Friend didn’t get me a gift for baby but invited me to her baby shower

[Marmiteontoastgirlie]

We have been friends for about 10 years. Last birthday she got me a birthday gift and for her next birthday I wrapped and sent her a nice gift in the post as she lives overseas now. She liked the gift so much she started stocking the item in a shop she has and says it’s selling like hotcakes, but then got me nothing for my birthday the next month despite seeing me quite close to the date (literally wearing the gift I had given her lol).

I had a baby shower later in the year which she was invited to but wasn’t able to attend, she had some pretty serious fertility issues so I understood her not attending and also not getting any gift for baby as I am sure it wasn’t a subject she was keen to dwell on.

However wonderfully, she then managed to fall pregnant before I gave birth, my baby is 6 months old now and I have seen her a couple of times but no gift or card, or anything in the post.

She has now organised a baby shower and invited me.

I can’t help but feel quite disgruntled about the lack of reciprocal gifts. I was willing to overlook the lack of birthday gift as maybe she didn’t want to get into gifting for birthdays, fine by me, but then the lack of baby gift too once she was pregnant and the subject no longer sensitive, just felt too on the nose?

I would never not get a friend anything to recognise their first baby and then months later invite them to my own baby shower, presumably expecting a gift from them, I would feel so embarrassed!

But gifts are definitely my “love language” so maybe I am overreacting?

Money is definitely not an issue for her.

Just take a bottle of fizz. Tell her you thought you weren't exchanging gifts anymore...

If you like to buy people presents, then do that if it makes you happy. Don’t buy presents expecting to get presents.

If gifts are your thing give your friend a gift at the baby shower.
Its your choice.

I’d probably go for flowers/ plant/ other present that they can all enjoy.

Gift giving might be your love language it doesn’t mean it’s everyone else’s.

Do you want to go to the shower? If yes go if not decline the invitation

Neither have I, and I don't give a present before the birth.

You've got quite a transactional view of gift giving. Don't you enjoy giving a gift just to see the other person happy?

I honestly don't keep track with my friends of who has or hadn't given me a gift. Some years my friends will get me a birthday gift if they see something I'd like other years they'll skip a year and get me something the next year or no birthday gift but they'll buy for Christmas instead etc. I would probably be upset if close family didn't bother though. Maybe gift giving isn't a priority for your friend at the moment, and maybe from now on you both don't need to bother?

Regarding the baby shower, you invited her to yours so she's being reciprocal in inviting you to hers. I'd imagine that you'd have been quite upset if she didn't invite you to that? So she probably can't win either way.

If you treasure your friendship, just let the resentment go.

Just go to baby shower and then get a gift when baby is born safely.
I personally think baby showers are a bit weird TBH !

I don't think it's about the gift itself, I think OP is feeling dismissed and unimportant by her friend not acknowledging/celebrating the birth of her baby. I think it's about what the gift represents. I don't think she sounds grabby; I think she sounds hurt.

God I don't know why people have to ruin something as pleasant as a baby shower - all your friends show up, most with gifts to make a fuss of you, eat lovely food and have some laughs - with all this high maintenance drama.

You were reciprocal with birthday gifts. She didn't give your baby a gift but maybe she's intending to, maybe she forgot or maybe she hasn't really thought about it but wouldn't care if you arrived with nothing.

I attended my friend's baby shower when my own baby was four months old. I arrived a little late with my baby as childcare fell through full of apologies as given the chaos of the day I hadn't had a chance to collect the gift. My friend mum-to-be burst out laughing and reached under the table for a gift which she handed to me. I was momentarily confused till she explained she had arrived to my baby shower five months earlier having forgotten her gift. I had zero recollection of this.

I think you just have different attitudes to gifts. It sounds like she started the gift giving, so it was probably prompted by seeing something she thought you'd like, rather than a duty gift on a certain date. She didn't come to your shower, and probably found going into baby shops quite hard.

If you want to go to the shower, just go, stop keeping track and letting your expectations sour a good relationship.

Yeah this is it really. For context this is the sort of person who got last friend who had a baby a pram along with some other friends, which would have been hundreds each, so gift giving for new babies is definitely a thing. We actually had a lunch and a mutual friend gave me a lovely gift and card then and she observed that so it’s not like she hasn’t had ample opportunities to be like, oh yes a gift for Marmite woops!

