Nieces and nephews not invited to wedding.

[EugenieGreen]

I want to ask my brother why he hasn’t asked my children to his wedding, not ask for an invitation for them, it is his wedding but I want to know why they are not invited and if he considered them. What does he think of them?

Right I have three children, almost adults, youngest is 16. My sister has 2 who are slightly younger. All well behaved.

I was very upset when my husband’s brother did not invite my kids to his wedding 17 years ago.

Now my own brother is getting married for a second time ( SiL’s first trip down the aisle). His children are obviously invited who are same age as mine give or take).

No money is being spared and space is not an issue.

Who they invite is up to them so all I want to do is ask him why he doesn’t want his nieces and nephews there. Do they mean nothing to him?

This seems like the answer

I just did and I do apologise for jumping the gun in my original comment.

the memorial was not your fault and I too would have assumed i was ‘invited’

for what it’s worth , I think your kids should have been invited to the wedding.

sorry if my comment made you feel miserable.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say you are not being unreasonable, because family is important and they are your brothers nieces and nephews.
Its really sad that weddings are often not the family events they used to be. I would be hurt too.
Of course it's his wedding his choice but it says everything you need to know about how important his almost adult nieces are nephews are to him.
It also would probably be nice for his own DC to have their cousin's there so they aren't stuck with a load of old people!

It also would probably be nice for his own DC to have their cousin's there so they aren't stuck with a load of old people!

You've just said 'family is important', so perhaps they like being 'stuck with a load of old people' who they love?

It is his wedding you know that right? It is not about your children

It’s perfectly ok to restrict invitations to one generation of connection - siblings but not their children - when you have large numbers to manage or a venue that can only accommodate a certain capacity.

If he’d invited one sister’s children and not the other I could understand that causing trouble. But he’s treating everyone the same.

Your children may be the centre of your world but they aren’t the centre of your brother and his fiancée’s world.

The good thing is your children are old enough to be left without a babysitter, so you can attend without them. I've not attended weddings when I couldn't bring a brand new baby that was nursing.

You'd hope at 16 your brother would have enough of a relationship with them to invite them, but clearly he doesn't. Your children will draw their own conclusions and I wouldn't be surprised if they aren't close to him going forward. He's sent them a message about their place in his life.

We got married in 2010 in a big castle type place - 120 invites - and only two children - ours. Simple. They were 3 and 5ish - nobody complained/asked why their kids weren't invited - it was just the way it was. Lots stayed for the night before and the night of the wedding day and I'm sure most enjoyed having a few days away from their own kid duty tbh. Why do people feel you can question an invite to an event?

We did question it when our newborn was excluded from a wedding of a sibling in another city about five hours away from our home. We thought maybe they weren't aware of the issue, given they had no children of their own. We thought better to raise it with them than just say we can't come without giving reason. It would have looked so uncaring and maybe like we didn't want to come. After explaining to them that we couldn't leave such a small baby so far away (our only childcare was in that area) and that we wouldn't be able to come without the baby, we felt at peace about declining.

We questioned it to give them a chance to have us there if they wanted it. So soon after birth, it was actually easier to just stay home, so it was for them, not us.

When my dsis got married, all the children on her side were older, the youngest was 17, which was my dd.
On the grooms side, they had younger children, a set of twins who were 8 and a 5 year old sibling.
They didn't want them at the wedding, especially the twins who are over indulged and badly behaved.
So no children at the wedding expect theirs who were aged 18 to 29.
I wasn't bothered, neither were my children, but my elder sister's children, 27 and 25 were put out by it, the eldest is still bitter about it 😂

I can completely understand that and would have welcomed your feedback so we would have understood your not attending - I don't think there was anyone with kids less than 10+ yo as were 35 +40yo getting married so it wasnt an issue for us.

I have been to many weddings with kids and I know they're family events and we have many events every year with all family etc and kids 40/50 for large BBQ's and easter and Christmas etc - which we love with everyones kids - but I don't enjoy weddings with kids - maybe we're just grumpy lol!

Well it sounds as though they have decided to invite immediate family but not nieces and nephews for their own reasons. Money and space may not be an issue (although are you 100% sure of that?) but maybe it is more about the compostiion of the guests and how they blend? Maybe then want an older group? Personally I don't think you should question a guest list at a wedding - unless something is seriously awry.

These sorts of questions pop up regularly on MN and always depressing as they show how absorbed the person is in their own world and people instead of wanting to make the day lovely for the couple getting married. Provided all kids not invited (not just yours not invited) then just smile and get on with it and suppress your obvious resentment.

@Theroadt I would say it's about different expectations of a wedding. You might think it's about 'wanting to make the day lovely for the couple getting married' but I would say a wedding is about bringing together families and the couple making the day lovely for their guests. A couple could get married without a wedding but if they are expecting their guests to spend money on travel and outfits and presents then they should make their guests as comfortable as possible and that includes not causing offence to close family members by not inviting them or their children.

My wedding was child free (except babes in arms) and I made nobexpectations of anyone dressing a certain way or not turning up. You are assuming everyone has thd sort of familh context where a wedding SHOULD be a happy get-together, or that everyone has the budget to invite everyone, or everyone should want a big wedding where that’s possible. So long as whatever is decided is fair to all, not excluding one person’s child but inviting another (for example) then yes I think it is selfish to resent any of it. Too many people think their mrmbership of a family means they can control the decisions within it. If you don’t have that sort of family then that’s great for you, but it isn’t thd case for many people anx weddings, christenings and funerals always bring out the very worst (and best, to be fair).

Does anyone else find these Mumsnet detectives so tedious. Can’t imagine going back to do a search on the OP!

You honestly don’t think it’s relevant that of the 4 threads the Op has ever started… all of them are about events involving the absence of an invitation (and the one where not made to feel welcome)?

the Op even says that clearly it taps in to a deeper issue!

Well I agree with you op. Weddings are to celebrate two families coming together, childless weddings are completely selfish and exclude close family members. My brother did this to and I’ve never forgiven him. It hurt my daughter who believed she was close to them. I always have a mantra now you are entitled to invite who you want but I’m entitled to decline. Family should invite family end of.

Not inviting your own nephews and nieces to your wedding is dickish behaviour, and I will never change my mind on that.

It astonishes me that a sibling would do that.

But I am from an Asian culture where this kind of behaviour is largely unheard-of.

Let’s say said nephews and nieces are unpleasant people that you have had very little interaction with? Ever.

Your rule still apply? @HeadlinesEnough

Come off it. These threads are usually about young nephews and nieces, not ‘unpleasant people’. Don’t be disingenuous.

Yes but you didn’t stipulate “young”

(and these children in this scenario aren’t young!)

so back to my question…. Your rules apply only if young?

Listen if you want to be tediously pedantic, nobody should have to invite a deeply ‘unpleasant’ nephew or niece to their wedding.

But in all other circumstances, where there has been no big fallout, not inviting your brother or sister’s kids to a wedding is strange behaviour in my eyes.

Listen if you want to be tediously pedantic, nobody should have to invite a deeply ‘unpleasant’ nephew or niece to their wedding.

so thankfully there’s some flex in your rule 😆