9m old, FT work, burnt out

[BrooklynBridge89]

The title says it all. I had to go back to work at 6 months, full time. Between working, pumping, breastfeeding at home, entertaining a little ball of energy, broken nights of sleep, I am soooo done. I'm so stuck.

I feel like I'm drowning. I have no motivation to do anything. I'm falling behind at work. Some days I just stare at the screen. For 8 hours. I get so little sleep at the moment (child has been relentlessly teething for the last month), I am fueled by sugar to get through the day. So I am getting fatter by the minute which doesn't help my state of mind.

I don't know what to do. I can't just go away for a weekend, I'm still breastfeeding and my milk supply is "just enough", I don't have a freezer full and it would be impossible to build up. Baby does not take formula. I have no close childfree friends to go with anyway, all my friends have kids or are pregnant. Can't be arsed going by myself anyway.

DH keeps telling me to go out. I don't want another spa day. And I certainly don't want a day with my friends who all have small babies and just talk about nappies. I have to go to a baby shower this weekend and I might jump off a bridge to avoid it. A couple of not so close childfree friends want to go out for drinks but fuck me, I don't want to go for cocktails at 9 pm when I know I might be woken up at 1am, 3am, 5am and 6am.

I don't know. Any suggestions except a spa day? Or at least some positivity? Anything to look forward to? Nothing baby related please. Dear god, nothing involving babies. I am drowning in baby.

Oh and I know everyone on mumsnet seems to work part time and 90% of the replies will tell me to drop my hours but that is not an option. My job cannot be done part time.

Is DH doing any of the night feeds? Possibility? You're using the breast pump, does it have to be you doing all the night feeds? Express and DH can do a bottle feed? You get a night unbroken sleep??

Of course YANBU. It's not physically possible to do everything you're doing and feel great.

I also fed and pumped so know it's a nightmare. Your baby is getting to the age where they're less dependent on breast milk though so there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Do you have the cash to get a sleep consultant to help you get your baby sleeping through the night? If not, you and your DH need to prioritise sleep training because you cannot continue as you are with this little sleep. If you need to co-sleep to get enough rest to be ready for sleep training then do it. Whatever you need to get through.

My ExH also used to try to be "helpful" making me go out or organise friends to come over. Hopefully your DH is better than him at understanding when you say you are so exhausted the thought of doing anything other than sleeping in your spare time is staggering.

Sounds exhausting. I know it’s a drop in the ocean and 1 night doesn’t make up for all the missing sleep but I would just book myself into a nice hotel, order some good food and just get an early night, nice bath, no wake ups.
if you can get someone to watch DC, then enjoy it with your DH. Otherwise leave baby with DH for a night.

I’m sorry OP it can be hard, especially when you feel like you’re juggling everything. Could you not have your night out and then stay at a friends house maybe so you can get an uninterrupted sleep? Could your husband take your child out for the day so you can just have a proper lazy day, pj’s, eat rubbish, watch TV? Neither will solve all of your problems of course but it might just be the proper reset break that you need.

My daughter is 13 months old & I never found it particularly helpful to go out, even if that was to a spa, when I was tired. I just wanted to be able to lie in my own bed and eat shit and watch rubbish on TV!

I have been in this exact position and it is not fun. Sending sympathies. The solution is not to have a night off and sleep in a hotel/make DH do all the night feeds because you won’t sleep well, you’ll possibly even get mastitis and you’ll still be knackered. I would start to move towards night weaning if you can to get a longer term solution. PM me if you want, im on my third DC now and I’m only working 4 days this time (17 months old) but I’m still exhausted.

i understand you, I could have written this myself! I have 3 kids and went back to work with my first 2 at 9 months, still BF, pumping, up til all hours cleaning and preparing for the next day. I was burnt out trying to do everything and my work was just getting more and more intense as everyone knew I was back. I never felt I did a good job either, I probably didn’t compared to pre baby. I was afraid to take time off work as I knew it would only cause more work and problems when I went back.

I have a 9mo now too but I’m still on mat leave and I’m doing things differently 3rd time around when I return to work, with listening to myself more for starters . In hindsight I should have taken sick leave or time off like annual leave. I needed more time off to catch up on things, take a breather, even if it was just to catch up on house work during the day time so im not up late. Sounds boring but it makes a difference as I then had time for my DH in the evening.
Can your company provide you with parental leave, this is mostly unpaid though?

I don’t have a suggestion of what activities to do, but maybe just take some time off. Work will always be there is my conclusion. And finally I found the first 3-4 months hardest to settle back to work, after baby is 12 months the sleeping patterns improved and they needed less BF which made sleep easier.

good luck x

Perhaps now might be the time to switch to formula for your own sanity? (Spoken as a mum a few months ahead of you ❤️).

Is the evening routine solely down to you? Perhaps see if you can adjust things and do a class like pilates or another sport one evening a week for yourself? I'm a SAHM and getting that 1hr a week to myself has made the world of difference to my mood and impacted the other areas of my life positively too.

You need to lay down. Literally. You need at least 24 hours (if not 48) in bed, with the tv on, access to snacks and food and a few cans of coke zero - maybe a takeaway or something pre cooked, endless time spent scrolling on tiktok and mumsnet, and just rest

If you're expressing, can dh take the baby somewhere for a couple of days? His mums, etc?

