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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is very normal for a 3yo in this situation

92 replies

ARichtGoodDram · 04/06/2025 10:06

I'm being driven mad by a couple of well meaning, but I believe OTT relatives, and I've gone from being 100% confident to now wondering if I'm being lax in not being overly worried about this specific issue.

DN is 3.5. He's had a massive amount of upheaval in his life in the last 10 months.

His Mummy was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He went from 2 days at nursery to 5 days to allow her to have treatment and rest.

Then the relative who was going to be taking him in moved in with them. So that was a big change as it had always been just him and his mum.
Then after 8 weeks it wasn't working with relatives job so he and his Mum moved into relatives home.
Then shortly after that relative and his Mum accepted that it wasn't going to work. The relatives job and life just didn't work with a child and they couldn't cope. So he and his Mum went home.

After lots of discussions it was decided he would come to us. Initially his Mum didn't want that as we have 6 children (3 are adults) including one with high needs so, understandably, she was worried he wouldn't get what he needed.

He and Mum moved in with us for the last 8 weeks of Mum's life. He has been with us since, and will be staying (all official).

Annoyingly we had to change his nursery unexpectedly so that was another unforeseen big change.

The issue people are seeing is that he follows me around constantly. He hates if I go into a different room and he can't hear or see me. I deal with this by chatting to him constantly or singing. He will accept if we explain that I have to go somewhere without him, but is quiet/subdued until I return. He also sits very quietly at nursery when his key worker is on her breaks, but bounces back to enjoying nursery when she returns.

People are commenting on him being "fixated" on me and his key worker, whereas I think it's entirely normal that he's anxious when his primary carer is out of sight given everything he's been through.

He's having play therapy and I think that's entirely enough, but others think we should be organising more help. He's a wee boy who has had his entire wee life turned upside down and I think it's very natural that he'd worry I'll vanish one day too.

OP posts:
Emma543 · 04/06/2025 10:08

Aw poor boy he’s just looking for stability. How lovely he has you to support this.
ignore them they can bugger off

TheQuietestSpace · 04/06/2025 10:09

This is so distressing for adults to witness but it is completely normal for a child who has had his whole life turned upside down. Poor little sausage. I dont think theres such a thing as 'too much help' but play therapy is probably enough right now, although its worth considering what you plan to come next, just in case there are waitlists etc x

Didntask · 04/06/2025 10:09

Emma543 · 04/06/2025 10:08

Aw poor boy he’s just looking for stability. How lovely he has you to support this.
ignore them they can bugger off

This.

HoppingPavlova · 04/06/2025 10:10

Entirely normal in this situation and you are doing everything right. Ignore others sticking their beaks in.

pasanda · 04/06/2025 10:10

Gosh how anyone could possibly think that this is abnormal given the circumstances is unbelievable! Poor little boy and it’s so nice that he now has you and his life.

Ignore them all

devildeepbluesea · 04/06/2025 10:11

Poor baby. Of course it’s normal, bless his heart.

Ponoka7 · 04/06/2025 10:16

It's a natural response. Will any of these relatives go and live with his Mum, so they can be together? That's the ideal, if not then they need to STFU. Are you facilitating lots of consistent contact with his Mum? Do it as SS would with a foster child. Children do better when it is the same time and length.

Cavalierorwhat · 04/06/2025 10:18

Of course he wants to be with you all the time. He’s lost his mother and all things familiar to him. Heartbreaking, I’m so glad he has you and your family.

MoreChocPls · 04/06/2025 10:18

Wow, anyone who’s making frankly bloody horrible comments about a poor little boy who’s been through all that it’s just absolutely ridiculous and really should go fuck off and then fuck off some more.

Ahsheeit · 04/06/2025 10:21

He absolutely needs to do this right now with people he feels secure with. He's lost so much and had so much change that he'll be getting really insecure and anxious that people just disappear. Tell others to back right off and leave you both alone.

