To ask my child to be quiet?

[veryveryimportant]

And I feel mean but I feel like he never stops talking, ever, it’s just this constant narration and it wouldn’t be too bad if you could tune out but he demands your participation if you like (‘mummy? MUMMY?’)

Increasingly at the moment the younger one will start whining and crying and he just talks over her so I have them both jarring my ears.

Ifeel mean but I’ve just told him that I need him to stop talking to me for a while. (He is 4 and a half.)

Yes, it's annoying, but that's pretty hurtful. Can you not just get him busy doing something else?

When my youngest was a baby we used to do "quiet time" while he was napping and my eldest (then 3) had to play by himself for half an hour (was obviously still allowed to ask for help with toilet etc) and I made it clear that I needed time to do other things and we would talk/play afterwards. He didn't love it, because he's a super sociable kid, but he (mostly) accepted it and it really helped me to cope with the mental overload of a baby and toddler. Now he's 4.5 and the youngest is 2 and I don't allow them to talk over one another, I ask them to wait till the other has finished speaking. If I'm busy doing something else and one/both of them are mummy-mummy-mummy-ing I'll tell them I hear them and I'll be with them in a minute. Incredibly it usually works!

Mine used to talk all the time. Her teacher at school said she needed to learn her "inner dialogue" which I found amusing.
There's nothing wrong with a calm "Mummy loves you but can you please stop talking for a few minutes so mummy can hear her brain".
You could turn it into a challenge game.

Encourage child to talk to someone else (mummy is busy, tell the baby or whisper to teddy). But then when you do have time to focus on your 4 year old, make sure they have 100% of your focus (no phone)

It's fine, a normal thing. My mum told me that I spoke incessantly as a child so she once made a bet with me that I couldn't be quiet for 5 minutes (I couldn't!). I used to do this with my sons.

Do people even ask that?

Of course it's fine to tell your kids to be quiet, how else would they learn? It's basic life skill and basic manners.

You don't have to be mean about it, but a 4yo is more than old enough to start to understand he can't go on blabbering non-stop.

If you are in the middle of a chat with friends or on the phone, you tell him to be quiet don't you? Same thing. If they can understand it's rude to interrupt, or they have an "indoor voice", they can also understand they have to be quiet.

I think it's ok to start doing this at this age, especially if he's about to start school soon where he will be expected to be quiet for periods of time. Explaining how people need to take it in turns to speak, read signals for when someone is busy/ready to talk are important life skills. You could practise with him and make it into a game.

I have a friend who still to this day (both children in secondary school) will allow her children to interrupt her mid conversation. It was more acceptable when they were young but is now ridiculous.

DS is like this, he chats non-stop. Demands my attention.
I’m used to it, but it’s hard sometimes. It does annoy others.

It’s incredibly draining but totally normal! I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking them to just shh to give your brain a quick rest. I did with my two!

Agree with pp that you have to teach this. Just keep practicing and they will get used to it.

Get out a “special” box of quiet time toys which only come out for this purpose and sit him on the “quiet time” rug and tell him that this is when mummy needs him to be quiet and he needs to play by himself for a while. Those clocks with the bunny ears help. Start with 10 mins and work up to half an hour. And start training the little one the same.

Start after lunch at a weekend or while you are prepping dinner. Follow through with it and don’t respond to chatter. Just lead them back to the mat and say “quiet time”,

You can reinforce it with humour by demonstrating a closed mouth in an exaggerated way, a bit like you would for listening ears. A four year old should be able to tolerate thirty minutes or so.

Is there anything exacerbating this? Does he get enough one on one time with you during the day? Is he jealous of all the attention being given to the little one (in his eyes)? Maybe good to schedule in 20 mins one on one time with him when his sibling is asleep?
And name it as “Mummy’s special time with “Jake”.”

Remember to stress all the positive aspects of being older: “Jake gets to stay up with mummy after the baby has gone to bed”

”Jake is so big and strong now he can help Mummy look after the baby”

“Jake gets to sleep in a special bed and eat this yummy food with us as he is older”

Etc

Does he get enough exercise and sleep? Does he eat well? Are any of those things contributing to his neediness? Are you getting enough sleep? Are you getting enough support from the dcs’s father? Can you buy yourself a bit of peace and employ a baby-sitter for a weekend morning?

Also try and explain to him how time consuming (in a funny way) looking after a little baby is and suggest that he helps you?

Once you have put the above strategies in place, try and relax and acknowledge that you are doing the best you can, You are deep in the trenches currently op. It’s really hard. 💐

I wouldn’t normally recommend this for parents of young children who need to keep their wits about them, but in extreme circumstances, if your mh is suffering from the noise, there is a brand of ear buds called something like Calms ???? or something - have a Google - which allow you to hear but cut out the top notes of whining or shrieking. Obviously you have to use them with care, never at bath-time for example, as kids are designed to cry and shriek to keep them safe. Good luck!

