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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend didn’t get me a gift for baby but invited me to her baby shower

57 replies

Marmiteontoastgirlie · 05/06/2025 20:00

We have been friends for about 10 years. Last birthday she got me a birthday gift and for her next birthday I wrapped and sent her a nice gift in the post as she lives overseas now. She liked the gift so much she started stocking the item in a shop she has and says it’s selling like hotcakes, but then got me nothing for my birthday the next month despite seeing me quite close to the date (literally wearing the gift I had given her lol).

I had a baby shower later in the year which she was invited to but wasn’t able to attend, she had some pretty serious fertility issues so I understood her not attending and also not getting any gift for baby as I am sure it wasn’t a subject she was keen to dwell on.

However wonderfully, she then managed to fall pregnant before I gave birth, my baby is 6 months old now and I have seen her a couple of times but no gift or card, or anything in the post.

She has now organised a baby shower and invited me.

I can’t help but feel quite disgruntled about the lack of reciprocal gifts. I was willing to overlook the lack of birthday gift as maybe she didn’t want to get into gifting for birthdays, fine by me, but then the lack of baby gift too once she was pregnant and the subject no longer sensitive, just felt too on the nose?

I would never not get a friend anything to recognise their first baby and then months later invite them to my own baby shower, presumably expecting a gift from them, I would feel so embarrassed!

But gifts are definitely my “love language” so maybe I am overreacting?

Money is definitely not an issue for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marmiteontoastgirlie · 05/06/2025 20:02

For reference, another friend who wasn’t able to attend the baby shower, gave me a gift once baby was born when I next saw her, which seemed like normal friend behaviour and the approach I would take if I missed a baby shower.

OP posts:
Allswellthatendswelll · 05/06/2025 20:07

Honestly I don't think adult friends need to get each other birthday presents. Some friends we do and some we don't. Sometimes we skip a year.

I'd always get a present for a new baby but not everyone does (wait until you are on your second! Far less gifts). Lots of my friends are childfree either by choice or not so it didn't occur to all of them if they haven't had lots of friends have children. And fertility issues can really complicate things so maybe she just wasn't in the head space. I'd just be gracious and get her something small.

Springadorable · 05/06/2025 20:09

If she's had big fertility problems then babies may be triggering even when she's pregnant. That aside, I think I've only bought a present for one of my friend's babies. It's just not really something that crosses my mind. Babies don't need stuff. I'd be pretty disgruntled if a friend based a friendship around material goods, especially as it sounds like you usually exchange birthday gifts pretty evenly (apart from this year).

blubberyboo · 05/06/2025 20:12

Whatever the reasons for her not getting a gift you probably would still be disgruntled if she hadn't invited you to the baby shower after you had invited her to yours.

Maybe a way round is a very small gift or make up a parcel of hand me downs from your baby. it might make her think "why did marmite give me that after I bought her baby a nice gift...oh yes I didn't buy her a gift"

TomatoSandwiches · 05/06/2025 20:12

She sounds a bit self-interested and a shit friend tbh op.
I'd take a step back and concentrate on people that share your energy and effort.

arcticpandas · 05/06/2025 20:12

It's weird she didn't get you something for the baby when born as she was already pregnant then so it couldn't have to do with her being triggered. Some people are just selfish and entitled. I would decline the invitation (make up an excuse).

DappledThings · 05/06/2025 20:14

Don't keep score. Stop buying her presents if you want to. Sounds like she's not that bothered. Bin off the shower and get the baby a gift after it's born in the traditional way.

Mulledjuice · 05/06/2025 20:16

If she's had big fertility problems then babies may be triggering even when she's pregnant
I understand that feeling- having my own baby shower would have been the last thing on my mind, though.

I dislike giving presents for babies not yet born (happy to give something for the mother-to-be, or vouchers but the latter sounds like it wouldn't work for you in this case).

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 05/06/2025 20:16

Stop keeping score. It sounds like she was struggling for a while. I’d go to the baby shower and take a gift.

Chints · 05/06/2025 20:17

I think you might be overthinking it. Would it really be any more polite of her not to invite you?

Feel free to turn the invitation down but don't spend any more energy picking over deep inner meanings.

Ihavedecided · 05/06/2025 20:18

Baby showers are so grabby.

ThatBluntHiker · 05/06/2025 20:18

Why because she invited you to her baby shower does it state she is expecting a gift? Was it mentioned on the invite? Would she just be after your lovely company and enjoyment at her soon to be happy occasion?

QuizzlyBears · 05/06/2025 20:20

Gifts might be your love language but it sounds like you only give them to receive them back. Decline her invite if you’re that worried!

DappledThings · 05/06/2025 20:20

ThatBluntHiker · 05/06/2025 20:18

Why because she invited you to her baby shower does it state she is expecting a gift? Was it mentioned on the invite? Would she just be after your lovely company and enjoyment at her soon to be happy occasion?

A baby shower is literally an event for the mother to be given gifts. If she doesnt expect gifts she shouldn't call it a shower.

