AIBU to go up to to this girls mum? School is useless

[Zaina89]

So my daughter has been going through what I’d say is bullying for the last year and a bit. Dd is currently in year 4 and is 9 and this has been going on since the middle of year 3.

the comments made by this girl to my daughter has had some racial elements too it, last year she randomly came up to my daughter in the playground and said “ your skin is so dark” and then ran off, another girl with this girl were laughing with each other and then came up to my daughter again and said “ you have so much hair on your body” and ran off laughing again. For context my daughter is Muslim, mixed English and Pakistani but she looks just more Pakistani, she has a darker skin colour and hair and eyes and thick very dark brown almost black hair so she naturally also has quite dark/thick hair on her arms and legs. My daughter only told me this last year after I caught her shaving her legs and arms in the bath and she’d cut herself on her ankle with the razor and she started crying and told me everything.

my daughter has told the teacher on many occasions, this girl will just come up to her randomly and just say mean things casually and walk off.

this girl and my daughter used to be best friends in nursery and reception and some of year 1, her mum used to smile and me and say hi and then a couple of years ago is when it all took a u-turn and the mum started giving me dirty looks and her daughter turned on my daughter and started being mean to her.

another comment this girl just made to my daughter in the middle of class was “ my mum doesn’t like your mum” and my daughter said my mum hasn’t done anything wrong and the girl just casually walked off and left my daughter upset.

i don’t even know the mum, we obviously see each other passing every morning and afternoon but have only ever had one very small conversation in nursery about her daughters birthday party but she’s always said good morning to me and smiled and then she just suddenly turned and so did her daughter.

shes done more along with another couple of girls in her group and my daughter has repeatedly gone to different teachers and reported this, so have I multiple occasions because nothing has been done and my daughter comes home crying.

we have bought a new house in a different area and my son is leaving tomorrow and starting at a new school on Monday in the new area, my daughter is currently 3rd on the waiting list for the same school but they said once my son physically starts the school on Monday they can hopefully move her up with sibling priority.

my daughter was just casually saying to her friend this afternoon that her brother is leaving tomorrow and going to a new school and this girl was listening in and started jumping up and down saying “ yay she’s leaving” my daughter said actually no I’m not and the girl said “owww” sarcastically with a sad face.

so the school have been told numerous times about this by myself and the daughter, she’s 3rd on a waiting list for another school and might never be able to move until secondary… what else can I do? Apparently I can’t appeal as the class is full.

would I be unreasonable to go up to this girls mum and ask her what her and her daughters problem is? And to tell her daughter that my daughter wants no trouble and just to be left alone? As I’ve said there has been some racial elements in all of this.

it’s just so sad, my dd is such a kind caring girl who likes and tries to be friends with everyone. She just wants to be left alone and so many teachers have let her down, the teachers have apparently spoke to the girl on each occasion but they’ve never got her parents involved and only threatened they would if they didn’t stop. Just don’t know what else is left, I just wish my daughter was leaving tomorrow too.

I am ASTOUNDED that the school have done nothing given that some of the comments are racist. They should be taking this very seriously. I would go back to them, as above quoting their anti bullying policy.

Class sizes in y3+ are not as set in stone as in KS1. If you have evidence that your daughter is being bullied and a victim of racism and the current school is not doing anything, that might help your case, as I believe the school have to prove that letting your daughter in would disadvantage the school more than it would disadvantage your daughter not to be let in (or something, not quite sure on the wording). They can go over 30 in some cases.

Have you only spoken to the teacher? I'd be emailing the head. Put it in writing.

Keep reporting to school! Keep escalating it. If they do nothing then you could approach the other parent but be super polite and private about it. It sounds like she’s probably a dick but don’t give her any ammo to use against you and your daughter. If she isn’t shocked and doesn’t profusely she’s a 🤬

Definitely ask for a copy of the school's anti-bullying policy; don't confront the other girl's mother - follow the policy and escalate as necessary.

The school has to report racially based bullying to the LA monthly. Ask to see the records if possible. Ask to speak to the safeguarding lead.

I would be fuming with the school, they could have addressed this when it was first brought to their attention.
Write a list of some of the recent comments your daughter has had to put up with, take it in, and demand the school do something about this...if they don't, tell them you will.

Racist comments are horrible, as is the out and out bullying your daughter has had to endure.

I honestly think it's time you took action. Be calm but determined.