Have you never said you need to be quiet for a minute as i am listening to someone else ? He needs to learn that there are other people in the world. It is not cruel to ask children to be quiet, in fact it is a life skill.

I have an incredibly chatty 6yr old - everyone comments on it! his brothers barely get a word in edgeways.
Have found a good game of ‘who can be the quietest’ every now and again a game changer… he’s surprisingly good at it!

My kid wakes up with a bang around 6 and instantly starts talking AT me; it pretty much carries on until bedtime. When he was about 6, I once said (at 6am) "I'll pay you £1 if you don't talk for 5 minutes." He set a timer on Alexa and it was the best £1 I've ever spent - he was chuffed and I had 5 minutes to switch my brain on before the chaos of the day 🤣

My daughter used to narrate every thought that passed through her head, I thought it was a delightful insight into how her brain worked. But she was quite happy to talk to her toys and not involve me all the time. I had to encourage her to keep her inner voice on the inside when she started school. I always knew where she was around the house by the sound of her voice. She used to be absolutely bursting to talk when she got out of school. Thank goodness she is an only child, no sibling could have got a word in edgewise.

God I also have the non stop talking children. Two of them. And when they aren’t talking they are humming, singing, tapping, bouncing a ball… you get the idea. I feel your pain OP.

I think asking for quiet is fine but it’s all about how you phrase it. “Let’s both have some quiet time” is a lot nicer than “please stop talking”.

DS was like this. Sometimes I had to say to him 'You haven't done anything wrong but I just need you to be quiet for a bit, you can tell me all this later'.

I used a timer and would set it for 15-20 minutes, so he couldn't talk until the pinger went, he liked switching off the alarm when it went which made it more like a game.

I don’t think it’s hurtful at all. I had four kids in quick succession and two of them were non-stop talkers they also didn’t take daily naps like a lot of other kids seemed to. I set an hour or two every day where they had to leave me alone and where they weren’t allowed screens. . I didn’t feel guilty at all. I was teaching them to play independently and to play together. It also meant when I was playing with them I was able to give my full attention so we could all enjoy it. I tried to avoid that thing you often see where parents are clearly not actually engaging with their kids.
I know it greatly depends on your kids personalities but it worked well with my kids. It was good for them and for me. I didn’t always do chores when they were playing on their own either. Sometimes I just sat and read or something.
Kids need to be happy to occupy themselves on their or or with their siblings. It’s really good for them.

My two kids who talked incessantly as kids are no better now they are adults.

Of course you can tell your child to be quiet. They need to learn to stfu at some point, and better you teach him at home than waiting for the school class teacher to have to do it.

Of course you can tell him to stop talking. People can't seriously think he will be damaged for life because someone isn't actively listening to him 24/7. Tell him you need quiet time, it's as simple as that. You don't need to say it as a negative. Mummy needs quiet time now so no talking. If he keeps interrupting you could set up a clock and show him when quiet time begins and ends. Another helpful way is saying your ears are hurting and they need some quiet. If all fails you could put headphones on and say when Mummy has these on she can't hear you anymore so it's quiet time. It's a basic life skill, and a very important one. If he doesn't understand it he will really struggle at school when he will have to wait his turn to speak.

Asking your child to be quiet comes under good parenting. If a parent doesn’t teach manners and social awareness then they are setting the poor child up to fail.

I bet it does. Why on earth haven’t you stopped it?

It is no wonder children think they are the centre of everyone's universe if they haven't been taught to be quiet at times. I pity the poor teachers and the other children in the class that are trying to learn or get a word in edge ways.

😆 my daughter was the same! I called it verbal diarrhoea 🤣 she also required participation but I mastered replies such as oh..wow..really..is that so?..I see..so that she felt like I was invested in the constant barrage of words being thrown at me! I do remember a few times when I did say…ssssshhhh! I need a little silence so let’s see who can be silent for longest and they’ll get a biscuit??? That worked too! It’s part of childhood, enjoy it because they turn into sullen teenagers in a blink of an eye!

It’s not unreasonable to be triggered by this. But YABU with your response in asking a 4 year old to be quiet. Manage yourself - redirect his attention or remove yourself from the situation if you can. Tell him you need your own quiet space for 5 minutes so you are going to give him a task to complete (I.E. a puzzle, some tidying, some drawing) and then come back once you’ve had some breathing space. But please don’t tell him to be quiet. Imagine how he would feel hearing this.