To think this is very normal for a 3yo in this situation

[ARichtGoodDram]

I'm being driven mad by a couple of well meaning, but I believe OTT relatives, and I've gone from being 100% confident to now wondering if I'm being lax in not being overly worried about this specific issue.

DN is 3.5. He's had a massive amount of upheaval in his life in the last 10 months.

His Mummy was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He went from 2 days at nursery to 5 days to allow her to have treatment and rest.

Then the relative who was going to be taking him in moved in with them. So that was a big change as it had always been just him and his mum.
Then after 8 weeks it wasn't working with relatives job so he and his Mum moved into relatives home.
Then shortly after that relative and his Mum accepted that it wasn't going to work. The relatives job and life just didn't work with a child and they couldn't cope. So he and his Mum went home.

After lots of discussions it was decided he would come to us. Initially his Mum didn't want that as we have 6 children (3 are adults) including one with high needs so, understandably, she was worried he wouldn't get what he needed.

He and Mum moved in with us for the last 8 weeks of Mum's life. He has been with us since, and will be staying (all official).

Annoyingly we had to change his nursery unexpectedly so that was another unforeseen big change.

The issue people are seeing is that he follows me around constantly. He hates if I go into a different room and he can't hear or see me. I deal with this by chatting to him constantly or singing. He will accept if we explain that I have to go somewhere without him, but is quiet/subdued until I return. He also sits very quietly at nursery when his key worker is on her breaks, but bounces back to enjoying nursery when she returns.

People are commenting on him being "fixated" on me and his key worker, whereas I think it's entirely normal that he's anxious when his primary carer is out of sight given everything he's been through.

He's having play therapy and I think that's entirely enough, but others think we should be organising more help. He's a wee boy who has had his entire wee life turned upside down and I think it's very natural that he'd worry I'll vanish one day too.

You sound amazing OP and just what the little one needs. Building secure attachments to you will help him in his life. Play therapy is enough for now and yes, you can have too much of therapy. Keep doing what you're doing and ignore the idiots. Poor little lamb

Gosh this is so tough to read. You’re doing an amazing thing for this little boy and his reaction seems perfectly normal to me. Please contact the child bereavement charity Winston’s Wish for support for him and you and your family. X

@ARichtGoodDram Please don't doubt yourself. You are the shining light in what must have been a highly traumatic time for him. Nearly a third of his life has been spent in uncertainty, little wonder he wants to be near you. Thank you for being there for this sweet boy. The world would be a kinder place with more people like you in it.

I second sending the wording from @shallishanti, if you feel you need to say something to get the well-meaners to back off.

Seems like a completely normal response to his experiences to me. Hopefully the play therapy will help him. It might be useful for you to read some books on attachment theory as he (understandably) right now does not have healthy attachments. They might give you tips on how you can help him in the long term.
You sound like a wonderful person.

Oh, poor little lamb. Of course he's going to cling to you - his entire world has completely dissolved and you're his safe place now. It sounds perfectly normal to me, and you sound like an amazing person and exactly what he needs. Thank goodness he has you.

I think you’re doing an amazing job.

The little boy, whose suffered so much, has a chance to come to terms with the loss of his mummy in a wonderfully supportive environment. Keep doing what you are doing.x

Some kids are like this anyway at 3, let alone when they've been through so much upheaval and loss. You are doing the exact right thing, it will take him a long time to ever feel comfortable with you leaving his side and this is actually a good thing because it means he has a strong attachment with you and will set him up well for the future.

Bloody hell, he's 3.

Lovely of you to step up and help him out during this time. He more than needed someone stable.

I’m quite annoyed on your behalf OP.

We adopted our LO and as part of the training to be approved, we had to learn about the impact of trauma on children and how attachment works.
It’s completely normal for a child who has lost their primary carer to accept one or two people as ‘safe’ and want to know where they are, after all, the last safe person is now gone.

For the first few weeks of LO being here I literally narrated my every move and it worked really well. It made them feel safe and secure - once you’ve got that in place you can build on it, but for now, making the child feel secure is the priority.

FYI, it’s also really normal for a child to regress as a response to big changes so if they’re acting a bit younger/not doing things you know they can, that’s fine (here it was wanting to fed after happily using a knife and spoon with foster carers).

If your relatives are generally nice, maybe push them to read about trauma in children or explain how this need to keep eyes on you will likely lessen over time.

If they’re generally interfering/not helpful, tell them bluntly to stop mentioning it.

I am so sorry for your and his loss.

