AIBU to go up to to this girls mum? School is useless

[Zaina89]

So my daughter has been going through what I’d say is bullying for the last year and a bit. Dd is currently in year 4 and is 9 and this has been going on since the middle of year 3.

the comments made by this girl to my daughter has had some racial elements too it, last year she randomly came up to my daughter in the playground and said “ your skin is so dark” and then ran off, another girl with this girl were laughing with each other and then came up to my daughter again and said “ you have so much hair on your body” and ran off laughing again. For context my daughter is Muslim, mixed English and Pakistani but she looks just more Pakistani, she has a darker skin colour and hair and eyes and thick very dark brown almost black hair so she naturally also has quite dark/thick hair on her arms and legs. My daughter only told me this last year after I caught her shaving her legs and arms in the bath and she’d cut herself on her ankle with the razor and she started crying and told me everything.

my daughter has told the teacher on many occasions, this girl will just come up to her randomly and just say mean things casually and walk off.

this girl and my daughter used to be best friends in nursery and reception and some of year 1, her mum used to smile and me and say hi and then a couple of years ago is when it all took a u-turn and the mum started giving me dirty looks and her daughter turned on my daughter and started being mean to her.

another comment this girl just made to my daughter in the middle of class was “ my mum doesn’t like your mum” and my daughter said my mum hasn’t done anything wrong and the girl just casually walked off and left my daughter upset.

i don’t even know the mum, we obviously see each other passing every morning and afternoon but have only ever had one very small conversation in nursery about her daughters birthday party but she’s always said good morning to me and smiled and then she just suddenly turned and so did her daughter.

shes done more along with another couple of girls in her group and my daughter has repeatedly gone to different teachers and reported this, so have I multiple occasions because nothing has been done and my daughter comes home crying.

we have bought a new house in a different area and my son is leaving tomorrow and starting at a new school on Monday in the new area, my daughter is currently 3rd on the waiting list for the same school but they said once my son physically starts the school on Monday they can hopefully move her up with sibling priority.

my daughter was just casually saying to her friend this afternoon that her brother is leaving tomorrow and going to a new school and this girl was listening in and started jumping up and down saying “ yay she’s leaving” my daughter said actually no I’m not and the girl said “owww” sarcastically with a sad face.

so the school have been told numerous times about this by myself and the daughter, she’s 3rd on a waiting list for another school and might never be able to move until secondary… what else can I do? Apparently I can’t appeal as the class is full.

would I be unreasonable to go up to this girls mum and ask her what her and her daughters problem is? And to tell her daughter that my daughter wants no trouble and just to be left alone? As I’ve said there has been some racial elements in all of this.

it’s just so sad, my dd is such a kind caring girl who likes and tries to be friends with everyone. She just wants to be left alone and so many teachers have let her down, the teachers have apparently spoke to the girl on each occasion but they’ve never got her parents involved and only threatened they would if they didn’t stop. Just don’t know what else is left, I just wish my daughter was leaving tomorrow too.

No I wouldn’t do that. I would ask for a meeting with the head of year, or if a small school, the head teacher. I’d express concern that this has been ongoing bullying for quite a long time and the teacher appears to be ignoring it. I’d ask for the bullying policy and what the next steps will be to address the issue. Do not engage with the parent and make sure you log everything said to your daughter from now on. I’d also make sure that your daughter feels safe when she is in school. It must be horrible for her and it’s not acceptable for the school to ignore this.

No I wouldn't, but I would be looking to move schools.

Escalate it through the school.

Do not approach the girl’s mother, that would be inappropriate and probably counter productive. This is a school
behaviour issue and the school needs to address it.

Has this bully had her 10th birthday yet. She can be reported to the Police for racism

Another vote for escalating this with school. It's happening in school so it is for them to sort. Even if the OP is able to transfer her child to another school soon, the bully will just start picking on someone else. Talking to the parent directly is never a good idea.

If the school knew you would do this, even only when the bully is ten, they might want to act. No school would want to be seen to condone racism.

Yanbu to go up to the girls mum at all, but id prepare yourself for a fight, as it will be a confrontation. It won't be a friendly chat.

I'd have my facts all lined up, comments and dates. I'd remain factual and not emotional. I'd approach her while you're with someone, if poss, and approach her at the school gates at pick up.

Be polite and and rational and ask her why her kid keeps on picking on yours. Tell her that your kid keeps on coming home crying after being bullied by hers and that you want a stop put to it.

What a horrible woman and a horrible bully of a kid!

Hope your dd gets to her new school sooner rather than later ❤️

Edit, hard agree above. If you want to confront her, I'd do it, and then I'd go home, write an email detailing the times that your daughter has raised it to her teachers and state that nothing has been done.

Then I'd state that I will be informing the police and the local councillors of the racism that she has endured, and that the school hasn't done anything.

Sorry for the long post, I got all wound up on behalf of your dd, can only imagine how you must be feeling 🥺 xx

This sounds dreadful for your daughter and you.

My instant instinct would be to speak to the parents too. (Well actually my first instinct would involve more than just a quiet word!) But, I think others are probably right here and that would only make things worse. And, of course, this girl is learning her language and behaviour from somewhere and so her parents might well be even worse.

You have to push back at the school. They absolutely should not be sitting back and allowing bullying and racism. If they refuse to act then speak to the Board of Governors.