I guess it’s just made me feel hurt and like it’s a signal that she doesn’t really care if I feel hurt or not because I am more of a third tier friend for her versus how I see her? So then I feel a bit like I’m kind of accepting this difference in treatment by going along to hers and getting a gift.

And to poster saying I would have been hurt to not be invited to baby shower so she can’t win, yes I definitely would have been but the lack of reciprocal gift giving makes me feel more like she feels like she’s doing me a favour with the invite rather than I am a respected friend.

Money absolutely not an issue as they are ultra high net worth.

Sounds like a lot of posters see this as unreasonable though so perhaps I am reading too much into it/maybe she’s been part of the lavish gifting but not the organiser so not actually good at organising gifts herself etc.

If gift giving is something you usually do then YANBU about being upset. You're entitled to your feelings either way and you can skip the shower if you don't want to go or don't want to get her something. Make a video greeting card for her, email it and call it a day, or don't if she never acknowledged your birthday at all and just say you already have plans or something but congrats anyway.

I had a baby shower for the baby who is now nearly 20. Wasn't my idea, a friend organised it, but it was lovely. They have been around a long time now.

Sounds like a lot of posters see this as unreasonable though so perhaps I am reading too much into it/maybe she’s been part of the lavish gifting but not the organiser so not actually good at organising gifts herself etc.

Do what feels comfortable to you Op no matter what everyone else thinks. I’d suggest you go along with a small gift, but if it persists in the sense she is never giving gifts to your child - but clearly is for other children - and is then expecting gifts every year for her child, without giving back then obviously don’t go along with that. It could just be an oversight this year due to her earlier fertility issues.

I'd try not to worry about it too much or read too much into it. From my own perspective I'm pretty good with my own family but I'm so flighty with friend gifts that I don't even remember what I've done. I think I've given most friends baby presents but I've definitely missed a few. (I've moved countries a couple of times so that's my excuse.) Maybe your friend is the same?

If you go to the shower, take a small gift. If not, you don't have to bother.

Perhaps have a reset on the gift giving!
Go to the baby shower if you want to bit either just take a card or a very small present and then forget present giving going forward.
It isn't the main aspect of a friendship but i can understand your hurt.

The problem with going with a small gift is due to the high net worth aspect, all other guests will be getting gifts worth £100+ and they will be opened on the spot so me getting her a smaller something like a nice muslin or sleep sack, which is all I feel like getting at this stage, will raise eyebrows. I think I just won’t go. I also feel like I want to give my limited energy to friends who bother, ya know?

Stop buying birthday gifts for her. If you want to go to the baby shower take a gift. If not decline and don’t get anything.

my friends and I don’t get gifts but if one had a pa rty I would get them something

I don’t think you should go.

Yabu and petty.

You only really care about how you look?

Not the gift for the actual person?

If you really feel this way about her and the friendship then back off,but it seems a shame to value yourself and others based on gifts or not and money spent.

I wouldn’t think too much into this.

It Was probably completely innocent and she just forgot. I know both myself and my friends have sent gifts for the babies months, even years after they were born. One of my friends messaged the other day to say she’d just found the gift she’d brought for my first baby (she’s now 7). It just made me laugh.

I would say don’t think too much into it, and don’t turn it into a ‘tit for tat’ situation. I would go to the baby shower and I would buy whatever you can afford/want to get. Crazy that people will be buying gifts of over £100 for it! That’s mental. I would just buy an item of clothing or something.

@Marmiteontoastgirlieyou sound like me x I've learnt people don't think the way we think and they can't be changed unfortunately.
If the friendship is worth more to you let it slip but keep it as knowledge of what happened.
Your protecting your own that's all it is you are right in how you feel.
I used to send my nieces and nephews cards and gifts not to receive anything back I just stopped it in the end as would rather use that money on my own. My reason was if they couldn't afford it a homemade paper card would of meant more to my kids .
Xx

Don't go then, you don't need anyone's permission to not go to a nany shower or to not get a present. But if you want to get a smaller gift than you think other people will then you have the perfect out. You can just say you prefer to do the traditional thing of waiting until the baby is born.