to pay something. Do you have disabled DC? Are you saying he has taken their PIP money or their UC money? You don't owe him shit. Just cut him off and move on with your life. It's sounds as if you showed real courage escaping from him. Well done. Your life will be better without him in it.

caringcarer · 06/06/2025 23:12

Also make sure you claim the child benefit for DC. If he's claiming it ring them and tell them DC live with you not him.