I tried approaching two different parents in a friendly way when my son was having difficulty in primary school. In both cases the parents turned out to have very significant problems with anger management and I got in big difficulties. It would definitely be better to go through the school but approach the head teacher. You could also ask about a "managed move" which I think is an official thing and might get your child moved faster to the new school.

I wouldn’t approach this woman, but I would continue to push the school on how they’re going to deal with this. Actually quite their bullying policy to them via an email so you have a paper chain. Give them a date to reply by and if they don’t then go to the governors. This is completely unacceptable.

I’d speak to the school (Head of Year/Head) and provide them with a list of incidents, including dates, what was said, what you did to follow up and the outcome (behaviour contained) and ask why they aren’t addressing racism in their school. I’d ask them for their Equal Opportunity and Anti-discriminatory practice policy and ask them to explain how they are going to address racial bullying and how they intend to safeguard your daughter from harm.

We are a mixed race family and have experienced similar. I would only approach a parent if you were relatively sure they would respond well. In this case you are not. I would be raising this very poor behaviour more forcefully with the school. Structures vary according to size but you need to speak to someone either a Head of Year or the Head directly.

It's probably not the best idea to go to the other parent but if school have repeatedly done nothing then I can understand why you'd be tempted. I'd keep escalating via school channels anyway but if it didn't stop and school continued to do nothing then I'd have no issue telling the other mum she needs to get her daughter to pack it in with mean and/or racist comments and if she doesn't then I'd be giving the mum something to really scowl about.

What do your daughters friends do when this happens? My daughter had an issue with 2 girls, but her friends used to spot them coming and try and block them from getting to her, would defend her and also mentioned it to the teachers. If several children are feeding back the same issues then it seems to get sorted quicker, and children often take more notice of other children at this age than teachers. It is rubbish though that the teachers have not been more supportive

I hope your daughter gets her new place ASAP and enjoys her new school.

What do your daughters friends do when this happens? My daughter had an issue with 2 girls, but her friends used to spot them coming and try and block them from getting to her, would defend her and also mentioned it to the teachers. If several children are feeding back the same issues then it seems to get sorted quicker, and children often take more notice of other children at this age than teachers. It is rubbish though that the teachers have not been more supportive

I hope your daughter gets her new place ASAP and enjoys her new school.

I'm not sure if I would speak to this mother, be prepared for a negative reaction as she has some beef with you for some reason.

In most cases the parent is understanding, but you get the defensive type.

The child is a nasty piece of work and sadly it usually comes from home so you might be wasting your time. DD is so much better than her, she won't change, she'll grow into an angry lonely adult.

The sooner the better DD changes school.

I don't have a daughter, but I did notice when my DS was in primary at that age, that the girls could be really vile to one another. I think it might be a difficult age for some girls. I'm not sure what the answer is really.

From what I remember from when we moved if you have one child in the school it shouldn't be too difficult to get another into a ks2 class as class numbers are less rigid. So definitely appeal.

I have seen physical fights in the playground when a parent confronted another parent. This is in what is considered a very nice area and you wouldn't have thought for one second this would happen. It was shocking.

Never, ever, approach the parent. Always address the issue with school, school have the ability to punish children, parents rarely do.

Look up the school's policy on bullying and see what they are meant to be doing. Book an appointment with the head of year/year group if it is a bigger school as the teacher is not shutting this down so bypass the teacher. It helps if you have dates, what happened etc and stick to facts, she said this, then laughed with all her friends etc.

Also look up the complaints procedure for the school too so you are aware what steps you would need to take if this isn't resolved under their bullying policy. I would be mentioning that when that child is 10 she is of the age of criminal responsibility (different in Scotland I believe) and that you will escalate this to *safeguard" your daughter, that is the key word, safeguarding.

Contact the school as soon as you can to arrange an urgent appointment under safeguarding because they are failing to safeguard your child. Follow every verbal meeting and phone call with an email to confirm what was said and what the next steps are for the school. There has to be a paper trail.

What @stolenlullabies said. DS's primary were very lackadaisical initially, but I got together with the parents of other children affected and escalated via every possible route, including the board of governors. It ended with the bully having a member of staff with him one on one at all times and his mother being banned from school premises and from attending any events.

Go through the school.

approaching the parent - especially the way you are suggesting will not end well.

I wouldn't approach the mother, it won't resolve anything and will just fuel the bullying. I would be making an appointment to see the Headteacher and ask them what they are going to do about the racist bullying your child is experiencing? The school will have policies regarding bullying and racism and if they are not following their own policy, I would escalate to the school governors and the local authority.

Give your daughter some strategies to deal with the bullying, for example she can say 'I'm not speaking to you, you're a racist bully' or 'my mum doesn't like yours either!' and walk away. Tell her to hold her head high and look down on the nasty girls.

If the school aren’t doing enough, I would contact the mother. You could do it face to face or message her. (if you’re In a WhatsApp group) you need to advocate for your child.

(edited by MNHQ)
Have you checked the schools escalation policy? I would go through that. Honestly given what the daughter has been saying I’m not sure theres much point speaking to the mum. I’m really sorry your daughter is being subjected to this, it still shocks me that this is still a thing in schools, I’ve been called a p**i enough times as a kid, it breaks my heart that kids are still having to deal with this stuff.

I think you are right to be concerned but in my experience a direct approach never works - go via school staff.