9m old, FT work, burnt out

[BrooklynBridge89]

The title says it all. I had to go back to work at 6 months, full time. Between working, pumping, breastfeeding at home, entertaining a little ball of energy, broken nights of sleep, I am soooo done. I'm so stuck.

I feel like I'm drowning. I have no motivation to do anything. I'm falling behind at work. Some days I just stare at the screen. For 8 hours. I get so little sleep at the moment (child has been relentlessly teething for the last month), I am fueled by sugar to get through the day. So I am getting fatter by the minute which doesn't help my state of mind.

I don't know what to do. I can't just go away for a weekend, I'm still breastfeeding and my milk supply is "just enough", I don't have a freezer full and it would be impossible to build up. Baby does not take formula. I have no close childfree friends to go with anyway, all my friends have kids or are pregnant. Can't be arsed going by myself anyway.

DH keeps telling me to go out. I don't want another spa day. And I certainly don't want a day with my friends who all have small babies and just talk about nappies. I have to go to a baby shower this weekend and I might jump off a bridge to avoid it. A couple of not so close childfree friends want to go out for drinks but fuck me, I don't want to go for cocktails at 9 pm when I know I might be woken up at 1am, 3am, 5am and 6am.

I don't know. Any suggestions except a spa day? Or at least some positivity? Anything to look forward to? Nothing baby related please. Dear god, nothing involving babies. I am drowning in baby.

Oh and I know everyone on mumsnet seems to work part time and 90% of the replies will tell me to drop my hours but that is not an option. My job cannot be done part time.

You need to prioritise sleep. At the weekends, your DH needs to take the baby out both mornings until 12/1pm so you can catch up on sleep. This is only fair if you are currently doing all the nights.

@LimitedBrightSpots @Hsmith11

you must have some superhuman napping abilities to be able to nap in the morning. I couldn't even do that when he was a newborn and he'd kept me up all night and I had nowhere to be. Once I am up, I am up. I also work 5 days a week so my body is in a routine I think.

I'm going to echo the advice to prioritize a switch to formula plus solids. I understand why you're reluctant with their allergies but what you're doing now just isn't sustainable and you need to make a change that will ease your day in and day out load, not just try to take a day off or similar. At 9 months they can get a large portion of their nutrition from solids and if breast milk isn't available they will accept the formula because they lose the breast v formula comparison. Post-6 months they can use a straw sippy cup (highly recommend The First Years's squeeze and sip cup) in place of a bottle and a lot of babies take to that even if they've been rejecting bottles entirely or just formula in bottles.

Sit with your DH, manipulate the budget and figure out what household labor you can possibly outsource. Laundry service? Housekeeping (or more if you already have someone coming)? A meal service? Would your nanny help with meal prep for some extra pay (ours does all the ingredient prep that can be done in advance)? Dog walker?

The other thing I would look at is how you can arrange some non-WFH days. I think people really underestimate how hard it is for mums in particular to actually stop keeping part of our brains tuned to the DC if they're in the house even if we know someone else has them in hand, and how exhausting that constant low-level multitasking is after a while. Does your job have an option to go in to an office a few days per week? If not, consider getting creative by seeking out a coworking space (worth paying out of pocket if needed I think), heading to the library or a coffee shop with quality noise-cancelling headphones a few mornings or afternoons per week, or making arrangements with a friend or relative whose home is empty during the day to "rent" a little office space. Even a few part-days may really make a difference.

If it makes you feel any better, I could never nap on demand either

Could have written this word for word when my first was 9 months (including wanting to go for drinks with childfree friends but knowing I would regret it at 2am when the baby woke up)! I was back at work too in a very demanding job when he was 6 months and he was nowhere close to sleeping through the night, it was torture. No advice really, it’s a crap time and no amount of spa days will help but just know it does get better quite suddenly. Mine started sleeping through consistently at 13 months and it’s amazing how fast you forget the pain of being so f’ing tired and touched out. In fact when he was 16 months I voluntarily got pregnant again, and the second one was an even worse sleeper. Fun times.

Just wanted to express solidarity! I went back to FT work at 6 months with DD during lockdown. Ebf, so doing all the night wakings, no childcare due to lockdown and my DH had a job where he still had to leave the house for shifts. I vividly remember the feeling that I was going to break apart with the relentless stress.

Honestly, I just kept going day by day and over time it eased up. My career really benefited from not stepping back during that time.

So I just wanted to say that this is a season that won't last forever, and sometimes its ok to consciously choose a hard path that you know will have an eventual reward. Just try to make life easier in any small ways that you can!

Thank you @lilydragon I sometimes feel I'm going insane and I am just the weakest mother out there. All the women at my work are much better at putting on a front and seem much more capable. The friends who are still home with their babies have a completely different set of issues. .

You're not going insane, you're exhausted.

I was you, FT work, BF and just dead.

It does get better. As baby eats more, they need you less.

Do you co sleep? It might help settling him overnight?

No advice but wow you really are doing it all! No wonder you feel like that. I'm knackered with an 8 month old (and also in a hot country where it's getting hard to do much outdoors during the day now) but I stopped bf a while back. I see that's not possible for you, but as your baby starts eating more solids hopefully the demand for bf will.lessen! It's such a hard phase.

Having experienced similar, sleep was the issue to fix before anything else could follow. If they’re waking up just wanting to be held have you tried cosleeping? I know it doesn’t work for everyone and can be divisive on here but we went from 3/4 wakes a night to none. They’d wake up, snuggle up to us and drift back off. Made figuring out the rest much easier once the brain fog had lifted a bit.

Dh needs to do everything on the weekends so you get a chance to rest and catch up. You are both working during the week and you are also doing the nights. So the weekends need to be your time. For him this includes prepping meals for the week, all housework and entertaining baby.

