To think this is very normal for a 3yo in this situation

[ARichtGoodDram]

I'm being driven mad by a couple of well meaning, but I believe OTT relatives, and I've gone from being 100% confident to now wondering if I'm being lax in not being overly worried about this specific issue.

DN is 3.5. He's had a massive amount of upheaval in his life in the last 10 months.

His Mummy was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He went from 2 days at nursery to 5 days to allow her to have treatment and rest.

Then the relative who was going to be taking him in moved in with them. So that was a big change as it had always been just him and his mum.
Then after 8 weeks it wasn't working with relatives job so he and his Mum moved into relatives home.
Then shortly after that relative and his Mum accepted that it wasn't going to work. The relatives job and life just didn't work with a child and they couldn't cope. So he and his Mum went home.

After lots of discussions it was decided he would come to us. Initially his Mum didn't want that as we have 6 children (3 are adults) including one with high needs so, understandably, she was worried he wouldn't get what he needed.

He and Mum moved in with us for the last 8 weeks of Mum's life. He has been with us since, and will be staying (all official).

Annoyingly we had to change his nursery unexpectedly so that was another unforeseen big change.

The issue people are seeing is that he follows me around constantly. He hates if I go into a different room and he can't hear or see me. I deal with this by chatting to him constantly or singing. He will accept if we explain that I have to go somewhere without him, but is quiet/subdued until I return. He also sits very quietly at nursery when his key worker is on her breaks, but bounces back to enjoying nursery when she returns.

People are commenting on him being "fixated" on me and his key worker, whereas I think it's entirely normal that he's anxious when his primary carer is out of sight given everything he's been through.

He's having play therapy and I think that's entirely enough, but others think we should be organising more help. He's a wee boy who has had his entire wee life turned upside down and I think it's very natural that he'd worry I'll vanish one day too.

Oh bless his heart. Sounds perfectly normal, he’s afraid you’ll leave him too.

How very fortunate that your DN has you and your family in his life. What a wonderful, kind and generous family you are. Hopefully, over time, when he feels more secure and really believes he is with you forever and no-one is leaving you’ll see a difference in his behaviour.

Completely normal. Get them to read about attachment. Poor little boy.

Absolutely normal for a child who has gone through so much instability and trauma.

He must be feeling so confused and anxious, poor thing.

You are doing the right thing by reassuring him. It will take him a long time to feel secure.

Hope everything is going ok OP

Of course he’s following you about, he’s very insecure, had lots of big changes and sees you as his safety person. He’s looking for comfort and still a baby, you being his focus is good.

Poor child, he is terrified that you might disappear like his Mum did.

Ongoing strength OP

I lost a parent at a similar age and was exactly like this. It sounds like you're the perfect people to look after him, you know what you're dealing with and he can grow up in a household of people who will care for him and can keep his mum's memory alive for him.

We're plodding on.

Managed to have a family meeting (for want of a better phrase) with the family members who were concerned and ironed a few things out.

Had to be quite firm about the fact that we won't be parenting by committee - it wouldn't work and it wouldn't be fair on DN.
The concerns all came from a place of wanting to help so it's all good.

We're on countdown now to our summer trip to Butlins (not everyone's cup of tea but the kids love it)

Have a fabulous holiday.

Hopefully the family meeting will make the family member back off and leave you to do the excellent job you are doing.

I have a little 3 year old boy and I cried reading this thread. What a beautiful person you are to look after this wee man. Of course it's normal behaviour, how could it not be? I can't imagine my boy getting on with life without me. I hope you and him get all the support you need xx

I agree… so heartbreaking.

I think he’s doing wonderfully even going to nursery and having moments of happiness. Of course he’s going to be worried that key people will suddenly no longer be there. Those making comments must be so insensitive!
Poor little boy, but so lucky having someone as kind and sensitive as you to look after him. Tell the well meaning relatives that this is his way of dealing with tragedy; in a year or so, he’ll know you’re a constant in his life and you’ll have given him the confidence to grow.
And condolences to you too x

This is heartbreaking. That poor boy. I have a 3 year old and he follows me round like my shadow without having had trauma, let alone this poor little one. 3 is still so young and in our haste to rush children to grow up, we sometimes forget that at 3, they’re little more than babies in lots of ways.

You sound incredible OP (as I’m sure is your DH). I have no advice beyond what’s been said here but I wish you, your family and that little boy all the luck in the world.

Sorry I missed your reply!!

I'm glad your kids are happy with the extra sibling!! 😘

grunting & building train tracks is age appropriate 'approval' 😂

im glad you had the 'family meeting' & kindly put them straight & told them you won't be parenting by committee! YOU have taken the wee man in. YOU are parenting him.

sending lots of love to all of you 😘

So glad you mentioned this. I know a family where sadly the father died leaving ds age 3. Everyone talks about daddy being in the sky and watching over, it’s so destructive!
Poor kid is now 7 has been asking when he’s coming back. Child is also nervous of new places, going on holiday probably because he thinks he might not come back.
Well done to you OP though, you sound like you are managing a terrible situation very well. I’m very glad the little one has you.

His mum has died! Its entirely normal that he is tryimg to attach to you & care worker and has separation anxiety, this is a traumatised child

It is absolutely a normal reaction for a child who has experienced trauma and it can be normal for some who haven't, as a foster carer I have seen it too. I was going to suggest some trauma training so I am glad to see you have been able to access some.