1 marriage and a fake wedding.

[Weonlyhavealoanofit]

My daughter is attending a wedding of an old school friend which is taking place at a stately home with all the trimmings. The big dress, the 120 guests and multiple bridesmaids and groomsmen. They’ve even gone to the bother of having a vicar and a full wedding service in the chapel attached to the stately home (which hasn’t been consecrated), however the bride and groom are already married. They married earlier this year, before about 25 members of their families in a RC church, having complied with all the requirements of that church. My daughter tells me that everyone who knows about the real wedding is supposed to pretend that they are unmarried and doing this for the first time, because otherwise ‘it’ll spoil the big day’. I understand that the groom’s mother, is a very forceful personality who wasn’t happy about the RC wedding and is determined to have a big Instagram wedding, but AIBU in thinking this makes a mockery of religious weddings as a sacrament? My husband thinks it’s just another shakedown by entitled offspring with overly indulgent parents, but it’s the deceitfulness of it all that bothers me. Of course parents want help their children celebrate their ‘big day’ but what is happening here seems so insincere, why would anyone want to start their married life with a fake wedding? Are people really so shallow?

Well, either the vicar doesn't know there's already been a Catholic wedding, or (more likely), it's just a C of E blessing. The C of E recognises Catholic weddings, so that vicar can't marry the couple again because in the eyes of his/her church, they're already married.

Setting aside how there is a chapel that isn't consecrated, how is any of this your business?

I really can't see anything wrong with it to be honest.

And my understanding is that marriage is only a sacrament for Catholics, not in the C of E.

You can deconsecrate chapels which are no longer used for religious purposes. Just down the road from here there's a Vincentian friary which was bought by the university after the last of the community left. Most of it is academics' offices, teaching rooms etc, but the former church is still there, disused, but deconsecrated.

ETA but agreed on it not being the OP's business.

OP is this what you mean, has the chapel been deconsecrated or is it just that it isn't much used. It must have been consecrated at sone point.

No vicar will be conducting a wedding g ceremony for a couple already married or in an inappropriate building. So more likely they are having a blessing ceremony. Which will be obvious to everyone.

If they want to pretend to people it is their actual legal ceremony that's rather stupid as people will know. If they want to have a big wedding and consider the blessing as important to them as the earlier legal ceremony then that's fine, why not?

I'm all for celebrating a wedding that's already taken place if that makes most sense. I wouldn't be happy about being deceived or asked to play pretend.

Is the ceremony going to be more like a vow renewal or a blessing?

Yes I am aware of that - but most priests would not even perform a blessing in a deconsecrated chapel.

Most likely a blessing but that can be meaningsful for people. Nothing fake about it.
How come it's your business? Don't go if you don't agree in the setup.

I'm not sure people necessarily will, unless they're familiar with the differences between a C of E wedding ceremony and a wedding blessing ceremony?

Some people will just clock a vicar in a church proclaiming vaguely religious words over a couple in a white dress and a morning suit, flanked by bridesmaids etc.

But if it is indeed a non-consecrated building it won't be a blessing ceremony, it won't be anything like it because it can't be performed there. If it is indeed a consecrated chapel then the blessing will mean as much to the couple as their legal ceremony so if even some guests don't realise it doesn't really matter. Something will be said at the beginning to welcome people to the blessing. If people don't pick up on that then they probably don't care anyway.

Honestly don’t get why it matters. The couple are probably trying to keep both sides of the family happy.

I mean yes, people are shallow.
They even start threads on online forums about things that are nothing actually to do with them to bitch about other people.
strange old world isn't it

After I retired from my career I worked a part time Registrar of Marriages, and
i could possibly think of one venue where this might be. (I won't say of course).

If it were the venue I'm thinking of, the guy who used to perform the separate ceremonies in the deconsecrated chapel was "ordained" over the internet and was not a vicar as most people would think of it. If he'd online a bit longer, I heard he could have become a bishop.

So there you go!

So they want a second lot of presents?.
Sod that.

I understand your discomfort with the fakery OP. It’s completely valid to have a second event if that’s what the couple wants and they can have a blessing or whatever they like. But pretending it’s the first and only “wedding” is weird.

We knew a couple where they had a religious wedding abroad and another one (in a chapel) in the UK. They were upfront about the fact that they’d already done it once but the second ceremony had a slightly different spin and it was lovely.

Edited for typos

Aren't most weddings like this these days? Forgive me if I'm wrong, but the last few I have been to have just been for show as the ceremony took place a different day in the register office.

who cares? You are not even invited!

You can call it a "fake wedding", it has nothing to do with you anyway. It's a real one for them, and that's all that matters.

In some countries, registry offices and churches/ religious weddings are completely separated. Couples marry legally, and then have a big wedding.

Or people have a small intimate legal wedding overseas or in a local registry office here, and a big party to celebrate later. Again, who cares? They celebrate how they want, it's still a wedding. Nothing to do with you, you don't have to approve, just don't go if it's a moral issue for you.

Some people believe a marriage has to be consummated to be valid, are we supposed to check that too?

but it’s the deceitfulness of it all that bothers me.

Is it really, though? It doesn’t seem like that big a deal. They had a small ceremony, now they are having a bigger one. Who cares! They don’t owe anyone any of the details. It seems more like you have a problem with the big show of expense. Tinge of jealousy perhaps?

I just read the OP again and wow - it is a wedding of your daughter’s friend and you are not even invited but feel entitled to criticise…

But since we are on it, the only issue I could potentially see is people being told not to mention the actual wedding, seems a bit odd. Couldn’t care less about this consecrated stuff as an atheist.

My best friend did this. She had a legal marriage in a registry office with just 2 witnesses. Then a couple of weeks later she had a full "wedding" ceremony, in a church, with a C of E vicar. That vicar made that blessing look near identical to a proper wedding, the only difference was the vicar didn't say "any objections speak now or forever hold thy peace." and when they went to "sign the register" they retreated to the vestry to have a calm 2 mins with the vicar and their witnesses and came out looking cheerful. From the congregations' point of view they wouldn't have been able to tell that it wasn't a legal wedding just a ceremonial one.

I agree with op. It's all a bit look at me. The actual ceremony is the important bit and to pretend they aren't already married is deceitful.

Bloody hell, you've got a lot to say for someone who isn't invited.

Not really the point but I read it that the stately home (venue for the party) hasn’t been consecrated which is why ceremony is taking place in the adjacent chapel.

Nothing wrong with having two ceremonies. You are coming across as a jealous stickybeak, OP. MYOB.