Don't go to the baby shower. Ignore any other event that does not protect your peace right now. You are in the trenches and you need to put yourself first. Send a nice message explaining but don't go.

I'd also try going to bed earlier during the week. Wishing you all the best

I promise it gets better. My baby woke like that at nine months and I thought I would die. When he started sleeping better when he was about one, every single other aspect of my life improved. I got my zest back and enjoyed my job and everything was good again.

no advice in the meantime but hang in there for better days.

Well only a few hours after this post, I got my first period since before I got pregnant 😅 so I guess that explains partly why I am feeling so unbelievably fed up. My baby hormones wearing off maybe.

I went back to FT work at 6 months with my first and 5 months with my second.
Mine were bottle fed from day one as I knew I didn't want to be weaning them off one method of feeding and on to another before I had to go back (appreciate that's more difficult with an allergy).
At 9 months, waking for a night feed is habit rather than necessity. I gave mine a reasonably large 'supper' just before bed at that age. Weetabix were a favourite and it meant I knew they were not hungry when they woke up so I didn't feel awful settling them back to sleep with no bottle.
It is hard, I feel like I can't really remember the very early years with my two. If you are going to carry on as you are you will have to stop thinking you have to do everything by the book and start thinking of ways to make life easier.

I completely understand. It’s really tough being a mum and working full time. I also have a bit of an obsession that the house always looks immaculate which I wish I didn’t have. I went back to work when my DS was 5 months old (it was only 6 months leave then and I’d used a month before to get things ready/he was almost 2 weeks late). Back then though it was solids at 4 months so that definitely helped, and DH always settled him back down up to 1am and I did after. We kind of did shifts that first year so we both got at least 7 hours sleep a night in some form. What I did do was use most of my annual leave on ‘rest’ days. We had childcare and also worked with each other to give each other a break. It might have been that DH took DS to a play centre so I had a few hours for myself and vice versa once a month. It was just little things and working together that helped us both manage parenting and full time work while DS was a baby. It’s definitely hard work though but it does get easier.

I promise it gets better. I went back at 6 months as well. The first 6 months back at work nearly killed me (no exaggeration). My advice would be park absolutely everything you can for next 3 months so that you reduce pressure on yourself. Avoid booking up your weekends and make sure you and your partner give each other some time to yourselves every week. Outsource anything you can afford to eg cleaner (we couldn’t but it would have helped)! Accept a total lack of social life and that this is just survival of the daily grind. Anyone who has had children should understand.

Can you bottle feed pumped milk at night so it is quicker and work towards your husband doing some of the nights? Although one wake isn’t too bad if that’s the pattern when not teething to be honest. If you were to swap to bottle feeding that one you could gradually reduce the amount to wean him off the night feed altogether. At 9 months he shouldn’t need one (although it’s very common babies do still).

in terms of hope - as I said, we found a turning point after 6 months and things got a lot more manageable. By 18 months I felt like I had a handle on things properly again and had restarted my hobbies etc. By 2 it felt like we had properly regained our lives and we had a lovely balance of family life, work and our own hobbies/social stuff. Going back to work in Sept when no.2 will be 6 months and frankly dreading it… hand in there, you’ve got this.

Look OP the Dr can tell you to keep BF without a care in the world on how it actually impacts your life. Find a formula that works for your DC. I was back at work when mine was 4 months so I totally get the exhaustion levels.

First off, it can be incredibly hard so go easy on yourself!

I worked full time when mine were just 6 months old ( had only 16 mo between my two so was sorting a toddler and newborn also working ft ). Toddler had health issues, sleep apnea etc so I was completely exhausted ! Looking back now ( 17 years!) I honestly don’t know how I got through it. However what I will say is it will get easier and you will get through it even though it might not look like it now

the things that helped me were

stopping milk feeds. At that age they only really need cup of milk at breakfast and one before bed. Stop others.
stop breastfeeding. Seek alternatives and persevere- you can do it
sleep - sleep train, get dh to sort baby - be consistent ( even if in the short term you feel
even more knackered !) Consistency and perseverance are key !
get out every day and do some exercise - force yourself even when you couldn’t think of anything worse! Only had to be 30 mins, a walk, light jog, swim, yoga class etc. do something every day

and understand it will get easier and in the meantime don’t expect to be superhuman

I one took a days annual leave and rented a day at a hotel room. Went, had a bath, ate nutritious food. And slept about 5 hours. Dreamy and cheaper than a spa day or weekend away.

hang in there it does get better!! I’m a few years on now and feel like I have a wonderful work life balance. Thriving pre schooler and careeer going well so it feels like it was worth it

Avoid co-sleeping. If you're utterly exhausted, your more likely to roll over on your baby.

It’s really hard! If you’re doing it - you’re doing great. The good news is it should get easier and easier. Be kind to yourself and do whatever you need to do, to get through this next short stretch. Lower those expectations, then lower them again, and maybe even one more time! If the baby is fed and you’re doing something at work, you’re winning.

I would take any opinions from other working mums with a pinch of salt - some people don’t talk about what they’re finding hard and front it out.

id also be wanting to work from an office a couple of days a week - nice lunch, visit gym on way home etc. I’ve been remote wfh and travelled and honestly, it’s much easier and calmer not wfh with the baby/toddler at home.

I'm sorry you're going through this, I had similar with my second DD.
my little ray of possible hope to you would be that it was around 9 months that ours apparently took a chill pill, she'd been a Klingon from day 1, sleep in bed with mummy and milk only comes from a boob and I'll scream the place down if you try otherwise... I think it was around 9 1/2 months she accepted some formula milk and then not long after that she was happy to settle in her cot and stay there all night... so you might be nearly there.

Are you actually suicidal or are you talking about jumping off a bridge in a 'jokey' way?