I'm normally very supportive of schools (worked in them for 20 years), but in this case I'd approach the school and tell them they have one more opportunity to sort out the bullying and racism or you'll be waiting until the girl is 10 and going to the police.

Also ask them what their policy is for dealing with racism and how it's escalated. That I'd ask them in writing.

I know it’s a pain, but try and escalate through school. You need to be a thorn in their side. Because there is a racial element to this I would really hammer that home and say you’re not afraid to go to the press about their incompetence and that you absolutely will take it higher if needed.

As for the “my mummy doesn’t like your mummy” thing, that’s probably another reason to not confront her. She probably will make a scene and play the victim. A girl in DDs class recently came up to her and said “my mummy said your mummy is a chav” and my initial thought was alright you uppity bitch I’ll show you chav (very chavy response, maybe she has a point). But I left it. Confrontations on the playground are not a good idea, but trust me I know how frustrating it is.

Go to the school and definitely include the racism issue

Ask them what they are going to do to safeguard your daughter from this and the rest of the bullying

Ask to see the anti-bullying policy

If you get nowhere, escalate to the governors

I'd consider confronting the parent, but only in the presence of at least one teacher. Ask the school to arrange a meeting? When we had similar, the school were not able to do a lot as it was often not in front of the teachers, so they can't record anything concrete. They also don't see the upset child as we only see that at home as the parents. I used the class teacher as a sort of mediator/witness to the conversation I had with the other parent. It went from daily hassle to minimal overnight. The other parent had some idea there was an issue, but had heard from their child that it was on both sides. The teacher was able to bring the objective viewpoint in the meeting. I refused the 'we should get the kids to sit down together and talk it through' bs as my child did not want to even see the other kid and also, mine didn't have a problem with the other kid, just didn't want to be picked on constantly by them.

Have you put your concerns into a email and sent it to the Headteacher or have you only spoken to various teachers? You need to factually state the incidents, request a formal meeting and ask what steps they are going to take. Look at the complaints process, which should be on the school web site. Follow it to the letter. If it's in writing, then they have to reply and then you have a paper trail, which is evidence. You need to use the words 'racial element'.

Pesonally, I'd try to approach the mum first, but I realise that you would have to be careful how you do it. We did have a minor bullying problem with dd which the school were useless about ("but our daughter's being bullied by X every day, every break time...." Headmistress: "But we have a bullying policy!". Oh, sorry we're wrong then. Yeah, that was her response. And then the old bag just washed her hands of us, nevery acknowledged our existence again. Luckily, dd's new school was a lot better.

Go back to school

Ask how they are going to safeguard your daughter, where's her care plan?

Thanks for all the messages. I have emailed the headteacher before about this when another girl in the same group came up to my daughter and said “ when your asleep tonight I’m going to come to your house and murder your baby sister” ( I have a 19 month old too) he did speak to that particular girl involved in the same group and she still says things but nothing on that level anymore, but with the main leader girl she seems to get away from all of it, I’ve emailed the headteacher before about her, spoke to my daughters main teacher, the assistant head teacher and teaching assistants and my daughter does speak up for herself too and tells different teachers and even her own about what’s going on but it never seems to get resolved. Apparently the girl has been told if she continues her parents will be brought it and informed about what she’s been doing but she always seems to get away with it and it never gets taken any further. When I had a phone call with the assistant headteacher she informed me she would speak to my daughter about the situation yet I asked my daughter over a number of days and she said the assistant head never bothered to speak with her which was lovely.

at the last parents evening my daughters teacher told me that the situation was “ better but not completely sorted”

after what everyone has said I won’t approach her but it just feels like what’s left? I got severely bullied at primary and secondary school myself and suffered with problems for years with my confidence and self esteem and still do so I’m trying to fight my daughters corner whilst teaching her to speak up for herself too because I really don’t want her to go through the same as what I did. she’s a lovely, intelligent and confident girl and over the last couple of years I’ve noticed her become more shy and not happy going to school which is upsetting.

I’ll speak to the school again tomorrow and I am also going to keep putting pressure on the council regarding my daughters school place, I’m hoping there is something that can be done as I will be doing a 40 minute each way journey to our new house and the other school with a 19 month old too, and on top of that all the bullying with my daughter, I’m going to ask again if I can appeal due to all of these reasons.