I am pleased to hear that it sounds like your DH is onside with you as of course you will rely on his support day-to-day and he's there usually with DN.

The way I see it, your DN has had his life turned upside down and lost his secure attachments. He's therefore going to cling to the constants in his life (you and his key worker) until he starts to feel secure again and that is going to take a while. With constant love and reassurance and having his needs meet, he'll hopefully build up to it slowly. Forcing him away from you to spend time with well-meaning people who want to "help" when it's not necessary is likely to be counterproductive.

You sound like you are doing an incredible thing and rather brilliantly, in absolutely awful circumstances.

I agree it's totally normal in the circumstances. Poor, poor little boy. I'm so glad he has you to take care of him- you sound absolutely wonderful.

I'm doing a course in a few weeks about trauma and parent loss and I'm tempted to suggest the relative join me.

At the same time I'm also trying to find a balance between keeping them very included and not parenting by committee so maybe suggesting they read up on it might be better.

Thank you

Big Hug🤗

of course it's normal! He's a tiny boy who lost his Mummy, naturally he's scared he'll lose you (& his key worker) too!

Don't doubt yourself (or let others make you doubt yourself!!).

The course sounds great. Don't invite the others along, just go & make the most of it. If you think they'd benefit then suggest they find out where/when it's next being held.

YOU (&DH) are now parenting DN. try to tune out the 'noise' from others (well meaning maybe, but misguided)

How are your 3 (non adult) children going with this huge change?

How are YOU??

How are your 3 (non adult) children going with this huge change?

How are YOU??

They're loving it. Well, DS is a young teen so he occasionally grunts that it's "alright" but he is having a ball building train tracks.

DD3 loves smaller kids so is enjoying it a lot and DD4's needs mean she doesn't say anything, but she giggles at DN's jumping around so I think she's happy.

I'm doing alright. It's a lot going on, but I'm used to a busy house and it felt natural for me to say to DH "if you want us to take him in I'm good with that".

I'm very lucky though. MIL lives with us and she is Amazing (with a deliberate capital) And we have a really good village around us. This weekend DN, DD3 (who is 11) and I are off to the zoo for the day while MIL keeps DD4. It'll be nice.

Sounds completely normal to me, 3 is still a baby really!
I have an almost 3 year old and he is my shadow (and he hasn’t had any trauma or upheaval to contend with) so it’s natural that a three year old thinks your safe and reassuring after everything they’re going through. I would think it shows natural attachment and would be more worried if they weren’t forming attachments to safe adults (I’m not an expert by any means though!)

That poor little lad. I did smile at your DS enjoying playing trains with him.

Was it your MILs daughter who died? She must be going through it too.

Almost made me cry OP, and I'm not a crier. Poor baby, he is terrified you will die too. It's mad to think he wouldn't react to all that. He will eventually be OK but I agree play therapy might help and the course sounds great too. I teach preschool and worked with a 3 yr old after a traumatic event (different circumstances entirely) and she spent about a year hiding under tables afraid of everyone. Very gradually she came into her own and seems quite comfortable now. Lots of lots of patience is needed from everyone including key worker. You've done something amazing OP I'm sure his Mum is grateful and someday he will be too.

no its not normal - but the poor child has not experienced "normal". This is a child battling insecure attachment, grief, confusion, fear etc.

tell them to wind their neck in

No. It was actually DH's cousin, but she and DH were close enough to consider each other as siblings since childhood for (didn't want to make the OP any longer than necessary and we've always viewed DN as DN)

You sound like a wonderful person. I'm sure in time this wee boy will thrive in your care.

Just jumping back on to express my admiration and awe for what you are doing. Despite everything the poor little lad has had to endure, he’s fortunate to have such a solid and loving support.

Who are these people?

Of course it’s normal. Any adult going through that would be in an awful place and this is a child.

You are doing an amazing thing - the world needs more people like you!

Must be tiring and intense though (though it sounds like it is bringing you unexpected joy too). Just keep checking in or yourself, make sure there are plans in place for you to get a break occasionally and so forth. Good self care will enable you to keep doing what you are clearly doing so well at the moment! (Happy mom, happy child). His very strong attachment to you sounds totally normal in the circumstances, so the only reason it may need looking at is if it were to become too much for you - that would be nothing to be ashamed of - and if that ever does become the case it could be gently worked on in therapy.

Are bed times ok? I imagine they could be challenging....

You can find loads of great support here, and through adoption groups as PP's have mentioned. Never be afraid to ask for help! You sound so lovely.....