Findra · 05/06/2025 20:22

Marmiteontoastgirlie · 05/06/2025 20:00

We have been friends for about 10 years. Last birthday she got me a birthday gift and for her next birthday I wrapped and sent her a nice gift in the post as she lives overseas now. She liked the gift so much she started stocking the item in a shop she has and says it’s selling like hotcakes, but then got me nothing for my birthday the next month despite seeing me quite close to the date (literally wearing the gift I had given her lol).

I had a baby shower later in the year which she was invited to but wasn’t able to attend, she had some pretty serious fertility issues so I understood her not attending and also not getting any gift for baby as I am sure it wasn’t a subject she was keen to dwell on.

However wonderfully, she then managed to fall pregnant before I gave birth, my baby is 6 months old now and I have seen her a couple of times but no gift or card, or anything in the post.

She has now organised a baby shower and invited me.

I can’t help but feel quite disgruntled about the lack of reciprocal gifts. I was willing to overlook the lack of birthday gift as maybe she didn’t want to get into gifting for birthdays, fine by me, but then the lack of baby gift too once she was pregnant and the subject no longer sensitive, just felt too on the nose?

I would never not get a friend anything to recognise their first baby and then months later invite them to my own baby shower, presumably expecting a gift from them, I would feel so embarrassed!

But gifts are definitely my “love language” so maybe I am overreacting?

Money is definitely not an issue for her.

Using the words ‘baby’ instead of ‘the baby’ and ‘love language’ are totally unreasonable.

the present thing? It’s crass to give in order to receive. Give because you want to or don’t give at all.

nomas · 05/06/2025 20:23

YANBU. Unfortunately you’re busy on the day of the baby shower so won’t be able to make it.

No need to send a present. If she asks about a present you know she’s a CF.

Or otherwise, go to the baby shower and tell her her present is on the way, and then never send one.

ThatBluntHiker · 05/06/2025 20:24

DappledThings · 05/06/2025 20:20

A baby shower is literally an event for the mother to be given gifts. If she doesnt expect gifts she shouldn't call it a shower.

Show quote history

Ahh, thanks for elaborating. I come from the world before baby showers were a thing so I wasn’t sure of the etiquette surrounding them. I am very much a present once born person!

nomas · 05/06/2025 20:27

Findra · 05/06/2025 20:22

Using the words ‘baby’ instead of ‘the baby’ and ‘love language’ are totally unreasonable.

the present thing? It’s crass to give in order to receive. Give because you want to or don’t give at all.

Show quote history

Using the words ‘baby’ instead of ‘the baby’ and ‘love language’ are totally unreasonable.

Your own grammar is poor, it should be ‘Using the words ‘baby’ instead of ‘the baby’ and ‘love language’ IS totally unreasonable, not ‘are’.

Thegreatescape12345 · 05/06/2025 20:28

I think if your usual etiquette for that particular friendship is that you do gifts for these types of occasions, then you're not unreasonable to be a bit miffed.
On the other hand, life happens - maybe she forgot / had other things going on / by the time she remembered it was too late... Maybe she doesn't want to set a precedent of buying gifts for other people's children, maybe she wasn't in the headspace at that particular time and hasn't thought about it since... Maybe she's just been really busy. Maybe she did send something and it got lost in the post! Maybe she's not been able to afford it. You just don't know. Could be any reason.

Anyway, I think it's fine to be a bit miffed but if you enjoy/ want to give gifts then continue to do something, if you'll continue to be miffed at lack of reciprocating then maybe stop the gifts or just get a card for the baby shower. X

LightDrizzle · 05/06/2025 20:28

You have a reciprocal invite; she didn’t attend yours and didn’t bring a present. She is now inviting you to hers and probably hasn’t even thought about the present imbalance.

She may be someone who doesn’t want to get into buying friends or friends children presents and will be more than happy for you to not buy for her or hers. However if you are attending her baby shower I would get something small. Not everything has to be totally reciprocated.

DappledThings · 05/06/2025 20:30

ThatBluntHiker · 05/06/2025 20:24

Ahh, thanks for elaborating. I come from the world before baby showers were a thing so I wasn’t sure of the etiquette surrounding them. I am very much a present once born person!

Show quote history

Me too. Never been to one! Find the whole idea tacky but they are getting really widespread now sadly.

MyCyanReader · 05/06/2025 20:34

The whole gift thing is unimportant and you should never be made to feel obliged to buy anyone a gift.

Did she not acknowledge your birthday at all? Not even a social media Happy Birthday post or a message?

GingerKombucha · 05/06/2025 20:49

Like is probably better without keeping track of who gives and is given gifts and just give a gift because you want to treat someone and don't bother if they don't reciprocate. I also find it weird buying presents for unborn babies.

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 05/06/2025 20:54

Honestly I can’t imagine holding grudge about presents over anyone 🤦‍♀️ I have absolutely no expectations for a gift in ANY situation.

there are much bigger things to worry about. Has it occurred to you she may have had a lot on her mind at the time of your birthday or shower. The fertility issues are huge. For all you know she could have had a miscarriage, her marriage could been collapsing etc You have absolutely no idea what’s going on behind closed doors.

If you’re not already a mother, having a baby will certainly give your head a wobble. You will forget the most basic things. I hope none of your friends begrudge you forgetting a birthday or play date.

pizzaHeart · 05/06/2025 20:58

Do you want to go to her baby shower and are you able to?