How feasible would it be to just take her out of school now? Keep her at home, let her destress for a few weeks, before starting her new school? Anything you do with her and the baby will be educational for her, and it’ll save you from worrying about her. I’m only asking because you are already seeing damage in her as a result of this so any way to get her out of it would be good imo.

i suspect not many will agree with me, but believe me when I say I know what it’s like being bullied and I know how much difference swift and effective action by my parents (mum, in fact, dad had no say) would have made. If an angel offered me one wish it would be for that, tbh.

This sums it up

Headteacher
Board of governors
Council
Ousted
Local newspaper/radio.
Do not be brushed off.
Do not speak to the other parent.
Make a huge fuss and make everyone listen.
If this girl is over 10 you can report her for racism.
I'm sorry your poor daughter has been treated so badly. It is unacceptable.
Good luck and best wishes to you both xx

I was thinking this too. Schools don't want poor attendance, so if you don't send her in and tell the school she isn't returning until you have concrete guarantees that your daughter will feel safe in school, they will move quicker - this worked for us, it took 3 hours from me telling the office she wasn't in for the head to call me and a plan to be agreed. The child hitting my daughter was moved into a different class and allocated supervision at breaktimes. My daughter was back in the next day. 1 day off got us further than many many meetings and calls and emails.

As you say, their mental health is equally important to their learning. They can always catch up on lessons if hard working, but damage to their mental health takes much longer to heal.

When you contact the school you might want to consider making a formal complaint about the lack of response to incidents of racism and bullying. Its important to call it what it is and makes it more difficult for the school to minimise it in the 'just girls falling out way' that it sounds like the have been. By failing to take action the school appear to be condoning the racist behaviour of other pupils and failing to protect your daughter and to fulfil their duties under Equalities legislation.

This is vile bullying that your DD is experiencing and the school should be ashamed it is condoning it. Do they have an anti-bullying policy? Is there a named governor on it. I think I’d be raising a complaint and escalating it to the governing body, if not the local authority.
In our case, when my DD was being bullied by two girls in Y6, and the school were useless, we got her to go up to the girls individually and say that she knew what they were trying to do by bullying her and it wouldn’t work, while we were in the playground to support her. The school at that time did a lot of stuff on bullying and when the girls heard the word used about themselves they really didn’t like it.
We wanted DD to feel empowered to be able to try to deal with it herself. This did help her self-esteem around the issue but they were fairly hard-nosed girls who were blatant about what they were doing, even in front of me!
I also texted both mums and invited them to meet for a coffee as the bullying was happening outside of school too at Guides and sports. It was an uncomfortable experience and they said some untrue things about my daughter which I was able to correct, but it was the beginning of the end of the bullying. The one I expected to be really difficult had suspicions her daughter was a mean girl, although it was hard for her to hear evidence. To her credit, she checked in with me regularly afterwards. The other mum wouldn’t hear of it but her daughter was being led on by the other girl and having been rumbled, their friendship petered out.
The bullying did affect DD for a long time, as she was friends with everyone and to have two trusted friends turn on her so horribly was awful.
In hindsight I wish we had kicked up more of a fuss with the school (a Christian school, ironically) but DD was worried it would impact her more.
I hope you get a resolution, I hope the bullies get their comeuppance, the school is held to account and that your DD recovers from it.

This ⬆️ and put it in writing, if they can’t produce them, explain you have created a timeline of events:

10th May X said Y to my daughter, I told her teacher/the headmaster/whoever who said Z

11th May X said … to my daughter (& so on)

and you are going to send that to the board of governors and also the LA to inform them that the school is not reporting racist based bullying as they are required to and they need to investigate.

Also, if the bully is 10 report it to the police and if she’s not 10, explain to the school that you will be reporting it to the police the day that she turns 10.

I'm pretty sure that racism and how its dealt with needs to be recorded on file.

It's been going on for years and nothing has been done. Speak to the head-teacher. Write a list of as many incidents that you can remember, try to include dates, times, locations, potential witnesses etc.

I'm sorry this has happened to your daughter. I wouldn't speak to her mum though.

That said, if it were me I'd probably be confronting the girl directly. Not the best of course of action though.

Speak to the head teacher. Ask for a copy of the schools anti bullying policy. If no joy, go to the education department. Start making some noise i think you'll find things start happening quickly.. good luck

Update! My son started his new school on Monday and I got a call this afternoon to say my daughter has been offered a place!

couldn’t be more happier and more relieved!

That's fantastic! Hopefully it's a completely new start for her.