Its just me and dd so I dont get breaks really, but during half term, we have a free day which is just screens on and snacks, and chilling in bed together. Lovely 😍

You're doing amazingly x

Oh sorry, had to edit, I didnt realise that you were still breastfeeding, I thought you were solely expressing 🥺

Echoing the above, can you introduce formula?

Also, can you have a rest day where you're just feeding and absolutely nothing else?

You most definitely need a day to rot in bed by yourself with trash TV and no pressure to do anything.

Next bank holiday, can your DH take baby off with a bottle and leave you home alone? There's something about being home alone instead of being the one going out that is infinitely more relaxing.

Or if you have any AL available, so worth it to have you time.

Stop breastfeeding OP. The baby will learn to accept formula.

My mental health vastly improved once I stopped trying to breastfeed / pump during work etc.

It’s a massive commitment / responsibility / tie during what already is a challenging time.

Crying helps x just lock yourself in the car with some ice cream and have a good old cry- scream at passers by ( they can’t hear you) also sounds like your DH is supportive so maybe on the weekends when you’ve woken up 7 times in the night just ask him to do the morning shift? You can then sleep for a solid 4-5 hours before baby might want some milk? And yes - try formula and maybe a haircut - I chopped mine into a bob and honestly it just felt like I had some control back in my life- keep strong, you’re doing fantastic x

I stopped breastfeeding for way less than this. It just doesn't sound sustainable for you

Also - stopping breastfeeding means you aren responsible for all the night wakes. Your DH can do them.

This also really helped my sanity.

It’s something not really mentioned about breastfeeding - it means you and only you can do the night wakes.

I also found my baby slept better once I could give them a large amount of formula pre-bed AND it meant they stopped wanting the breast to help them back to sleep.

There is no job that can't be done part time. I work in a very competitive high pressure industry and it was normal to work part time - even some men worked a 4 day week to be with their kids. Even managers or senior people worked 3 or 4 days.

You only get one life - don't let work steal it. (and I'm a big fan of working! I love what I do - but I don't wnat to ONLY do that in my life)

Re night feeds, he actually doesn't feed before 4am!! He just wants me to hold him, he's teething. When he's not teething, he sleeps through the night with one feed at 4/5am. But he's had 4 teeth in 4 weeks so it's been relentless. We have 2 or 3 good nights and then some terrible 3 or 4 nights, worse than newborn days.

He also has suddenly started to completely reject his dad at night. He will scream bloody murder if dad goes in to console him. If he even hears his voice, he starts crying harder. And then daytime comes and of course dad is the favourite playmate 😂

I gave breastfeeding when I returned to work, couldn’t handle the exploding boobs come 5pm. I’d focus on weaning the baby off breast feeding

@MidnightPatrol @Thatsnotmynamee stopping breastfeeding is not an option, he has a dairy allergy (among others) and the prescription formula tastes like crap, it's impossible to introduce to older babies. Paedetrician also advised breastmilk is best for him given his multiple allergies so I have to stick with it.

Does he still need the 4am feed or can you drop it and get more sleep? Sounds like you're stuck in a horrible cycle atm! Have you tried calpol for the rough nights? Only thing that works for our DD

Where does he go during the day when you’re at work? Is he at nursery? We save some annual leave and take some days when our DCs are at nursery and school. When I feel like it’s getting too much I take one of the days. Can you do that to get a free day during the week occasionally?

Same here

You could cut the pumping out slowly if you want something to give and keep bf. Baby will be ok on food and water in the day. If you want to reduce bf you can and keep as many feeds as you're happy with.

Can you ask DH to take LO to visit family or something for the day and give you a day's peace in your own home?

I think 8-10 months is one of the hardest times. Sleep goes out the window for lots of babies, separation anxiety kicks in and it's just like the newborn days except you're back at work. Solidarity. It's awful.

@BrooklynBridge89 you don’t need to stick with it, if it’s making you unable to cope. And - as several posters have suggested - being back at work and trying to exclusively breastfeed is very, very hard.

You can introduce other formula - it will be difficult, but he won’t let himself starve to death.

I had a few dreadful days weaning my baby off the breast - worth it for the longer term benefits.

@ThisAmberShark yeah we dose him up on calpol which stops some of the horrible painful heartbreaking sobbing but he just wants to be held (by me!!) 😬

@Overthebow with the nanny, at home (a small 2 bedroom home and I can hear him play from the furthest corners of the house). So I can't even have a day off at home!!! It's hot as fuck where we live so she can't even take him for a walk between 9am and 4pm. It's hurricane season too, so when it's not incredibly hot, it's torrential rain!

My daughter definitely favours me, especially through the night, but there does come a point where if you can’t cope then something has to give. Baby WILL settle for dad eventually, but they won’t if you always swoop in (no judgement, I get it & have done it myself, it’s easier when you know they will settle for you instantly vs a battle with dad), but you do have to let them learn to settle with dad.

They will, just like they will take formula if they are hungry or at 9 months they would be absolutely fine to have feeds from you through the day and then just have food, some expressed milk/formula or water etc before bed.