FetchezLaVache · 04/06/2025 10:23

Ponoka7 · 04/06/2025 10:16

It's a natural response. Will any of these relatives go and live with his Mum, so they can be together? That's the ideal, if not then they need to STFU. Are you facilitating lots of consistent contact with his Mum? Do it as SS would with a foster child. Children do better when it is the same time and length.

I think you may need to re-read the OP.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/06/2025 10:24

Omg I am welling up reading this.
Poor poor little boy but thank goodness he has someone as wonderful and child focused as you to look after him, and being an experienced mum will make you extra good at this.
It's absolutely normal that he'll be following you around. It's survival. At his age the finality of death is hard to understand and he will be wanting to check that you're there and coming back as, so sadly, his mummy didn't come back.
Please ignore the noise and lead with your heart here - follow your mother's intuition.

Octavia64 · 04/06/2025 10:24

Normal in the circumstances

Sahara123 · 04/06/2025 10:26

Oh goodness that’s brought a tear to my eye. Thank goodness he has you, sounds entirely normal in these circumstances. I wish you and your family well x

Unicornsandprincesses · 04/06/2025 10:27

Heartbreaking

entirely normal. His main caregiver and most secure attachment is gone - of course he is nervous when the other two adults he’s most securely attached to go out of sight.

also, he’s so little and the world is so big and scary. My 5yo has had a relatively simple and secure childhood but she’ll also follow me from room to room and be nervous if I’m out of sight! She tells me she likes to be near an adult. And that’s a kid who hasn’t been trough a traumatic time and lots of upheaval.

museumum · 04/06/2025 10:27

It sounds quite normal and natural to me but I think it might help everybody involved with him to read up on attachment in adoption. There's a lot of good research into helping children through this. Even though to adults death is a different situation from birth family rejection or removal, it's probably not so different for him.

Berlinlover · 04/06/2025 10:32

Ponoka7 · 04/06/2025 10:16

It's a natural response. Will any of these relatives go and live with his Mum, so they can be together? That's the ideal, if not then they need to STFU. Are you facilitating lots of consistent contact with his Mum? Do it as SS would with a foster child. Children do better when it is the same time and length.

You need to read the OP again.

TiredOctopus · 04/06/2025 10:33

Oh my. Poor little one. I'm not an expert but it sounds to me like you are doing everything right. He's having play therapy and it's possible more would just be too much. Of course he is clingy at the moment. Most adults don't go through what he's been through in such a short amount of time. And he's three, he can't reason and talk it through like an adult. Ignore those relatives, it sounds like he is loved and cared for. Tell them to bugger off.

WaltzingWaters · 04/06/2025 10:33

Aww my heart breaks for him. I’m so glad he has you looking out for him.

But yes, it sounds entirely normal and expected for him to behave this way when he’s had his whole little life completely upturned. Ignore anyone who says otherwise, of course it will take him some time to feel secure and not be scared about more loved one disappearing given the heartbreaking circumstances.

nocoolnamesleft · 04/06/2025 10:35

Of course the poor kid is exhibiting separation anxiety. He lost his mum!

Lammveg · 04/06/2025 10:39

This is one of those things where the adults don't like seeing a child being upset, as it makes them uncomfortable.

OP, well done, you sound amazing x

Chints · 04/06/2025 10:41

You sound spot on to me. Go with it for as long as he needs.

Does your LA offer any training for kinship adopters? If so might be worth doing if only to bolster your defences. But from all you've said your instincts align with mine.

Chints · 04/06/2025 10:45

I would say also, arguably it is a healthy sign. If he were emotionally withdrawn or showing disinhibited engagement with others I would be far more worried.

feelingbleh · 04/06/2025 10:45

100% normal poor kid.

Peacepleaselouise · 04/06/2025 10:46

Oh poor boy, join therapeutic parenting Facebook group (set up by social worker and adoptive parent Sarah Naish).

He needs for his long term development to act like a much younger baby and be nurtured without judgement.

You need to summon your mama bear for this kiddo and tell relative you understand they care and are anxious, but you are his parent now and will be making decisions in his best interests.