1 marriage and a fake wedding.

[Weonlyhavealoanofit]

My daughter is attending a wedding of an old school friend which is taking place at a stately home with all the trimmings. The big dress, the 120 guests and multiple bridesmaids and groomsmen. They’ve even gone to the bother of having a vicar and a full wedding service in the chapel attached to the stately home (which hasn’t been consecrated), however the bride and groom are already married. They married earlier this year, before about 25 members of their families in a RC church, having complied with all the requirements of that church. My daughter tells me that everyone who knows about the real wedding is supposed to pretend that they are unmarried and doing this for the first time, because otherwise ‘it’ll spoil the big day’. I understand that the groom’s mother, is a very forceful personality who wasn’t happy about the RC wedding and is determined to have a big Instagram wedding, but AIBU in thinking this makes a mockery of religious weddings as a sacrament? My husband thinks it’s just another shakedown by entitled offspring with overly indulgent parents, but it’s the deceitfulness of it all that bothers me. Of course parents want help their children celebrate their ‘big day’ but what is happening here seems so insincere, why would anyone want to start their married life with a fake wedding? Are people really so shallow?

Are they being shallow? For having a nice wedding?

Your husband "thinks it’s just another shakedown by entitled offspring with overly indulgent parents" whilst you're over there professing about the sanctity of marriage. Calm down. Are you a devout Christian? Wore white to signal your virginity? Paying your monthly tithe? Or just on mumsnet spilling judgement.

What would God say about that?

Well, maybe for them the ceremony isn't the important bit? Maybe the important bit for them is the giant party in the stately home and wonderful frocks and food? And the Catholic ceremony with immediate family was just placating the bride's parents (I'm assuming that from what the OP says about the groom's mother not being happy about the Catholic ceremony, that the groom is not a Catholic?) so this is, as far as they're concerned, the 'real' wedding?

I think people on Mn are a bit weird about weddings. It's hardly some kind of scam if they are already legally married and are having a bit party separately. Every French wedding I've ever attended has involved a brief, bureaucratic bit at the Mairie, then a big party, usually, but not always, the same day.

I agree with op. It's all a bit look at me.

Completely unlike a normal wedding then!

Each to their own, and all that, and a lot of people do like a small wedding but a big party, so doing them on separate days works well (how many threads on here about being offended about only being invited to the evening, not the ceremony, so distance between the two is good).

But I think they should be clear about what they are inviting people to attend - and I genuinely can't see the point in going to the trouble and expense of having a party that then also includes a ceremony and bridesmaids and a wedding dress?? Do the couple want this or has an overbearing mother insisted on it? Hope she is paying for it!

don't be daft, the entire wedding industry would collapse if it was.

I do not agree with the dishonestly of pretending you are inviting guests to your "wedding" when it is not.

People spend of a lot of money on transport, clothes, baby/dog/cat sitters, accommodation, gifts, use precious annual leave etc to be part of a couples "special day" and seeing the couple make the one time genuine, official, binding commitment to each other.

To me and many people, the difference between a wedding and a party later is very significant. It is not up to anyone to decide the difference of importance (or lack of) for others.

So, regardless of what anyone personally thinks, guests should be aware it is not a "wedding" but a blessing/dress up party/reconstruction - whatever you want to call it - so they can decide freely if they wish to spend what is usually significant money and time to attend the event.

Not a bad thing. It has gotten out of hand, puts unnecessary pressure on financially strapped couples (or their parents!) and distracts from the true meaning of a wedding.

No idea why you would do that. 🤷🏻‍♀️

My best friend had a small registry office legal wedding on the Monday and then a weekend “humanist” wedding. They both saw the Registry office bit as how they made it legal, but the real wedding was the weekend with friends and family.

My husband thinks it’s just another shakedown by entitled offspring with overly indulgent parents, but it’s the deceitfulness of it all that bothers me.

If I approached my husband with concerns about a wedding I wasn't even invited to he would look at me as though I had two heads and ask why on earth either of us need to have an opinion on something that isn't our business in the slightest.

Do you not have much going on in your life?

I think they should have been upfront in the invite, that it's a blessing of an already married couple, as pretending that it's the actual wedding is weird.

I'm sure everyone will know by the end of the day anyway, I can't see all of the 25 people who attended the original wedding keeping it a secret, especially as it's for the grooms mother, not the couple themselves.

This isn't like the practice of small registry office marriage followed by a big party the next day, it's a big 'church' wedding which is following on a few months after a smaller church wedding, a do-over. It's a theamed fancy dress party.

If they want to waste their money on big parties and showing off, let them!

Ooh what a surprise
OP has done the usual bitchplop and run with this sort of post

But the difference is that in France everyone attending knows.

I think it is appalling to be deceiving people like this. By all means have a catholic wedding then a party with a CofE party but to lie to people that the second is the legally binding ceremony is dreadful.

This is where social media has brought us. People portraying a fake versiin of their reality becoming normalised.

Blimey, you sound horribly judgy 🙄 why are they shallow because they want a big celebration and a C of E blessing? Who are you to judge them, really? I hope they have a lovely day and the people who are celebrating with them are more generous of spirit than you!

Inheritance issues?
Shutting up a “forceful” character?
Not minding a second party?
I don’t think they did anything wrong except the possibility that people who attended both struggled to afford both events.

Why do you even care? Surely there must be bigger things going on in your own life than what your daughter’s old school friend is getting up to?

Do you know all the circumstances?

A friend of mine did this as her mother was end of life and she wanted her to be there for her wedding. They had a small cermony with close friends and family and the big lavish (techincally fake!) wedding later

Even if it's not something like it's still up to them how they want to celebrate!

I really don't think the vast majority of people would opt to spend money on clothes, transport, babysitters to attend a ten-minute bit of bureaucracy in a 1970s breezeblock register office over a lovely party somewhere beautiful, even if the 10-minute stint in the register office is the 'one time genuine, official binding commitment to each other'.

I think you've got a weird bee in your bonnet about this.

you sound ridiculously over-invested and judgemental about other people's weddings and commitments 😂

Sounds mad to me, but life’s too short to go fretting about other people’s crazy decisions. Shrug and roll your eyes, then put it right out of your mind would be my advice.

As someone who is having 2 "weddings" I'm slightly biased but at least only one of mine is religious. Only did a separate legal bit because our religious ceremony isn't recognized as valid.

The only reason I can see for doing this especially with a very small RC wedding is because they got forced into the RC one by a forceful family member and this is the one they truly wanted.

Is this really worthy of a public airing, complete with vote, on Mumsnet? I dunno, to me it’s more something you might mumble about to yourself and then forget about.

You can't have a religious ceremony unless it's taking place in a registered religious building. You also can't have a civil ceremony which uses any religious texts or hymns. The couple are therefore not having a full wedding service in a chapel which hasn't been consecrated or whatever it is you've been told, because that's illegal. They may be having a religious blessing, which is allowed.

All that aside, I cannot fathom why you're frothing about a wedding to which you aren't invited and which is between people only very tangentially connected to you. Don't you have any enjoyable things going on in your life you can focus on instead?

Why the need for secrecy if that's the case?

I think you are missing the fact that the couples clearly consider the big day their main event probably because they get to celebrate with all their friends and family. The other one sounds like the legal side. There have been a few posts like this and I honestly fail to see why guests would be upset.